I can't tell others what they should believe in regarding faith, CSA and finding a new direction. I can only speak for me. As a Christian I know that CSA along with verbal and physical abuse are not what God wants for any child or adult. I've learned through my counselors that I had been programmed to believe abuse was all I was made for. It provided affection that I didn't get at home, having been born into a place that didn't really want me, at least that was the message I received clear enough. Others picked up on that, and through it used me for their own enjoyment. My CSA started around age 6, by age 9 or 10 I was an expert at providing oral sex and when puberty hit, I became promiscuous as many survivors do. I never left the Church, but fear kept me from saying anything and I always felt the best I could do was stand on the edge but not really be a part of the body of believers. I am lucky too as no one at Church ever abused me, I only wish I could have known how to reach out or that any adult had noticed I was in pain inside. The first person who abused me threatened to hit me if I didn't cooperate and provide what he wanted. So I did, as I got hit enough at home and knew what it meant. That started the programming in me, and I am pretty sure he let others know about "that kid will play". Each event deepened the programming, and further convinced me I was beyond God's love. Around age 9, four men picked me up when I was walking home and used me. I don't think anyone at home noticed I was gone for a couple of hours. Why? I can't understand that.

Still, I know now that was all a bunch of lies. I know too that God never left me and He has led me to people who helped me to see the truth. The hardest part of starting counseling was the feeling that other's had it much worse, as I have read in some stories here. My counselor taught me that even one event is bad, and that it is not a competition and it was not our fault! I know I have a lot of work yet to do, and I am finally getting to start counseling again this week. It will help to to keep on sorting out the things I still don't understand. There is a lot I don't understand and the confusion makes me sad. Still as I have said before, I know I am not defined by what they said I was. I am only defined by who God says I am, and He does not care where I have been, only where I am going. It feels like I have a long road ahead, but maybe it won't be as long as I'm feeling, and I know I am on the right path now. Even though I stumble at times, I really appreciate all that I'm learning here and know it's a privilege to be here. I will keep moving forward, I will figure it out and I will become the person God meant for me to be...

Wow, it sounds like you know the direction in which you want to go. My own realization that my abusers were really f'ed in the head has taken a lot of the feelings of guilt(my own participation) and put the onus back on them. I had no control of those situations, but I do have choices now. I can choose whether to act out or not. I can chose whether to heal or not. I can choose to do something about my addictions or not. To do nothing is to change nothing. I needed changing and that is what I started three years ago (I am 53 now). I rely on my Higher Power giving me the strength I need to do the things I need to do to stay in a mentally healthy place. It has taken a lot of hard work but every second has been worth it.

Stay strong and keep your focus like a laser on getting better.

lb

Hey Buffalo,
I must notice that you've surprised me with your openness and with sharing your story, just proceed like that further if you feel good about it. You've been more than courageous do tell us all that, you have my hat off!
God love us all !


Pero

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel like I can relate to a few of the things you brought up, even though my abuse happened when I was 22.

I don't consider myself Christian (or any other religion), but the main thing that I took from my experience was the sense of some sort of God being involved and that I wasn't alone in it. I have some pretty strong beliefs that I've come to realise through the things I've seen.

I can't speak for anybody else, but I think in my life, the horrible things I went through eventually healed a lot of the things that had been wrong with me to begin with.

I completely understand what you mean when you said it's a privelege to be here You seem to be doing so well and I think sometimes we have to just keep going and doing our best and trust that we're headed the right way.

Good post, Buffalo!

that's pretty much how i feel, too, though there are ups and downs.

please keep on contributing. it is really helpful to see stuff like this.

Lee

Thanks for sharing that story Buffalo. All I can say is Amen brother. Amen. The same God that parted the Red Sea and turned water into wine and caused the blind to see is the same God we serve today. Alot may ask " where was God at". Well God was not it the people that abused us thru free will. Christians are not safe from free will of others. The abusers were with out God not us. Again thanks for sharing.

