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#408987 - 09/05/12 12:23 AM New- Questions about my Life
Bill12 Offline


Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 3
Hello,

I do not know if I was sexually abused but my troubles have made me consider if I was abused in some way. I just wanted to ask in general if some of the troubles I have could possibly be caused by some type of abuse.

I am a very disconnected person that seems to distance myself from people to the the point of being reclusive. I feel very spaced out and life seems a bit unreal. Only my fears seem to have any significance.

I have some internal agitation that leaves me confused and unable to concentrate. I have to convince myself that something is critical to have any motivation at all. Even when I have had some ability and interest in some direction in life I could not tune out my problems enough to do much of anything.

As a child I can remember having obsessive fears about being burned,choking, death,damnation and things of that nature. I thought at one time I could trace it back to an original fear but I never could.

When I was young I remember thinking at some point "I'm here now" and remembering a time when I was more present and conscious. It was like a flash of living in the present but now I can barely remember that feeling.

I have some overwhelming feeling there is something wrong I don't know. I even wonder if I am adopted or something like that. I have some masochistic fantasies that do not seem healthy to me.

At least one of my parents was a heavy drinker up until I was about 5 years old.
They were said to be paranoid and controlling. I think my parents ignored how troubled I was and only cared about me doing something they could brag about.

I have taken prozac and those things for OCD and depression but none of it worked. I saw a number of therapists who never helped me and really didn't consider these things. My fatigue,stomach problems and pains led me to see a number of doctors but I found no definite answers.

Does anyone on this forum relate to these problems and is it possible some of them are caused by some sort of abuse? If they were would it make any difference to know?


Edited by Bill12 (09/05/12 12:30 AM)

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#408988 - 09/05/12 12:32 AM Re: New-Questions about my life [Re: Bill12]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Bill 12 -

i'm no expert and can't diagnose - but what you describe are not inconsistent with abuse survivors. it could be caused by abuse or some sort - but not enough evidence to prove it was sexual abuse. could be emotional or physical...

have you seen a therapist? that might be a good idea - someone who is more knowlegable and can explore things with you in more depth.

and BTW - WELCOME to our safe place. hope you'll stick around and join in more if you feel so inclined. there are others here who have some of the same questions and uncertainty as you.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#408990 - 09/05/12 12:53 AM Re: New-Questions about my life [Re: Bill12]
Bill12 Offline


Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 3
Thanks for responding,

I saw therapists many years ago but these things were never really discussed. I'm skeptical of therapists because many of them were bad. Were I live is very conservative and so are most of the therapists. I would be worried I would be harshly judged for asking those questions.

I would leave open the possibility of seeing a therapist again but I have had bad experiences. I have a lot of other things going on so I'm not sure if I could take that on now but I may at some point.

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#408992 - 09/05/12 01:07 AM Re: New-Questions about my life [Re: Bill12]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
sounds reasonable.

keep on reading and discussing here - as much as you want - you may discover more helpful stuff. i've learned lots from the interaction - even had some repressed memories re-surface. also check out the other resources on the home page.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#409047 - 09/05/12 11:43 AM Re: New-Questions about my life [Re: Bill12]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Bill-

Welcome to MS. You will learn a lot here and see that we discuss a wide range of issues including the questions you raise. There are many among us that can identify with you. Two regular contributors that you should watch for are cant_remember and Life's A Dream.

Abuse does not occur in a vacuum, and I would suggest that even if there's no explicitly sexual component (at least none you can remember right now) you may have endured physical and emotional abuses. Those can feel just as crippling.

The sort of hallmark sexual abuse symptom is a distorted sexuality that will manifest itself in two or three ways. First, there are those of us that become hyper sexual and often engage in compulsive, high risk sexual acts. Others of us become close to asexual, completely shutting down our sexuality and living a monk-like existence. The third manifestation of distorted sexuality is an unquenchable thirst for porn and masturbation. Ask yourself if you've engaged or are engaging in any of these behaviors. Your answer could make you more confident in your self-diagnosis as you approach therapy.

Now lets talk shrinks. In general I am no fan of the profession. I personally believe it is largely populated with neurotic hacks who'd be unable to counsel their way out of a paper sack. You've seen a number of therapists that never helped. And I have, too. However tempting, we cannot paint an entire profession as inept, though. A good therapist will develop a trusting and respectful therapeutic relationship and become a watershed of recovery and healing. It can happen for you. They do exist. The good ones are out there and they're worth the drive.

But your therapist will not fall into your lap. A good therapist will be discovered with patient research and through the interview process. You may talk to three, four even five before you find one that you have a rapport with. Or at least one that doesn't give you the creeps. It's much more like dating than a mental health consideration should be. But it is what it is. A decent therapist will do a phone consultation or waive the first session's payment if you do not become a patient. A good therapist will not harshly judge you for asking questions that I think are entirely reasonable. As a matter of fact, get that out right at the start of your first interview. Say, "I'm Bill12 and I'm seeking therapy because I believe that perhaps I was sexually abused in my very early childhood." That'll really get the ball rolling in a hurry. I find if I say the hardest thing to say first, just to get it out, I won't spend the entire time talking around it. You gotta man-up for this... smile

NO one said healing was easy. It takes courage every day to face these things. But finding that courage is worth it. Finding that therapist to help you sort through these issues is worth it. Why? Because you're worth it. Look at this process as the gift of love that you give to you. You'll do this so you can stop trudging through life as a disconnected spectator. You'll do this to become healthy and happy for the first time ever. It's a nice feeling, trust me.

-SG
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#409123 - 09/05/12 07:52 PM Re: New-Questions about my life [Re: Bill12]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1038
My ears are burning. Is someone talking about me?

Bill, the symptoms you described seem much like my own. I came into recovery in 2004 at 28 years old thinking that i was not abused because I had no memory of abuse, but I was exhibiting symptoms that I thought might be related to abuse.

I have come to terms with the understanding that I was abused between 5 and 7 by a white-haired man, but I have no memory of it occurring. As you read the Male Survivor forum (or do a keyword search for 'masochism'), you might see some things that make you think that you're not alone. Because you're not.

It's no fun being what we are, needing to be in a place like this, but because we need it, this is a great place to be. I can't understate the value of Male Survivor in my recovery process.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#409482 - 09/08/12 07:07 AM Re: New-Questions about my life [Re: Bill12]
Bill12 Offline


Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 3
thanks,I appreciate people answering.

It is true that it is important to be selective in a therapist. Unfortunately I am not always critical enough with people.

I have a number of things going on and don't want to push it now but I have not given up on the idea.

I am just curious how many people related to my problems and if this were the issue how much relief or improvement could there be?

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