Hold On Kev. Healing and recovery is not about being perfect. It's about facing our challenges and our failures with healthy responses. YOU are doing that. Right now. Asking for help. Reaching out instead of withdrawing. You are making a positive step. So don't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon. The AA guys have a saying for everything, there's one about this, too. Wish my brain wasn't mush from all that booze...hahaha
Most of us harbor some fear we will become a perp. Good for you. It's the men who do not fear that their actions could hurt people that are the problem. My fears are gone because I look back on my life with decades in denial, decades of abusing alcohol and I have no history of sexual assaults. If I was gonna be a perp I figured I woulda done something by now. What we suffer from is the myth that abuse victims take an automatic path to become perps. Nothing is farther from the truth. A criminal will cry out that he was abused to gain sympathy, but only after he has hurt people. You recognize the pain of abuse and you are terrified of spreading it before you hurt people. Perps don't think like that. You're gonna be ok
As far as sobriety and abusing alchohol I have found that my mental health is directly related to my alchohol abuse. As I grow into a healthy, happy, confident man I find the urge to drink becomes less and less. Drink is simply a medication for our pain. With a better adjusted, more healthy self we diminish the urge to drink. Don't mean I've completely stopped thinking of boozing it at 8 am. But I think, it's morning, I have lots to do and people that count on me. I'm too busy, too important, too happy with myself to start boozing it first thing in the am. You'll get there.
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.