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#408791 - 09/03/12 12:22 PM I'm messed up and a newbe
NeedSomeHelp Offline


Registered: 09/03/12
Posts: 3
Well Iíve known my mom sexual molested me for a long time. From when I was about 10ish for about a year and a half. It was more me doing stuff to her. The shame and embarrassment is and was overwhelming. The strange thing for me is it was exciting and I got pleasure out of it. This sickens me as well as trying to seek it out at times.

Iíve been married a couple times. But I have severe intimacy issues and I always sabotage the relationship either by:

1.Infidelity
2.Emotional shutting down
3.Demonizing the woman Iím with.
4.Iíd rather go get anonymous sex than make love to the woman, Iím in a relationship with
5.I act a good game. Fake fake fake
6.Inside I feel less than
7.I lie a lot
8.I lie about stupid stuff
9.I tell people what I think they want to hear.
10.I get motivated after a traumatic event happens only to go back to my old self.
11. Iím great the first part of a relationship but to keep it going I suck. I donít know how.
Is this part of the issue being abused or am I just f..ked up some other ways.

I want a normal life, Iím confused on how to get there. Even as I write this I feel this pull to not go forward and just justify, lie and deceit about what I did to these women and myself. Itís so hard to be honest. This sucks!

Can someone like me create a normal life? Has anyone comeback from the way I am?

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#408813 - 09/03/12 03:57 PM Re: I'm messed up and a newbe [Re: NeedSomeHelp]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello NeedSomeHelp and welcome to MaleSurvivor,

The short answer is "Yes", you can have a normal life, comeback from the abuse that was criminally perpetrated against you, and feel love for a lifetime.

Relationships are the hardest hit when a male is abused. We work towards couplings, friends and internal communications that we can support and that support us. Having a friend, a lover or a companion is what we long for, and one who has all three is a king!

Depending on your circumstances, choose one of these to begin your healing:
1) Find a male sexual abuse therapist
2) Purchase/rent/borrow "Evicting the Perpetrator" by Ken Singer
3) Keep posting in MaleSurvivor whatever comes into your heart.
4) As thoughts come up search through this site's forums for similar topics and read the author's thoughts and the replies.
5) Consider attending a Weekend of Recovery.
6) Attend a support group in your area like SIA(Survivors of Incest Anonymous.
7) Find support. Posting and replying in MaleSurvivor will help you find those who maybe farther along in their recovery and can offer support.
8) There are many good articles in the main page of MaleSurvivor on the difficulties survivors face, check them out.
9) Our chat room can offer real time support and empathy for a survivor in need of encouragement.

This is just a start, I encourage you to see that through this disclosure, you are already beginning a healing process, and that you are already in a better place.

Much success to you fellow survivor.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#408993 - 09/05/12 01:12 AM Re: I'm messed up and a newbe [Re: NeedSomeHelp]
NeedSomeHelp Offline


Registered: 09/03/12
Posts: 3
Thanks for the reply. It's good to be heard.

1) Find a male sexual abuse therapist -- I found one but it's a female. I'm assuming it's better for a male
2) Purchase/rent/borrow "Evicting the Perpetrator" by Ken Singer -- Purchased tonights.
3) Keep posting in MaleSurvivor whatever comes into your heart. --- See below.
4) As thoughts come up search through this site's forums for similar topics and read the author's thoughts and the replies. I will
5) Consider attending a Weekend of Recovery. I will look into this
6) Attend a support group in your area like SIA(Survivors of Incest Anonymous. --- Can't find meeting listings in LA area? Is there a meeting list
7) Find support. Posting and replying in MaleSurvivor will help you find those who maybe farther along in their recovery and can offer support. - I will
8) There are many good articles in the main page of MaleSurvivor on the difficulties survivors face, check them out.
9) Our chat room can offer real time support and empathy for a survivor in need of encouragement.

I'm battling emotions with the thought that I'm a fake person and I can go back into my protective shell. After which I shut down on those around me or become fake.

