This is my first post here, so bear with me.

In the past year I have come to terms with the fact that my mother abused me. I am 29 now, and I was in denial for most of my life.

I have very vague memories of the incidents, and I think I may have blocked the most serious ones out.

The most prevalent memory I have is of my mother forcing raisins into my rectum. I believe I was around 7 years old at the time. This would usually occur during what she would call "torture time", a time when my dad was not there and she would commit various acts.

My mother is and was a large woman, and "torture time" usually consisted of her sitting on my face and farting, suffocating me with her buttocks, holding me down while she dangled spit in my face, and other non-sexual means of abuse. Occasionally, however, she would force raisins in my rectum.

I remember when I entered first grade that there was a girl my age who I "liked". My mother ridiculed me and made me feel embarrassed about this. I always felt embarrassed when she found out I "liked" a girl or started dating one. This lasted until my 20's. This began, again, around the time the abuse I remember began occurring.

I remember when I was approximately 10-13 years old we would watch HBO together late at night. When the soft-core porn would come on, she would not turn the channel and we would both watch it.

I also remember her allowing me to have pornography in my room, saying that it was "natural" for boys my age to want to see those things.

What scares me is that I used to have fairly frequent dreams about having sex with my mother. In the dreams, I knew it was wrong, but at the same time, as long as no one found out, it was OK. Since I began opening up about the "torture time" and raisin episodes to a counselor, the dreams have stopped.

I have a suspicion that I may be blocking out much more serious acts of abuse by my mother, and as I said, that scares me.

My mother was a very loving person most of the time. She and her sisters were sexually abused and raped by an uncle when they were little, and she has diagnosed mental conditions, possibly being Manic Depressive.

I have completely shut her out of my life and do not allow her contact with my children. I am fully intent on stopping the cycle and not exposing my children to any possibility of abuse by her.

I have feelings of anger toward her that will never be resolved, and right now I would be OK with never having contact with her again.

What I want to know is if anyone has dealt with documented repressed memories that manifested themselves through dreams. I hope that the dreams I used to have were some result of the abuse I can remember, but they were very vivid and I had them for a long time.

There are some good discussions about dreams, one is here:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post271004

Dreams, it has been said, are the mind's way of processing what we have experienced. Sometimes it is to emulate what we admire, or to process what we have experienced. Sexual dreams may not be sexual, but a desire to absorb the power that person or authority has over us. Dream understanding, like recovery, is a patient, slow process.

Please keep recovering,
Sam

As someone without a full awareness of my abuse experience, as my name here suggests, I have deep empathy for your desire to WANT to know more but that's perhaps compounded by the fear of knowing what your subconscious decided was too much for your conscious mind to bear.

Yes, I have. Months ago I had many strange dreams about having sex with my brother, before I recovered my repressed memories showing that in fact he had sexually abused me as a child, and realizing that the situations in the dreams were autobiographical. I suggest reading the book 'Repressed Memories,' by Renee Fredrickson, it has much insight on this subject.

The fact that your mother called it torture herself shows just how aware she was of doing something despicably horrible to you. If some stranger did these things, I'm sure you wouldn't feel any compulsion to reconcile with them, it shouldn't be any different for your mother. Not talking to her ever again would be the healthiest thing for you to do. Your anger is good, and is telling you something. I'm glad you're protecting yourself and your children by not letting this monster into your life.

I used to have the same nightmare over and over as a kid. This was 2 or 3 nights a week for years it seems. I had the nightmare so much it didn't even terrify me anymore. I'd get scared, then as I'm dreaming I remember the outcome that I get away and it would seem almost comforting. I guess I stopped having the dream around 10 or 12. Then I never remembered any dream I had. I forgot about the recurring nightmare for 20 years.

When I started to really address my csa the memory of my nightmare came back. I'd had it so many times it was a vivid memory. But now the nightmare made sense. Though she wasn't in it my nightmare was about the chaos my mother caused on my life and how I could escape that chaos. The nightmare was helping me make sense of my situation as a child. But it tool me till I was 40 to finally understand that.

When I click on the link, it says "Access Denied." Do I have to be a full member to view it?

I will PM you, Tom.


Sam

I also got the response: "Access Denied".

It's not my own experience, but my wife over the last few months as she has begun dealing with her CSA has had some things initially surface in her dreams, only to have fuller memories matching the dreams surface.

I have had dreams about being molested by my uncle and grandfather. If the memories come to match, I'll let you know. Though I don't have the memories to match, I have many reasons to think that it happened.

My mother in many ways sounds like yours. I don't remember being tortured as you were, but have always felt like a torture victim. After my son was born I started having these sorts of waking nightmares, somewhat like compulsive daydreams, in which I imagined her horribly hurting or killing my baby son. It can't be for no reason. I expect that I will eventually remember things like you've described.

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. Just one month ago I officially cut not only my mother but all of my other relatives out of my life. I will not have any contact with them or allow them near my children and plan to never look back.

Just wanted to offer my sympathy and support.

All the best,

Ninja_Turtle

You have to be a "member" of MS in order to access that link.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/register/contact