Can faith come out of fear? In being honest with myself I realize I am now praying my heart out because I am lost and I am afraid...

Hi Steve, I was able to face my fear through working with my Christian T's. Will admit it was not easy facing that along with the anger. They were both a huge help there, and I no longer have the nightmares. That was a big step forward for me too. I know I have stuff left to sort out, but each step is a good one. I know too that for me the fear came from the dark one, who wanted me to stay afraid, and wanted me to feel guilt and shame too. Once I realized that God knows everything, I didn't have to feel ashamed, guilty or fearful any more. That chain was broken, and now I can work on my programming and other stuff I still don't understand. Stay strong!

Steve, u have no need to fear if u have God first in your life. Let it all go and surrender all ur worries and fears to Him. The bible says , I think like over 300 times, not to fear. Fear is directly from satan.

God's Word tells us that, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom."

When we realize our place before God, fear is normal. BUT it's the BEGINNING! It's not how it's supposed to remain.

God's Love, Perfect Love, will in time banish all fears, as you realize that God's plans for your are to prosper you and give you hope and a future.

Certainly pray your heart out, and know that God hears your prayers.

So, I started T again last Thursday with the same Christian counselor I had before. She's very good and says God is telling her stuff I need to do. I'll do whatever she thinks I need to because I trust her and God. I don't want to be doing this, but I know the alternative holds nothing good for me so I'll keep going forward. I know now too there will be a day when this sadness will be gone for good, permanently. It will just take some work getting there.

Stay positive Buff. There is some reason y'all have been linked together. Beat of luck bro

Thanks everyone. With all the support I get here, with my counselor and through the few friends at church who know about this, I will do my best to stay positive and sort it all out. I'm ok with it not being easy, because I understand now that is just part of the process. I have gotten this far and will not turn back.

Thats why windshields are bigger than rear view mirrors. It is more important to see where you are going than where you have been.

Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe
-John 20:29

I have to share this. When I first reconnected with God, I came to understand and say quite proudly that I am not longer defined by who "they" said I was. Yesterday I realized that I was NEVER defined by who they said I was. I am becoming less afraid to step out and testify, and I will get to that point where I can do that. Things still hit me like emotional waves, and it still hurts but I am moving forward. Knowing now what I learned yesterday will help me to get to where He wants me to be.

Great and I am soo happy for you my brother. I was hit with a big ole smile when I read this. Thanks for sharing and I am glad to see you growing and God working thru you.

I'm praying to God to help me, as I can't deal today. He can, and tomorrow will be better, has to be...

Call out to God for help. God works. Call upon Him. Just say: "God help me".

That's what I did at age 15 when I was at the end of my rope. I was all alone. I found an empty classroom during lunch and cried. God answered. Monday I sought help from the social worker, who arranged for me to have speech therapy. Another boy came up and asked me to eat lunch with them. That is, to be in their clique. No more tears.

Puffer

What works for me brother. I turn on some good worship music and start praising God. Then that leads me to a place where my prayer seems so direct and in tune with God. When it is a very difficult issue I recently fasted and it was amazing how God moved in my situation. The battles we far have already been won in Jesus name. We just pray and claim that victory brother. I hate that you are struggling but I know the struggle solver and you do too. The devil comes at us hard especially when we are believers. It is written tho that if you rebuke him in the name of Jesus that he must flee. Not may flee or should flee. He must flee. God cast him out of heaven like a bolt of lightning. He don't want no more of that brother. So praise God, then pray to God and claim your victory in Jesus name. Buff I know you can do this brother. Get personal with God. Talk to Him. I love ya brother and I know He will protect and provide. He saves and sustains. Pilate couldn't find fault in Him and Herod couldn't kill Him. The world couldn't shake Him and the grave couldn't hold Him. That's my God. Do you trust Him. Then claim that victory brother. It is already yours. We and this world will fail you but Je never will. He is imperially powerful. He is a healer and a helper. He is and always will be just and righteous. His phone is never busy. You have a direct line brother. Use it and I will too. Lets pray it out

I am looking up! This is the enemy fighting me hard and trying to convince me I can never be free and healed. I'm already free! I will be healed, and then I will be a hunter too. I learned last week that the depth of my past is only an indication of the height of my future, so I'll learn how to fight evil too. God will show me how to sort this stuff out, and how to deal with so much of what I don't understand about how life is supposed to work. I need a job to get back to school, and He will lead me there too if that is where he wants me to be. My counselor in HS said I was not smart enough to go to college, and she was wrong.

