Thanks Jude, we can not give up and I know that, no matter how hard the challenge feels in the moment. Abuse is something we went through, but I am trying hard to see what I can be and won't let life define me by it anymore.

It feels like this whole process is like some weird onion. You get rid of one layer, and something new comes up and when you get that, anger comes up again with confusion. How did they even find me, figure out they could use me then trade me around? Why did no one notice? How many more of them are left to uncover? Don't know the answers to any of that yet and maybe it doesn't matter now. Now I want to tell my family about "them" and don't know how to start that. Maybe if I tell them they'll get why I was like I was and why I can be sad sometimes now without being able to explain. I don't know how to explain the unexplainable. Am learning how to take on one thing at a time and beat it down. My T says face it to stomp it, so I guess that's one thing at a time. Just feel like I have to go away for a while till I can figure out where I'm at inside. Inside is just very tired.

when it comes to telling, fear is always the worst. no matter how they take it the result is likely to be better because at least the secret is out as you say buff at least then they would be able to understand some things weather they choose to or not. my parents never responded well to my telling but it was just them passive like they always were. it was just a "SO?" kinda response. you are growing so much man and I know the confusion is terrible but I think you are great! you can do this man and on the other side it will be better no matter how they respond

Thanks New, I will keep going forward as the idea of going back, shutting down or whatever just bites. Will be back on in chat when Im more settled. Thanks again

Been a rough couple of weeks. Took two weeks off from T and start again tomorrow. Now I'm wondering what's the point? I mean, what do we do when healed and think of ourselves as a full survivor? I guess it means not hurting like before inside, and moving forward knowing from that point on "it" no longer consumers your life. Right now I can't imagine what that will be like, not having that stuff in my mind so much, but I still believe it is possible. Soon I hope, then I guess I get to start over as a new me whatever or whoever that will be.

This week in T, I held a section of hot wheels track. May not seem like a big deal to most people, but I was spanked at home with those, and beaten with that by a perp when I was like 9. His way of making sure I kept my mouth shut. My T and I had talked about it, and I was totally sure I could hold it now "being all grown up".

He brought out the track and it got me nervous just seeing it. Still I took it, was shaking and started to cry too, but did it for about 45 seconds. Next week, I'll hold it again and the week after and the week after...till it is just a toy and not a symbol of hurt. I think it's a step forward, least as far as I can understand steps being new to T and healing. It's like just one more thing to deal with but my T says face it to stomp it, and I will. Someday will find the end of these steps too. Am not going to give up no matter how much stuff bites having to just face it. I don't want to, but I don't think trying to just push all the stuff away works at all either, and this is working. Has anyone else done this, like used a prop that represents something bad?