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#408706 - 09/02/12 02:01 PM "women want a man who...."
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
"is confident."
"is together and self assured."
"takes charge in the bedroom."
"is very experienced with women."
"is strong, manly, and macho."
"a stud who can perform whenever."

To be frank -that's bullshit. I want a man who:

- Is my friend.

- Is playful, scared, sarcastic, curious, uncertain, insecure, goofy, or nervous at times. It keeps it interesting.

- Gets upset, is afraid and cries sometimes. It shows courage to be real, and wins my respect. It lets me know him better and feel closer to him. And it gives me permission to be real too.

- Prioritizes us both feeling safe and comfortable first.

- Who doesn't have all the answers but is willing to ask questions, even though it's sometimes awkward, embarrassing or scary. And I can ask him questions. We can learn together safely.

- Doesn't worry so much about my needs/wants all the time. It's a lot of pressure for me, I don't need or want the focus on me all the time.

- Is honest about when he's not feeling good.

- Lets me know what works for him and what doesn't.

This all applies in the bedroom, and out of it. You don't need to play a role, just be yourself. A real woman can handle the messiness, and loves you more for it.

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#408750 - 09/03/12 03:52 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
Hello.

While I don't doubt your good intentions with this message, it just seems wrong to me.

I have a lot of female friends, who often confide in me, treat me as a friend, I've even had some phone me at midnight in absolute distress "because I couldn't talk to anyone else" yet I've never had a relationship ever.

What you describe above is what I'd count as being a friend, but it just in my experience seems women don't want a friend for a relationship, ---- or at least not a friend when that friend happens to be me, in fact my entire treatment of "women" the same way I'd treat a male friend, ie, being as much a friend as possible seems to be completely useless. sinse whether or not i feel that I want to be more than friends with someobody, nothing ever happens. I've even on a good fiew occasions had the "you'd make a great husband/boyfriend" speech from innumerable girls and women, indeed I had it again last week at music school, (usually marital status depends upon the age of the lady in question), but always with the proviso that "not my! boyfriend" (at least with the younger ones). It is always a friend I feel this for, but none of my friends have ever felt it for me, or at least not to my knolidge, ---- sometimes I feel like the entire world's brother!

So, while I appreciate the thought here, it just seems absolutely and totally wrong, or at least incomprehensible to me. Maybe next time I want to be close to a girl I should just say something really offensive and unpleasant and see if it helps laugh. (joke of course).

Btw, I appologize if anyone saw the previous, much more abrupt and angry version of this response, it wasn't well considdered, and born mostly out of yet another genophobic nightmare, ---- though i realize that is not an excuse.


Edited by dark empathy (09/03/12 05:05 AM)

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#408767 - 09/03/12 09:38 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
You are so right on, mm. with what I want. The other is just some crap society put on men which does nothing but fuck them up. I want a man who is real, too. No more masks!!

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#408770 - 09/03/12 09:45 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 360
Dark,

I am so sorry you feel this way. You sound like you'd be an awesome friend: caring, considerate, wanting to meet others needs but (and I hope you don't take this the wrong way) do you ever let your needs be known?

I certainly don't want a friend who is always there for me but who never needs anything back and has no needs of their own in the friendship/relationship. It is very uncomfortable. Maybe that is just me, I don't know but I hate feeling like I am the only one in the relationship that has needs.

I may be totally off base with this and I apologize if I am...

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#408834 - 09/03/12 10:25 PM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
lostpartner32 Offline


Registered: 06/18/12
Posts: 16
Loc: southeast
I say right on mm. That is what we all want in a man. May sound like friendship, but what is a spouse if he is not your best friend.

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#408849 - 09/03/12 11:47 PM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
I'm sorry but this just seems not to be true, or at least not for me.

if I'd got a partner everytime a female friend told me "what a good boyfriend i'd make" I would be beating king henry the 8th five times over.
from my own experience, even if women want someone to be friends with as a partner, there is something else involved, something extra that has nothing to do with friendship, and something which i obviously don't have, ---- but "I'm a good friend!"

Maybe my abusers were right after all and I am just deseased.

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#408859 - 09/04/12 01:06 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
Hi Dark,

Well, I am speaking from my experience, and I hope you can see that I'm not the only woman on earth who feels this way. smile

What I'm reading in your post is frustration that women tend to see you in a non-sexual brotherly way. I have been thinking a lot on your post, and wondering (and feel free to reject this idea if it doesn't ring true) is it possible you may have cultivated this brotherly image to keep yourself safe?

From everything you've said, you get very positive responses from women. They feel close to you, value you and trust you. They even go so far as to say "you'd make a great boyfriend," which, when I myself said those words to a guy, meant "I'd love to be your girlfriend if you gave me a chance!"

I would gently encourage you to consider the possibility that a woman who likes you and finds you attractive may be afraid to make a move because she senses some subtle stay-away signals from you. I'd wager that any woman who knows you well, has very likely intuited your fear through many conversations and interactions, and is going to be sensitive to and respectful of your boundaries -because she cares about you and respects you. Someone who likes you isn't going to want to make you feel scared or threatened, and they are going to instinctively tread lightly, and give you space until you somehow find a way to signal "it's ok to come closer."

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#408861 - 09/04/12 01:11 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
And also, to add, I said "You'd make a great boyfriend" to the guy in question, rather than "I think you're hot, can we go out?" because I didn't want to trigger him. He is a survivor too and also has genophobia. I respected his sensitivity and didn't want him to feel threatened or like I had some kind of hidden motive. In the end, I care about HIM way more than having a romance with him, so I guess I was able to put my feelings aside and let that part go, and I was happy to be his friend, which is where he seemed to feel more comfortable. (Just sharing my experience from the "other side of the fence," if it helps you.)

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#408872 - 09/04/12 03:41 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
Mmm, I simply do not know. Certainly on some occasions (such as last week), I've had the "you would make a good boyfriend" comment from women who were already in very committed relationships, so i never assumed it meant more than it said.

other occasions, ---- well God knows! actually, for me about the best thing a woman could do is just frankly tell me she's interested in being more than friends, sinse I just cannot do this mysterious signals thing at all. This is exactly why I have no idea that anyone! has ever wanted to be closer than friends. After the fact other people have suggested as much, but I just don't have the equipment to pick that up.

in fact I'm often really jealous of women, sinse in initiating relationships, even in this so called enlightened era, it's still the man who must make the first obvious move, must put himself on the line while the woman just sits back and has all the power to accept or reffuse.

Yes, "your hot" would be pretty difficult to take, but "would you like to start going out" or "can we be more than friends" or even something more emotional would be a real relief.

But women don't seem to say that to men, at least none of my female friends have, and even when i directly question them about how they initiated relationships with their boyfriends they just talk about "natural processes" as though it's something which everyone should know, ---- everyone accept me obviously.

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#408889 - 09/04/12 11:48 AM Re: "women want a man who...." [Re: mmfan]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Sadly I tried to be the man you mentioned at first. It is what a male survivor , or me anyway, feels the need to be. I now know that I can just be me, I don't have to be the alpha in every conversation. I am learning that my wife likes me for me. So now I can be more like the other man as you described.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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