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#408549 - 08/31/12 02:00 PM First therapy session H goes on rampage... help!
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
So I have been pushing H to get help for CSA pretty hard for a couple months. Asking questions, and I left him a letter telling him how hard it was for me to watch him suffer while I was out of town a few weeks ago. He responded by going on drinking benders, and when I got home he told me he felt a lot of guilt. Said that he couldn't give me what I need right now. He felt it was easier for him to work throw his stuff when I was gone so he asked me to stay with a friend, and said he hoped that this wouldn't take very long.
So I went to a friends house. Meanwhile he is just drinking, telling me how bad his anxiety is, and letting our house become filthy. He was spiraling downward fast and I was worried he would hurt himself. I am the only person who knows of his demons because he hides them from everyone else. So I asked him if I could talk to his mother. He said yes. So I met up with her and told her about how bad it is. How he isn't okay, his drinking, withdrawing, the CSA, etc. I told her that he had asked me to leave, and I was worried that he was getting worse. His parents were shocked responded with love and support as I knew they would. They are willing to pay for counseling etc.
So the night after they try to talk to him I decided to drive to our house so he wouldn't have to spend the night alone. He calls me on the way over and sounds mad. However, when I walk in the door he gives me a big hug. Cuddles with me all evening and then holds me while we sleep. He agreed that it was time for therapy.
I had found a therapist who specializes in CSA, trauma, and relationships. Our first appt was yesterday. The counselor knows why we are there and knows he was abused but I told her he wasn't ready to talk about it just yet. He knew the she knew and went in with his fists up. He spent most of the session talking about all the things I do wrong, re-writing the past to make me sound like a loser, and make him sound like a winner. No mention of the fact that he kicked me out so he could go on a drinking bender. He said that I make "bad decisions" like telling his parents he was abused and telling our therapist. WTF??!!! I guess I would have been more hurt if he had been complaining about actual faults in my personality or actual mistakes I had made in the past. But most of it was so out there that I just wanted to shake him and yell "QUIT ACTING CRAZY!" He said our relationship wasn't moving forward. "DUH YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ALL YOU DO IS SHUT DOWN AND DRINK! YOU AREN'T DOING ANYTHING BUT DESTROY ANYTHING GOOD IN YOUR LIFE!!!AAAHHHHHH!" He also said he didn't know how I felt about our marriage. "REALLY ALL I DO IS REASSURE YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. WHY DON'T YOU HEAR ME!"
But I didn't say any of that all I did was sit quietly and look around the room. I just wanted him to talk and he was so I kept my body language neutral and bite down hard on my tongue. I was glad the the T was able to keep him from shutting down. As he spewed anger all over the room his eyes got watery like he was going to cry. We are going back on Tuesday, and we wants to go back together instead of individually.
And after all of that he texted me last night and asked me how I felt like the appt went. again WTF???!!
So again I bit my tongue and said I was glad he shared his feelings. Because that is the truth.
Can someone please help me understand? This hot and cold behavior makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I don't get it. Am I taking crazy pills here people??!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!
Scotty? Whome? Partners? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!
please pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#408552 - 08/31/12 02:46 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: HD001]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey HD001 please calm yourself, everything will be alright, Ok smile
You did great job by trying and gently pushing your husband toward therapy and dealing with his problems. I've just seen in other your post that you were scared for your husband to open his Pandora's box, well based on what you wrote here it might be that his box is opened already.
Please take care of yourself in all this, you have to have time for your needs and well being. I hope your husband will proceed further and get some treatment that will with some time make his nerves calmer. It is very challenging not to take attacks and outbursts personally in such wild dynamics, please think on that and make some safety border around self.
Somehow I'm not sure about going together to therapy when everything is so raw, maybe some other more experienced survivors or spouses could say something about it? Under such conditions I would not be able keep my sanity and tong closed and probably I would fall to fighting/arguing.I don't think that such therapy session could be helpful to anyone. I'm not sure that you are aware that this is problem deeper and beyond problems in your relationship, he has to fix/heal himself in first place and just than you two will have opportunity to work on your marriage, but it could be needed some time to get there frown
It is great that he started first step. I hope everything will be alright, please try to focus on yourself and your needs much more in upcoming time, that is the best way that you'll also help him!
pero
_________________________
My story

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#408555 - 08/31/12 03:26 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
HD, sounds rough. When we first started therapy together my husband would go nutso. I was very uncomfortable but would go on vacation in my mind and try to block him out.

As uncomfortable as I was with it, I looked at it as a good thing so the therapist can really see waht is going on and maybe help us.

If your therapist is good and well versed in csa, trauma etc he/she will see right through it. Dont you think it is better for him to go off the deep end in therapy rather than put on a mask of composure??

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#408564 - 08/31/12 04:51 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: HD001]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Oh my goodness. I know this isn't funny but I had a good laugh at the idea that your husband needs to stop acting crazy at the therapists office!!!! That was so me.