It's like this is a train wreck and my learning and finding a normal life are all in a pile on the side of broken tracks. But, God can fix the tracks, put the train back on and make it into a better train, and lead me to a place where I know what normal is and to where he wants me to be.

I will also find a way to help the little kid inside sleep in His hand. I don't even know how old I am inside, but he can fix that too. Lincoln is my favorite President. He said once: "Many times I have been driven on my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. That all about me seemed insufficient for the day". I'm there, and He will show me how to keep moving forward. I am, and I will be, so much more through Him then anyone ever expected I could be.

My lady T gently pushed me to trying a guy T and I was hesitant at first, but I trust her so I reached out. I am working with him now and he is awesome, also a Christian counselor. My focus now in on trying to see me as God sees me, which is hard somedays as I am still human and still confused inside about things. Someone here asked me what I think sex is. To me it is something you do for someone else. The word intimacy scares me because it's supposed to mean a shared relationship, but I don't understand how to do that, I only know how to provide and do what I'm told to do, so I struggle with the idea. My new counselor uses a process called Theophostic ministry and I like this approach. It's like we focus on something and ask God to take us there and show us what was happening, where feelings we have today started with events, and we look hard at memories. I know of some events, and that I learned to dissociate. With the ones I know about more details are filling in and that hurts, as I don't want to see any more details. I told my T I think we have to look at them to stomp them, so I'm trying. One image came to my mind several times during our first Theophostic process this week. That was the face of a lion. I think it was Aslan from the Narnia stories who is really the Lion of Judah. Seeing the Lion there with all that other stuff shows me God was there and is here. I know He can fix anything so I will try to climb up on the Lion's back and let Him take me where He wants me to go. I don't want to see any more memories or find new triggers, but if the Lion says I have to I will. Better to follow His direction then the direction I got growing up from the enemy who whispers nothing but lies that I won't believe anymore.

man well said

Buffalo -

this sounds really good!
what does "Theophostic process" mean?

Lee

Theophostic is a prayer focused T process. You let God take you to the source of your pain and feelings from today, back to where that idea was planted in you. It is not easy, but several times while sitting there with my eyes closed, crying and looking at events, the face of the Lion appeared to me. It is a Spirit led process and He has told me there is one more event further back I have to face for now. I know some places on the net say the process is not a true Christian approach, but I know it is working for me. I do not believe the Spirit would lead me to a process now that is false, so I am moving forward. I don't want to see this last event, and / or how many others there may be but if that is where I am led I must go there. We are not alone in this.

One thing I have noticed around the site is that some forms of "hate speak" are considered ok, or at least it feels that way. I do not preach in the chat room for example. If I am asked if I'm a person of faith, I will proudly say yes I am. The other day, a member told me I have mental problems because I support an organization (the church) which supports and practices child abuse. In one broad brush stoke, he labeled all people of faith as predators. At least I can say others challenged him on that along with me. Yet the fact is he felt comfortable attacking my faith in God. So much for the open mindedness of the secular progressive world.

I know where I was, I know where I am now, and I know who got me this far. Yet, some people here openly slam Christians or others, and when called out on it they respond with a comment such as "you need to be more open minded". Who is not being open minded in this? Attacks here on people of faith or those of one political side or another should not take place. I do not believe we can justify bad behavior by pointing to the bad behavior of others. As survivors, or supporters of survivors, we have had enough labels placed on us already along with the hurt that comes with it.