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#409015 - 09/05/12 09:03 AM Re: I'm messed up and a newbe [Re: NeedSomeHelp]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I celebrate your desire to come out from the mask, to reach out to affirming support and heal fellow survivor.

Depending on your comfort, a female therapist can be very effective.

#6 SIA has a website, http://www.siawso.org/Default.aspx?pageId=7166 There are online groups, some women meetings only, but a few in California, and the one I found in LA was a womens only, but there maybe something close to you that would fit.

I would also try Meetup just be careful, research what you find and take a friend with you to make sure it is safe.

Fake is a word survivors use to describe the "fighter", the "socialite", the "lover" that we use to protect the hurting inside. Fake means not genuine, a forgery, a sham. When you are presenting this protection, it is genuinely you, it is what you feel at the moment, is it not? Then what is fake? Could it be the feelings of terror, submission, inferiority? These are very real, but not at the same intelligence or maturity you are feeling now. Yes dear survivor, we are a compilation of feelings both hurt, terrorized, contentious and desiring to connect. We are a puzzle dropped, pieces everywhere in a confined area, but we can be put together. Some parts of the puzzle are sunny, some parts underwater, some of flight, some sitting, but they are all us.

And assembled, we are beautiful. Find those in your life that see that beauty, and be loyal to them.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#409028 - 09/05/12 10:11 AM Re: I'm messed up and a newbe [Re: SamV]
NeedSomeHelp Offline


Registered: 09/03/12
Posts: 3
I appreciate the support and feedback. You seem to have gained a lot of wisdom on your road to recovery.
Yes, I suppose you are correct about fake. It is a coping mechanism. I exhibit some of what you describe above and more.

Itís just puzzling sometimes the why of things. Why do I sabotage my relationships with woman? I feel better having anonymous sex or affairs, than being committed and intimate with my partners. Present one included. I seem to have severe intimacy issue mask with multiple forms of sabotage. But then I want to appear like the upstanding guy.
I think even though itís not always on the fore front of my brain I twisted the sexual abuse with my mom. It freaks me out. Especially the parts when I think back and was seeking it out or was sexually excited. I think this is a core issue of mine and the undertow of effect causes (unbeknownst to me) the ability to have a functional relationship where Iím committed. I know every relationship has issues, but itís damn frustrating that I manufacture a lot of these issues. I become cold distant and robotic only to complain about her being distant and angry. Itís sick.

I have a hard time after a short while in a relationship to initiate sex or intimacy. But show me porn, massage house and an eager affair partner and Iím in. Iím so shameful about these things, I brush over them and squash it down so I donít have to deal with it. I even have preached how cheating and doing all the self destructive things I do are so WRONG. How do you spell duplicity and two-faced.
What worries me is that I have motivation right now, but I feel the other shoe can drop and Iím back to self justifying and completing ruining the tattered relationship Iím in now (due too an affair)

Even if the root of my issues are childhood sexual abuse by my mom who lacks the capcity and decency to admit and apologize. I now in my own creative (non-sexual abuser) ways have caused wakes of destruction in my path, only to be like shampoo instructions ďREPEATĒ.

One last thing. Why is it so hard to be honest. Big lies white lies. Iím really working on this as of about 5 days ago. But I struggle. I want to be a honest person. Sh*t this is all so messed up.

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#409107 - 09/05/12 05:17 PM Re: I'm messed up and a newbe [Re: NeedSomeHelp]
Older1 Offline


Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 51
Sorry you have to endure such conflicts. You are not alone.

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#409131 - 09/05/12 08:34 PM Re: I'm messed up and a newbe [Re: NeedSomeHelp]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I encourage you to take Older's advice NSH, keep talking. Wander through the forums and re-post your questions, preferably on at a time, break 'em up. Listen to the experience, reply to the thoughtful responses, and when you are told how wonderful you are, believe it. Yep, it is going to be difficult, but you can do it.

The answers are coming,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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