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#408554 - 08/31/12 03:15 PM I Cried
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
I guess this is progress but I hated it. Had a very difficult conversation with my wife in which she doubted my abuse. Just called it sexual experimentation...right, with a 21 year old man. Said I love to play the victim. I was crushed. Went to my room and bawled for about 30 seconds and thats all that would come out. I hate to cry, I feel like such a loser.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#408556 - 08/31/12 04:05 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'm so sorry to hear of this Gary. Considering what you've posted about your history, her response doesn't surprise me. And that probably won't make you feel any better, but it's an observation.

What you did was courageous. For whatever reason, she can't recognize it or support it right now.

She has her own, perhaps justifiable, baggage weighing on her. Denial and invalidation, too, may be part of her coping mechanism. When I've felt crushed in a situation like that, I often think that it says more about them than it does about me. It takes some of the sting away.

I like the approach scientists take to failed experiments. They'll say they made progress because now they know what DOESN'T work.

I won't invalidate her feelings...nor YOURS. I wish she could be there for you. Apparently she can't.

What does concern me is that you do whatever is necessary to get some compassionate support. I'm so glad you shared your experience HERE so your brothers could carry you for a while. Even better, do whatever you need to do to get some face time with people who support you.

And, please, keep posting.

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#408557 - 08/31/12 04:14 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Had another thot as I was posting. This is so similar to the invalidation I felt at the hands of my adopted mother. And I did the same thing as a teenager. I'd stay in my room, often crying, but making sure she could never see or hear it.

I felt trapped because I couldn't share my pain with ANYONE. Because I was completely isolated, I actually took it to heart I was a freak.

You're hurting, Gary, but you're not a freak.

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#408608 - 09/01/12 01:36 AM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3611
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm sorry Gary that your wife hurt you so much, words can do do damage sometimes more than some violent act frown
It is good that you can cry when you are hurt, don't be hard to yourself because of that, rather give your self hug, love and couple of encouraging words...
You deserve it (((Gary)))

Pero
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My story

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#408668 - 09/01/12 07:12 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
Got dumped on again today. Wish I'd never told her. Hopeless.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

Top
#408672 - 09/01/12 08:22 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Gary...when do you see the T next? Can you move it up? Just a thot.

Since the subject of bullies came up in another thread, keeping in mind I haven't a clue about your situation, only what you've mentioned here, but you've spoken of feeling as though you'd been verbally abusive yourself. It sounds as if you're being bullied.

This may be advanced stuff since it doesn't involve yelling.

You don't have to react or even give a response to bullying except a firm, "Stop" with direct eye contact. You only have to hold it long enuf to get the message across. It's not a staring contest. The simple goal is to dial down the immediate situation.

And, yeah, a bit of Pavlov's Dog is involved. When she's reasonable, you can engage. When she's not, she'll learn your response.

Ummm...the other question I'd have is whether she's drinking or drugging. That would be important info for the T to have.


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#408674 - 09/01/12 10:58 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
Lancer,

No, no D&D for her. My next T appt is Tuesday. I'll have to hold out till then. In the meantime I may move out and just live in my van. Can't afford my own place.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

Top
#409150 - 09/05/12 10:50 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
Just a follow up here. I went back to my wife and told her how much it hurt me when she invalidated my abuse. I made a clear boundry that if she spoke to me that way again I would end the conversation and walk away. She fought me like hell, but then a day later she apologized and said she won't talk that way anymore. A small miracle. I expected to be packing my things by now.

In turn, I acknowledged what an abusive prick I've been all through our marraige, and told her how sorry I was and how much I want to change. I tried to explain how dealing with my CSA was the only way for me to change my behavior. I don't know if she completely bought that, or for that matter if our marraige will survive much longer. But at least i stood my ground.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

Top
#409986 - 09/12/12 11:56 PM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
Further follow up. Today I noticed a couple of new books on my wife's nightstand. One was titled "When Some One You Love Has Been Abused" the other was titled "Should I Stay or Should I Go, How to Decide Whether to Leave an Abusive Partner"

Should I be optimistic?
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

Top
#409990 - 09/13/12 12:32 AM Re: I Cried [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sounds hopeful to me... smile
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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