Newest Members
Green_Lantern, Safe11ride, WillWins, neophiliac, Jerone
12118 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (61), Carlos418 (37), courtney (52), kurotake (55), lostsoul (63), Lukesgirl (28), michael banks (2014), Steffon (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (peroperic2009, pete1973, 3 invisible), 55 Guests and 16 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12118 Members
73 Forums
62512 Topics
438095 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#409167 - 09/06/12 02:49 AM Sweating on a treadmill
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
Five years ago my husband left me for another woman, while I was 14weeks into pregnancy with our only child. He resurfaced a year and eight months later. I forgave him. During that time he has no idea how I coped, what I went through and does not understand my feelings over that at times.

During his absence I formed an indescribable bond with my child. She was my strength, my companion, my everything even before she was born. I now feel I have betrayed my little girl. I took a very sad decision. I packed her bags and sent her to my mom in a bid to shield her from the constant fights, separations, arguments, yelling and anger in the house. I agree the environment is peaceful there and she has the attention of everyone at home. But that is not what she needs or what I had vowed to give her… a healthy upbringing, loving parent and never to desert her moreover for someone who had deserted us while I was pregnant. I mean this is my star who remained loyal to me even during stressful moments in pregnancy. She survived into full term and was a bouncing healthy baby who kept my days shinning. A girl who gives me better hugs and kisses anytime. Besides her nanny and friend got tired of my husbands’ anger and unjustified hatred towards her and I was left with no one to look after her.

Yes I gave her up to work on myself and my marriage. My hubby had promised as usual to start healing and to at least give him another chance until December so that the girl can start a new year with us again as better parents. As usual he has not set his foot into T and has stopped taking her chronic depression medication. I am not saying a word but I am focusing on my own healing.

What can I do in this mess? I have a choice to remind him of his promises and if he can’t live up to them I will have to kick him out of the house and take my girl and raise her on my own. Better one stable parent than without any or having two insane human beings for parents.Well the time has allowed us to peaceful moments ro we are having long time avoiding our issues.

I miss her terrible and she misses me too( well... her father too) and I get to see her once a month. I call her twice a day (he only talks to her when she asks) and she sounds happy and has adapted in her new school which is not as good as her old school.

What are my choices…? Please help me draw the line.
_________________________
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

Top
#409185 - 09/06/12 08:31 AM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Wow, Thulas, what a painful situation. I'm glad you found this forum as so many have said to me.

First, I wanted to ask have YOU started therapy? I think this is important for you to make decisions and choices about what is right for YOU without codependance. Seek out a CoDa meeting as well. The following link is one I found on this forum and helped me immensely to start make choices that respect and honour my boundaries.

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

Start to listen to yourself. Start to follow your gut and trust your instincts. I believe a mother's instinct is the truest voice inside us, IF we have the courage to listen to it, because sometimes it tells us to say and do things that make other adult uncomfortable and maybe even not like us. Fighting for your child's protection and rights sometimes.means that other adults are inconvenienced and maybe don't get what they want, but our children CANNOT protect themselve's. It is sad and unfortunate that your husband cannot put his child before his own wants and needs, but in my humble opinion, someone needs to start doing this. Please do not read on if you do not want to hear that you have put your husband's needs and wants before that of your child's and yourself.

I will attempt to be as respectful as possible, but I cannot believe you have placed your child with your mother for your child's sake alone - I think your husband's needs and your codependancy on his love, approve etc played a factor as well. I do applaud you for recognizing that the home environment was not healthy for her, but I believe you have other choices to remedy this. Your husband is an adult. Yes he was abused and yes he has a broken inner child, but he still has choices available to him that your child has not. I believe that your husband has no boundaries and is operating completely in the "child" that was hurt. This child is now angry and selfish and will do anything to meet its needs, but the child has no idea how to do this in a healthy way that respect the boundaries of others. From what you have said, your H appears to be triggered by his own daughter's existence. This is profoundly sad to me that he is this broken, but hear this loud and clear, YOU CANNOT, NOR EVER, EVER WILL BE ABLE TO FIX HIM. Only your H can do this for himself through therapy. This will not change or heal on its own by will power or time or your unconditional love. This will only heal when he commits to therapy.

You have other choices to support your husband's recovery AND remain n active mother to your daughter, but I think you will not so this.successfully until you get therapy and extract your own self-worth and self-esteem out of your husband. Take this time away from your daughter to help yourself. Then begin to be an active mother to your daughter, THEN support your H.

I fear that the legacy of your H's abuse is being passed to your daughter. Your daughter needs you, your husband needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour and recovery and if he CHOOSES not to do this, then you must have boundaries that protect the emotional and physical health of you and your child. I will not tell you what those exact boundaries or actions will be, because they must come from you. You will learn, if you choose, that those options are very clear to you when you establish your boundaries. Love should never hurt. Love should always make someone feel good and if it does not, then you have no boundaries.

