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#408721 - 09/02/12 07:46 PM don't know
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3301
Loc: back in the USA
yesterday morning in church i had the weirdest experience.

we were going to have communion after the main part of the service. the pastor called up several men to serve. he called my name. i was so shocked. that had not ever happened before. i wanted to say - no, you don't know who you are asking and why i am not worthy. but i was afraid to make a scene and didn't want to attract any more attention than necessary. so i went and did it and felt like a cowardly hypocrite. i started crying and couldn't stop. that made it worse. i was thinking that if they noticed, people would be thinking how "spiritual" i was and yet - i had no idea why i was crying and didn't want to mislead anyone. i just felt small and hurt and like i wanted to disappear. i don't feel like it is right for me to be seen as a leader or example or whatever. guess i must look better than i feel. i'm not even sure what i believe, beyond the basics. wondering if i need to have a talk with the pastor...

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#408722 - 09/02/12 08:01 PM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Lee, you are worthy of service to our Lord, in front of your brothers and sisters, in faith and courage to get up and minister.

What you doubt, what you question is not what called you up to service, but your faith, that faith that brings you to the meeting every week. What you are sure of you present in your life, the need to meet, the need to profess, the need to be in the company of those with faith.

We find it difficult to accept praise or to be acknowledged, that may have been your difficulty here. When we are asked we feel inferior, going over all the "reasons" we should not be picked, afraid of the potential embarrassment, or worse, the consequences of failure.

You are worthy, yes, talk to your spiritual leader, and accept what he says!

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#408740 - 09/02/12 11:12 PM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3301
Loc: back in the USA
thanks, Sam
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#408761 - 09/03/12 09:05 AM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
quasimodo Offline


Registered: 09/03/12
Posts: 8
Loc: Kansas City, Kansas
Lee, I have worked hard on my recovery and my spiritual health seems to be the "link" that creates a solid foundation for my new life. Being willing to accept spiritual help is the first step to actually accepting that help. Opening that door is what allowed my Higher Power (or whatever you want to call it) to give me the strength I needed to start that acceptance. I was then able to understand a little bit about how my willingness to believe in something was transformed into help which I desperately needed.

I have been on this journey for 3 years and 5 months.

My life has completely changed.

lb

*Nothing changes if nothing changes*
*It is never too late to be who you might have been*

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#408823 - 09/03/12 07:59 PM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3301
Loc: back in the USA
Quasimodo -

thanks for the response. happy it's "working" for you.

you said,"Being willing to accept spiritual help is the first step to actually accepting that help."

i think i am willing - and have been all along. in fact that's what i have searched for and prayed for ever since i can remember. and i know that God has been there for me at numerous times - not least the 3 times i was considering suicide. it's the other times that i have trouble with. like - God doesn't let me off myself - but he lets sick bastards molest me. i have a hard time accepting that - the selective intervention. i'm not giving up on him - but not giving him a free pass, either. i know this is presumptuous and probly very wrong - but it is the way i honestly feel.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#408825 - 09/03/12 08:26 PM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Hi Traveler, to me there is no question that you are worthy. For years I believed I was unworthy and beyond God's love. I believed that because the only place I found any kind of affection sometimes was from the abusers, and they told me that to keep control over me. I don't buy it anymore. I know I am a long way from perfect, but being perfect is not a measure of our worthiness. Only one perfect person ever walked the earth, and for the rest of us...we can participate simply because we are redeemed, forgiven and Children of the Most High God. I'm not standing on the edge anymore, and am happy to have friends like you here and in Church too.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#408826 - 09/03/12 08:58 PM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
quasimodo Offline