I was forced into therapy by my family and I resented it. This was years ago before I started on my own. Your husband resents it, too. He may look like a grown man but emotionally he sounds like he's about 8 yrs old. This was a good old fashioned tantrum. I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! What do we do with bad little boys who're having a tantrum? In this case we let him cry it out all on his own. Let him exhaust himself, for now. He's trying to sabotage the process with irrational behaviors. Two reasonable people juxtaposing his childish tantrums should give him pause to consider his behavior. He may become embarrassed enough to participate in earnest. Not saying that will happen tomorrow. Just remember crazy likes crazy. Crazy suddenly feels very self-conscious when crazy meets rational responses.

Let me just stop right here to gush about how YOU did. You were amazing by this account (I know you wrote it, but still). You did all the right things. You stayed calm, didn't get defensive, didn't interrupt the crazy monologue about how you always ruin the meatloaf and why can't you change a freaking light bulb every once in a while! I mean how hard is it? Where was I.... Oh yes, great job. H is terrified so he wants you there. But I am not a fan of the couples thing or the family thing. Personally, I got the most out of 1 on 1 therapy. Perhaps, when he becomes more trusting of the therapeutic relationship he will consent to individual treatment. You are holding his hand as he wades into the kiddie pool. It's a step in the right direction.

For all those who're like, but why resist therapy? Therapy will relieve all the pain. I have an analogy.

The wound of childhood trauma is like a giant scab that covers the whole body. We make a giant band-aid out of our dysfunctional coping mechanisms to cover the scars. Therapy removes that dysfunctional band-aid and it does it agonizingly slowly. We know it's ugly under there and it will hurt like a son-of-a-bitch to rip it off! So we fight like hell to keep our band-aid on. That's why we resist. That's why we throw tantrums. That's why we go for years without ever addressing the CSA issues driving these individual dysfunctions.

Stay the course. Keep peeling. Like any field doctor you gotta focus on the life-saving procedure and pretty much ignore the screaming.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#408568 - 08/31/12 05:37 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: scottyg]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
I don't know anything about my husband's individual therapy but we've had mild episodes like this in therapy. my husband quit drinking and using 8 years ago and from what i've heard, this has helped his outbursts/sick thinking/tantrums quite a bit.

however, what i find most difficult in this relationship dynamic is how my internal reserve for patience and FLEXIBILITY!!!! has to be continually replenished otherwise things fall apart...and it has to be done quietly...as in, i can't say "husband, i'm trying to be patient" or "husband, i'm trying to be flexible." his defenses are high enough that this triggers self-protection and lashing out.

so GOOD ON YOU! you sat through a wild therapy session and held onto that internal grit of toughness, patience, and flexibility. then you came here to talk about it. and it sounds like you are open to going to another one. whatever it takes for you to build up a reserve of patience and flex inside your own core will help for that next session.

scottyg is amazing. thank god he's on here! the band aid analogy is exactly what i needed to hear as well. it's been true for me, i just didn't realize how true it is for husband. and having a third party witness the fury is validating for everyone.

keep writing, it seems to be good for you and it's helpful to others as well.

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#408571 - 08/31/12 05:52 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: HD001]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
After re-reading your post I realize I didn't answer your question of how to improve your meatloaf recipe .....er why the hot and cold reception. The coldness is the dysfunction of abuse, the pushing away. Pre-therapy he still harbors all the self-defeating, self-hating ideas about himself. There is anger and depression and embarrassment about his life so he learned early on to isolate and push away as a coping mechanism. This is where the cold stems from. Be warned, this will not vanish with a few therapy sessions. This dysfunctional behavior was learned and perfected over years and years. It may take years to defeat it.

On the other hand, the hot reception is very sweet. The texts and phone calls are the survivor reaching out for support and reassurance. He asks you how it went to regroup with you, to re-connect with you for support. Deep down he knows it went bad and he acted like a total scottyg. But we're not going to bring up those vulnerabilities right now. So just keep reassuring him that you love him and set the example for what it means to love and be love. Many of us never experienced that little part of life. It's only through the patience of our partners that we really learn what love means. Thank you.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#408599 - 08/31/12 11:44 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: HD001]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Scotty, while we may have learned it, we have not realised its impact and power and taken its existence for granted as expected. THANK YOU for teaching US what love means and for teaching us to appreciate and share what we have learned.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#408648 - 09/01/12 01:06 PM Re: First therapy session H goes on rampage... help! [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
Thank you for your responses, they helped caLm my crazy. Scotty I was laughing out loud at yours good to know that someone shares my sense of humor. My hope is that he will eventually feel safe enough with this therapist to go on his own but yes in the mean time we will be wading in the kitty pool together. I also hope that this angry phase won't go on too horribly long. But it is probably just part or the process to get to the deeper stuff. I thank god for my thick skin and my amazing friends who are helping me look after myself. Thank you again all for your continued support and words of encouragement.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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