I hope you are not offended by my directness. I write these things with nothing but care in my heart for all three of you. I have also lived it.... different details but similar sacrifice of my self and my needs for my H. I hope you have the courage and self preservation to do this.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

Top
#409243 - 09/06/12 04:01 PM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
As a survivor, I can PROMISE you that nobody could heal me but myself. And I resisted at every turn. I kept my worst secrets hidden in the deepest darkest places in my heart, and I'm not talking just about what was done to me but what I did to others and what I did to myself. That mix is actually the worst part of the toxicity of abuse. It's the well-deserved shame and self-blame!

I am very sorry to say this, but I think CdnDW is absolutely right. I'm not going to pretend like I know what's right in your world, but in this moment of our lives--now--we all need to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives and go forward with love, health, responsibility and what-not, and if your husband came back after leaving mid-pregnancy... to fight and argue and struggle with you.... Wow. That's tough.

Like I said, I second everything above.

Good luck. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Surround yourself with love. Surround yourself with goodness. You can do this. You and your daughter can thrive. And your husband can, too, but nobody should be a martyr for him.

Top
#409248 - 09/06/12 05:00 PM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1433
Robert1000

Well said--we can only heal ourselves and others can only try to prevent us from healing. We need to "take responsibility for our lives and go forward with love, health....". Survivors and supporters alike.

Top
#409295 - 09/06/12 09:58 PM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
Thulas Offline


Registered: 07/13/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Johannesburg, South Africa
You are spot on Cdn. Truth only hurts yet healing. This for me is constructive critiscism which encourages me to resume with finding my self. T has been in place until an incident disturbed the sessions. Three weeks ago I relapsed after a minibus taxi driver reversed on me fracturing my left arm and triggering a 2006 accident I had been helped throu by my good T to get out of my head. This incident has stalled my progress. I am in the process of looking for a good T nearer where I stay as I can no longer drive to my best T who is some ks away.

Funny enough the website you sent me is the one I landed on while searching for ways to care for myslf. It is after going through it that I realised I am not doing good service to any of us especial myself and my child. Hence I posted.

To read your responses encourages me to make better choices. I guess all I needed was a hammer on my head to wake up in my sleep. Good advice (Take this time away from your daughter to help yourself. Then begin to be an active mother to your daughter, THEN support your H.)

All your comments encourage me to smell the coffee
_________________________
If you want to accomplish the goals of your life, you have to begin with the spirit.

Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.

Top
#409310 - 09/06/12 10:24 PM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I used to tell myself that my children would want me to help their father. That was my co-dependent voice.

My children wanted at least one of us. That is the reality.

My husband has fractured trust. I have to teach my children that they can trust me.

My husband is afraid of abandonment. I have to teach my children that they will not be abandoned.

I will not teach these things to my husband. And I will not sacrifice my children any longer in order to pretend that I am saving my husband.

These are the things that I tell myself. Take them as you will.

Top
#409322 - 09/06/12 11:43 PM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
So glad you got something useful from my post Thulas. And don't dispair, you are not the first, nor will you be the last to need a hammer on the head! I need a good hammering myself now and again smile Although, if you read your original post over again, I think you were begging someone to simply reaffirm what you already knew, so I would call it more of a nudge in this case.

Take care and post often, you will get lots of encouragement here.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

Top
#409355 - 09/07/12 08:15 AM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
I'm sorry to say this but I really think you should put you childs needs before your husbands and I don't think that's what you're doing by sending her away. If he is not a fit parent to be around the daughter he should be sent away, not her. He is an adult, responsible for his actions no matter what was done to him. Nothing gives him the right to mess up a childs life.

A good parent can make bad choises and then correct them. Anyone can lose sight of what is right. I think what upsets me about this is that you seem to be a good parent but then it seems you blind yourself to your daughters needs in order to take care of your husband. So many children are hurt and betrayed by the good parent who just wants to do the right thing for the messed up parent and sacrifices the childs needs along the way.

Top
#409357 - 09/07/12 08:45 AM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I want to say that my feeling is that Thulas knows in her soul that she needs to take care of her child first. Unfortunately, codependence addiction is clouding that and she came here, as CdnDW identified, to get some affirmation of the voice beyond the addiction.

Go get your child and raise her to be happy, confident and secure. Your husband will either decide to participate or not - you will not make that choice for him.

Top
#409360 - 09/07/12 10:07 AM Re: Sweating on a treadmill [Re: Thulas]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
Well said, Esposa. Good luck, Thulas. I do hope you get your daughter and leave room for your husband to be a partner and a father.... But the words of Blessedcurse seem right to me. Your daughter is a child, and you are responsible for her. Your husband is an adult. He's responsible for himself. Honestly, if I were him, and I were the reason that my wife sent my daughter away... so my wife and I could stick together and fight toward what? a better place? I don't know. That situation wouldn't do me any good. It seems like it would just prolong my agony. I can't believe that this situation is healthy or positive for any of you.

I feel like I'm sounding like I'm coming down on you hard. I hope you know that I have been praying for you. I don't pretend to know what's right for you. All I have is the information that you provided. So I don't really know anything!

But... I want you to know that things can and will get better for you and your daughter, especially, I believe, if you and your daughter stick together, heal, get therapy, do fun stuff, all that.

Bob

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.