Registered: 09/03/12
Posts: 8
Loc: Kansas City, Kansas
Lee, I believe in something more powerful than myself. Call it God, call it god, call it anything you want. I do not believe any "God" would let that happen to anyone. But it does. So, for me, I take something that has happened in my life and try to use it to better myself. We have to learn to do this with the tragic things which will happen to us. Like the death of our parents, or cancer, or getting in an automobile accident, or any of the million shitty things that can (and often does) happen. I have learned to use crap like that to make me stronger. What else are you going to do? Quit? Give up? That is always a choice. The point is, you DO have a choice. I choose to get better. I choose to try to understand the things I can and the things I cant understand I just choose to be ok for now with them. There are so many things three years ago I couldnt grasp the meaning of and now I see some of the complexities of them. And I also see how simple some of the answers are that I have been making very complicated. I am working a very simple program that keeps my head in the right place, my feet always pointing forward and on the ground, and my heart in the right place.

Love to talk more about it. It is all AA stuff but it has changed my life, and it sure needed changing!

lb

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#408855 - 09/04/12 12:29 AM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
We are made worthy thru the spilled blood of Jesus Christ. That pastor called your name because he was led to do so. You were strong bro. I am proud of you for not rejecting this. I cry every Sunday brother. We are all unworthy of the sacrifices that were made for us. I would just go out on a limb an forgive me if I am wrong but you may have been feeling convicted. Maybe feeling convicted wrongly because of your feelings of wing unworthy , if that even makes sense. What I do in that case is just turn it over to God. I release all of me to Him. I can't handle it but he can. Pray first in everything brother and stay strong. This one little step on coming out of your comfort zone was a big step forward in a journey. A journey to that mansion that He has prepared for you. I am happy for you and completely understand.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409663 - 09/10/12 05:01 AM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3301
Loc: back in the USA
thank you all – Sam, Quasimodo, Buffalo, & Country.

no offense, but despite your encouraging words, i just wasn't getting it. i appreciated your efforts and i really wanted to believe it, but couldn't make myself accept it. Your combined wisdom and trustworthiness just wasn’t enough authority to convince me.

then Sunday came – I went to church with the same mixture of expectation and anxiety as usual. expectation because the message always seems to contain something intended just for me alone. anxiety - for the same reason. this time was no exception - and i didn't have long to wait.

before the service started, they were telling people to pray and while i was praying a picture came into my head that i had seen before - of Peter having a vision in Acts 10 of the sheet full of "unclean" animals coming out of heaven. i looked it up and read the passage and came to the part with the voice out of heaven when Peter refused to eat because they were "unclean:" "Do not call unacceptable what God has made acceptable.” AND – this happened !!!3!!! TIMES to Peter. Wow – I thought – could this be meant for me – is it talking about my own feelings of being unclean and unacceptable?

Almost before I finished thinking that, the pastor was speaking – telling a story about a time when he had been given a special message, commission or blessing by God and he was telling God that he was unworthy. He said that while he was praying, it was as if he heard a voice saying – “Do not call him unworthy who I have made worthy by my blood.” That made me start shaking and crying. i got it.

It was so precise and pointed. There were !!2!! messages – really the same message twice - and both together – one directly to my own mind through memory of a picture and the word of God – and the other from someone I know, trust and respect – who knew nothing of what I was going through. The strange thing is – this was before the sermon started – and it had little-to-nothing to do with the topic of the sermon. To tell the truth – the rest of the service was anti-climactic after that.

And then I came back here and read what you guys wrote. And it all fitted together. I am not unclean. I am cleansed. I am acceptable. I can believe that. I can’t argue. I may not feel it yet, but maybe someday I will. In the meantime, I will remember the !!!3!!! times God told me this – through you all, through the picture/scripture and through the pastor.

this is the kind of thing that happens to other people.

thanks again,
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#409667 - 09/10/12 07:11 AM Re: don't know [Re: traveler]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
This made me smile early this morning. The Angels are rejoicing and there is a mansion being prepared for you Lee. My heart is so happy for you. The battle has already been fought bro. We are delivered because of His blood spilled for us. Congrats Lee and I just wish I could express how much I needed to hear this message you gave. Thanks for sharing.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
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