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#343332 - 10/27/10 08:34 PM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: prisonerID]
davidm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 20
This all sounds painfully familiar.

I was utterly helpless to defend myself during any of the assaults I suffered. The first time, I simply couldn't accept the horror of what was happening. I pressed my hands over my eyes and started chanting, over and over, "No. This is not happening."

It's haunted me for years that I didn't do anything. Couldn't do anything. I've tried to rationalize it, reminding myself that I was frail after many years of illness, and my former instructor was much bigger than me. But that isn't why I froze. It was the horror and the terror. And part of me has never been able to forgive myself.

Afterwards, I went into total denial. But that didn't restore me to normal. I hid in my apartment for a month, while my music instructor stalked and harassed me by telephone and mail.

When I finally ventured out, further assaults rapidly broke down that denial. I started resisting, first by just crying and pleading. Then, by degrees, by struggling. In response, my instructor got ever more violent, bashing me in the face at one point to subdue me -- and forcing me to do things, horrible things, that filled me with paralyzing shame. I went and hid in my apartment for another five weeks.

Then I did something really stupid. One of my instructor's oldest friends had taken me aside weeks before, and pleaded with me to convince my teacher to get psychiatric help. He told me that he, and my instructor's sister, who is a medical doctor, were afraid my teacher was going insane and might be on the brink of suicide. He told me how my teacher's best friend had killed himself about a decade before because he couldn't stop himself from molesting boys. I held onto his words like a life preserver. It seemed so much easier to blame what had happened on my teacher's being mentally ill -- and to imagine that he might somehow be "repaired," and everything somehow magically undone.

So I left my apartment, and my city, to intercept my instructor and confront him. He rewarded my efforts to convince him to get help with a particularly brutal assault.

I fell apart. Spent five weeks in hospital being subjected to "secondary victimization" by a doctor who later apologized for his incompetence.

Lost everything. Academic career only a distant memory in a few years. I wouldn't be here now were it not for a brilliant psychiatrist, a great psychologist, mountains of Prosac, and the woman who's been my wife these past 20 years.

Her only reward, however, has been to be dragged down with me as I've slowly sunk under the weight of all that horror. She left me for about six months during the mid-90s, during which she aborted what would have been our only child. I begged her not to. But she'd despaired of my ever recovering sufficiently to support a family. That pretty well finished what little was left of me.

I've since briefly risen to some prominent positions, only to be knocked down by a self-punishing stretch of depression and flashbacks. And I've long ago forgotten the things that made me happy before I took that music class.

On November 6, it will be 25 years since the first assault -- since I put my hands over my eyes because my mind wouldn't accept what was happening. And I can honestly say, looking back on all those devastated years, that it would have been merciful if he'd had the decency to simply kill me afterwards. Making me live all these years with those horrors playing and replaying in my head has been the cruelest thing he's done to me.

But he will pay for it. I learned this past spring that I can go after him, by suing him in his home country, England. I've got two boxes full of documentation. And as of today I've got referrals to five first-class solicitors in London. If I can find one that will overlook the fact I'm flat broke, my former instructor will be in for one hell of a shock. Believing that I can make that happen, that I can punish him after all these years of pain, is really all that keeps me going.


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#343575 - 10/29/10 04:04 PM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: oriolesguy]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
This is very thought provoking post. I did not think about the fact that I blamed myself for being in the bathoom where I was raped until some time ago when my T said "who do U blame for what happened in that bathroom". It was a clear ME answer.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#344783 - 11/11/10 02:26 AM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: Avery46]
Scotty123 Offline


Registered: 12/07/09
Posts: 51
..


Edited by Scotty123 (01/08/13 05:07 AM)

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#344830 - 11/11/10 02:28 PM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: Scotty123]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Scotty123,

I lost my confidence after my rape. I felt like I was not as good or as capable as other men. It is something I have had to really work on for the last twenty years. Due to my lack of confidence over the years I allowed others to take advantage of me in other ways. In essence I allowed others to continue to diminish my quality of life. I had the idea I did not deserve a full life and settling for the scraps was more than enough for me.

The fact that your assailant was female does not make you weak. I have known many women in my life who were physically strong and could fight better than many men. It was not your fault at all.

You are still a man in my eyes and in the eyes of the good men here.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#344895 - 11/12/10 05:34 AM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: prisonerID]
Scotty123 Offline


Registered: 12/07/09
Posts: 51
..


Edited by Scotty123 (01/08/13 05:06 AM)

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#344906 - 11/12/10 08:17 AM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: Scotty123]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Scotty,

We play the biased judge in our lives so much. I was under the shame of one night in my life. I found it so easy to accept and believe the negative and reject even a hint of postitive. No matter what I attained or accomplished I always shrugged and feared I would be outed as a con or fake.

We reject the mountains of evidence on our behalf that weighs a lot more than one night. And yet we give more importance to that one event than a life time of achievements and accolades. I was given employee of the year once and I casually went "okay". I found it so odd. Did I hang on to it? No, did not embrace it in the first place.

There is so much more to you than one night. I know it is so hard to believe that. Your life is more than one night.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (11/12/10 08:29 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#344950 - 11/12/10 05:11 PM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: prisonerID]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
My ASA happened 18 years ago at the U. I was doing very well.

The despare sent me packing for 16 years.

I really empathize with you guys. The devaluation as a person especially as a man was almost complete.

I also struggle with CSA. For me I look forward to hearing more good things. It has taken me time but I am getting there.

I know we can grow even more.

We are more than one night - I agree.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#348956 - 12/24/10 12:46 AM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: prisonerID]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
Yes, Oriolesguy has it right "A Man is responsible for what he does but NOT responsible for the the things that are done TO HIM. Let them with live with their sinful and criminal actions. Hold you head high brother. Hold all your heads high bothers! We lived well and the best we knew how and with honor.


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#408471 - 08/30/12 06:22 PM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: duncanUK]
Getting By Offline


Registered: 05/15/12
Posts: 8
Yes, I know the feeling.

It took me 30 years to figure out what it was going on in my head which made me do f*cked up things.

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#409233 - 09/06/12 02:31 PM Re: The "man" in the fortress [Re: duncanUK]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 180
ed


Edited by Tyr (09/11/12 06:13 PM)
_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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