I can't tell others what they should believe in regarding faith, CSA and finding a new direction. I can only speak for me. As a Christian I know that CSA along with verbal and physical abuse are not what God wants for any child or adult. I've learned through my counselors that I had been programmed to believe abuse was all I was made for. It provided affection that I didn't get at home, having been born into a place that didn't really want me, at least that was the message I received clear enough. Others picked up on that, and through it used me for their own enjoyment. My CSA started around age 6, by age 9 or 10 I was an expert at providing oral sex and when puberty hit, I became promiscuous as many survivors do. I never left the Church, but fear kept me from saying anything and I always felt the best I could do was stand on the edge but not really be a part of the body of believers. I am lucky too as no one at Church ever abused me, I only wish I could have known how to reach out or that any adult had noticed I was in pain inside. The first person who abused me threatened to hit me if I didn't cooperate and provide what he wanted. So I did, as I got hit enough at home and knew what it meant. That started the programming in me, and I am pretty sure he let others know about "that kid will play". Each event deepened the programming, and further convinced me I was beyond God's love. Around age 9, four men picked me up when I was walking home and used me. I don't think anyone at home noticed I was gone for a couple of hours. Why? I can't understand that.

Still, I know now that was all a bunch of lies. I know too that God never left me and He has led me to people who helped me to see the truth. The hardest part of starting counseling was the feeling that other's had it much worse, as I have read in some stories here. My counselor taught me that even one event is bad, and that it is not a competition and it was not our fault! I know I have a lot of work yet to do, and I am finally getting to start counseling again this week. It will help to to keep on sorting out the things I still don't understand. There is a lot I don't understand and the confusion makes me sad. Still as I have said before, I know I am not defined by what they said I was. I am only defined by who God says I am, and He does not care where I have been, only where I am going. It feels like I have a long road ahead, but maybe it won't be as long as I'm feeling, and I know I am on the right path now. Even though I stumble at times, I really appreciate all that I'm learning here and know it's a privilege to be here. I will keep moving forward, I will figure it out and I will become the person God meant for me to be...

Wow, it sounds like you know the direction in which you want to go. My own realization that my abusers were really f'ed in the head has taken a lot of the feelings of guilt(my own participation) and put the onus back on them. I had no control of those situations, but I do have choices now. I can choose whether to act out or not. I can chose whether to heal or not. I can choose to do something about my addictions or not. To do nothing is to change nothing. I needed changing and that is what I started three years ago (I am 53 now). I rely on my Higher Power giving me the strength I need to do the things I need to do to stay in a mentally healthy place. It has taken a lot of hard work but every second has been worth it.

Stay strong and keep your focus like a laser on getting better.

lb

Hey Buffalo,
I must notice that you've surprised me with your openness and with sharing your story, just proceed like that further if you feel good about it. You've been more than courageous do tell us all that, you have my hat off!
God love us all !


Pero

Thanks for sharing your story. I feel like I can relate to a few of the things you brought up, even though my abuse happened when I was 22.

I don't consider myself Christian (or any other religion), but the main thing that I took from my experience was the sense of some sort of God being involved and that I wasn't alone in it. I have some pretty strong beliefs that I've come to realise through the things I've seen.

I can't speak for anybody else, but I think in my life, the horrible things I went through eventually healed a lot of the things that had been wrong with me to begin with.

I completely understand what you mean when you said it's a privelege to be here You seem to be doing so well and I think sometimes we have to just keep going and doing our best and trust that we're headed the right way.

Good post, Buffalo!

that's pretty much how i feel, too, though there are ups and downs.

please keep on contributing. it is really helpful to see stuff like this.

Lee

Thanks for sharing that story Buffalo. All I can say is Amen brother. Amen. The same God that parted the Red Sea and turned water into wine and caused the blind to see is the same God we serve today. Alot may ask " where was God at". Well God was not it the people that abused us thru free will. Christians are not safe from free will of others. The abusers were with out God not us. Again thanks for sharing.

Can faith come out of fear? In being honest with myself I realize I am now praying my heart out because I am lost and I am afraid...

Hi Steve, I was able to face my fear through working with my Christian T's. Will admit it was not easy facing that along with the anger. They were both a huge help there, and I no longer have the nightmares. That was a big step forward for me too. I know I have stuff left to sort out, but each step is a good one. I know too that for me the fear came from the dark one, who wanted me to stay afraid, and wanted me to feel guilt and shame too. Once I realized that God knows everything, I didn't have to feel ashamed, guilty or fearful any more. That chain was broken, and now I can work on my programming and other stuff I still don't understand. Stay strong!

Steve, u have no need to fear if u have God first in your life. Let it all go and surrender all ur worries and fears to Him. The bible says , I think like over 300 times, not to fear. Fear is directly from satan.

God's Word tells us that, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom."

When we realize our place before God, fear is normal. BUT it's the BEGINNING! It's not how it's supposed to remain.

God's Love, Perfect Love, will in time banish all fears, as you realize that God's plans for your are to prosper you and give you hope and a future.

Certainly pray your heart out, and know that God hears your prayers.