I know people were hurt in churches by predators. I also know Jesus was hurt by people in His church too. The actions of men (or women) in the natural are not always the actions of God. God did not sit by silently when my abuse happened, but the natural world in which we live is a world of free will. That is how He has ordained it whether we understand this or not. I know this too, God has already taken what was meant for my harm and has turned it toward my good. I am moving forward, I am starting to speak out and through his grace, and the hunted will become the hunter.

People want to point at believers and cry homophobic!! These same people will descend on Chick-fil-A for a national "kiss-in" day to make a point. A point about what? If someone doesn't like that this company's CEO is a person of faith...take your business elsewhere or start your own. The girl who came under attack by the angry customer in a youtube video that went viral showed great kindness in the face of meanness. It is sad how people can organize a national kiss-in day, yet there is no national movement to protest NAMBLA, or the numerous web sites that offer pornography of what they represent as "barely legal boys".

There are certainly people in churches who point to others (homosexuals, divorcees, ex-convicts or whatever) and say your sin is worse then mine. That is wrong and I don't like seeing it happen. These people are not following scripture in that approach, and I will not go down that road. Who ever wants to assume Christians are supposed to be perfect need to understand only one perfect person ever walked this earth in our faith, and that was Christ. My job is to glorify him in my behavior towards others, so I will not launch personal attacks on anyone. I may ask questions, I will defend myself when attacked, and hope those who want to see me as a mental case because I have faith will somehow look beyond their own stereotypes and see who I really am.

Amen Brother hit the nail on the head again
It is embarrassing that people would stand out with signs saying God hates F### or any such thing because this is not the love of Christ . Not to mention if someone has a bad experience with church or Christians than they just chalk it up as lumping everyone together . Or even just giving up on it all together because they had a bad experience when people have a bad sexual experiences do they give up?

It is irrational thinking really hell people even keep going back to people that continually hurt them or stab them in the back , do they give up on the relationship or give up on friendships that are not that healthy for themselves ? No

But because Christianity deals with the one thing most people do not want to deal with and that is sin than they find all kinds of reasons to try to discredit Christ or discredit the word of God instead of finding reasons to seek Christ or the word of God . There are plenty of reasons to pursue Christ but people want to be their own God they want to be " in control " but in control of nothing really.

The people that do not understand are usually the people who have not experienced Christ for themselves they are not trying to seek Thus sayeth the Lord for themselves . The Holy Spirit is intelligent it will lead and guide you into the knowledge of truth NOT MAN . Every man is not going to get it right and doctrine has really thrown everything off course a bunch of mans puffed up ideas trying to be preached as fact .

Doctrine is people getting together and picking and choosing how THEY believe this or that . People really need to just dig into the word of God for themselves and allow the Holy Spirit to lead them and guide them .
The spirit is intelligent the word of God is going to speak to each person right where they are in their life. A certain scripture is going to mean more to me in one way than it might mean to you because it is going to speak to you in a different way and lead you in a different direction because that is what you need at that particular time in your life , and it will lead me and work for me in a different way at that particular time in my life . This is the beauty of the word of God is going speak to you where you are .

The word is going to come alive in the area you need it to most When Allowed.
There are some things that are not going to make any sense to you one day and than all of a sudden maybe even 2 yrs later make complete and utter sense because you are ready to see it you are ready to receive it . I hope I am making sense

The moral of all this is that people who have been offended in one way or another with Christianity or God will continually find ways to believe in other things even if it hurts them but yet when it comes to God they want to only find ways not to believe.

I agree with your points Buffalo. Thank you for having the courage to post this.

Thanks Ntsaved and Jim. One of the good things I learned growing up was to respect other's beliefs and I try to. But, I have had my fill of labels from predators or people in general who think it's ok to treat me bad because I have faith, and because some groups think it's ok to dump on "those people" because they need to know how it feels to be marginalized. I know how that feels, learned that from CSA, and the other abuse. So my faith, it works for me, and I will not turn my back on the One who rescued me.