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#408865 - 09/04/12 01:48 AM This is all Disorganized, sorry:)
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 279
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
i haet this comp. my dad is a loser.
i idolize u guys and your comptS.
I tried to go to the chat room- nobody was there.
umm, last wednesday .
Oh yeah, if you follow my posts , that is where you will start goran.... yeah okay ..this where i will start.
I have to learn to slow down i was almost done and i pressed
ESC! fucking nightmare.

last wednesday i went to a ball game with my friend
at the end , i dropped him off and went home.
Todd, the guy who was evicted from my apt. ( the stalker)
he , kinda used me. WEll i felt used. I consider him a
parasite. Anyway ... i believe he is delusional.
I was yelling from my apt. , that i didnt want anything to do with him. He was being polite ..and asked me to go outside and i said no , i didnt want to see him.
He said how i was making passes to him while i was in the car with him. I said no. Anyway, he left.
( i see- i srote this fucking letter and i hate it. It isnt the same i fucking hate this). ( i cant get question marks. i am not saavy with this crap ,computS.)

Anywa,,, i oh,,yeah i have spending addiction. We dont have a Spenders Anonymous here.. so i am thinking to Google
Spenders Anon. in Minneapolis. And maybe talk to some there.
I am addicted to spending and eating ..and..
oh yeah..i am hoping my leg will heal so i could apply for a job oil drilling and if dont get it ..boo hoo.
but maybe i could get some exp. and move to southern Alberta.

I HATE IT HERE! I need more friends.
Anyway here is this female therapist who is my friend , she
lives in Calfornia ;she does Primal Therapy. and i talked to her on Monday..regarding this guy Todd ...and (oh yeah, my dad called when Todd came by andhe suggested i call the cops. But i didnt want to call , ,,i didnt want to get the cops involved.
And i am concerned for this guy. ..anywa....)

so i talk to this therapist and i said to her ...' I am
scared of being gay'
she then said ' are you scared or ashamed '
i was like wholly crap...
ths is for me so,, i should be honest.. and i was wondering
..see ( this letter it was great the first time..i fuckied up
everything... i hate this soo much!!!!!)

..this fucking ..i want to talk to my therapist ,,who i will see Wednesday....
..my dad's an asshole.. becasue every ..

oh yeah.. i snapped at my mom yesterday...and i didnt
know when and how...and.
i said sorry to my mom right away..
i couldnt remember did i get angry and for what..
(this is the shitttist post ever!!!! all because i accidently erased it !!)

i got mad a tmy mom and iddint know why.. whe wsa crying
i apoligized, immed.
and then i worked and i ...and i talked to this therapist
she ..said to me or ,,asked are you scared of beign gay or ashamed..
and i figured ..i am the one who is in therapy...here....
so .. i ddint know ..all i know
is i want to move.
But i figure ..move where.... i thought of moving to Vancouver and i thought...what could do there.....
i dont know this letter really sucks!
I dont have enough friends here.
I HATE IT HERE!
I dont think am gay/ My dad's famil dropped my pants
and laghed at me..i told this to my freind ,too.!
I hate them. And wheni was at my dad's before coming on
here i wanted to talk to someone.
Andi want to say to my dad .. He an asshoem..a jerkl.
who does this to hihs own kid....
every tiem we lefet his family's house before going home to
our own he would buy me a pizza to shut-up!!!
Ths isnt good .. This is why i eat burgers and pizza so i dont say anything how they treated me...like a girl and shit!
I had no friends. And i ..now i want to leave.
i dont like it here andi have no where to go..and then i moest myself sometimes. I told her my lacking of crotch,,sutff.she doesnt get it.. i dont want to be gay..i bikazzz i dont need to be..if i kissed a guy allirght i would be ssooo grossed out ,, i think.. i dont know ..i have this addiction to spend on fast-food meanwhile everytimei want to tell my dad stuff..he didnt carfe then,,he wouldnt care now.. fuckign ..wellll i got it out..i am just embarressed this wasa a rollercoaster kind of posting ....sorry.. i need a friend..who wont want sex. I told Todd i want love , not sex.. i dont know sometimes.... how will i ever know.......

Goran

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#408888 - 09/04/12 11:35 AM Re: This is all Disorganized, sorry:) [Re: Sterling]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6514
Loc: Terminus
Restorative bump-up
_________________________
We don't need another hero! [Aunty Entity 1985]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#408954 - 09/04/12 07:31 PM Re: This is all Disorganized, sorry:) [Re: Sterling]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, Goran!

you covered a LOT of ground in that post - and the "stream of consciousness" writers could learn a thing or two from you.

i hear your frustration with things in the present and your pain from things in the past. and a longing for something better.

it is good that you are getting all this stuff out. self-expression really helps. i'm glad you took the time to communicate here. i hope you have someone safe to do the same with face-to-face. if not - you know where to find us!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#408968 - 09/04/12 09:32 PM Re: This is all Disorganized, sorry:) [Re: Sterling]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 279
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
I think i should ..i should see what are my options about living somewhere else for a while.
I dont like to be too ,sensitive. But i figure all this crap- how could i not be.
I was saying earlier about how a snapped at my mom;and then she began to cry as she was walking around her kitchen...
i was thinking to myself ( what did i say? was it too ,nuch?)
But , i masturbated earlier....and then i loathed my-self for it!

I went downstairs..my folks were sleeping ... i closed the kitchen door..and brought out some blank paper and began to write whatever /scribe...so i realized i was supposed to be a girl. I can understand my ENVY to other men. I get triggered easily.
I was writing words front,bcak , and in cyrillic (asian, arabic- i would love ,if i knew!)
.. i know i wasnt loved.
But now i know to my mom ,m y getting angry ,,-i had no reason.
But now , i did.
Last night when i wrote this... after i accidently erased it; i
had forgot to rewrite how i cant - it is sooo difficult to get
the image of ALLOWING myself get to a third -base with a woman,
b/c i was told it was not right for me.
So if i scared some people that is ,alrigh when you feel like
killing certain people;such as my dad's sister-in-law/ and parents,Brother.
All i had was Ken dolls- and they were naked i waqs obsessed and
learned to caress their gentalia.
My dad doesnt want this-truth, of what they did to me.
Last night at a local coffee shop... i was standig up for my mom
,regarding what they did to her and i finished off saying to him
: " that there isnt an ounce of Macedonian in me!"
It didnt do anything.
Anyway...i am loved by some.
And i like you guys. I dont know where i would be ,had it not
be for you guys & this website!

Goran

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#409002 - 09/05/12 04:33 AM Re: This is all Disorganized, sorry:) [Re: Sterling]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3611
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Goran,
It is always difficult with unsupportive parents frown
At least it seems like your mother and you have good relationship, that is great. It would be also helpful if you could find some new friends even there is some time needed for such task, I hope that you are going in that direction.
Don't forget that you have some friends here who care smile
Share with us further.
Love you ((((Goran))))

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#409074 - 09/05/12 02:16 PM Re: This is all Disorganized, sorry:) [Re: Sterling]
Afldman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest
((((Goran))))
_________________________
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

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#409607 - 09/09/12 04:33 PM Re: This is all Disorganized, sorry:) [Re: Afldman]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 279
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
MMMMMM MI FEEL NICE AND WARM!

AH, THANKYOU, THANKYOU VERY MUCH!!!!


XO
gORAN

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