This recovery sucks and I sometimes wish I never started but I finally have something positive to say in this thread. Its this:

I have let my abuser define me for 42 years- "loser, worthless, pervert, asshole, nothing but a hole for him to dump in". I'M NOT GOING TO BE DEFINED BY HIM ANYMORE.

No, that voice will probably never go away completely, but I can tell him to shut the fuck up. I will define who I am now. No one else. Somebody remind me I said this next time I start to hate myself again.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell