Hello All,

This does not directly have to do with my abuse, but I could sure use some support.
I am an alcoholic. I had four months sober, but I recently relapsed. I feel terrible. Just terrible. I feel like my CSA recovery has gone backwords and I am so scared. Scared of what I could have done while drunk. these things haunt me to no end.

You probably wonder why would I ever drink?... Well, I dont know either. I am trying to stay sober, through AA, and practice. But I went out with some friends and got pretty damn drunk.

Being drunk also triggers my OCD.... the fear that I become a perpetrator when I am drunk. What could I have done that I do not remember?

PLease lend advice support or motivation.

Love,

Kevin

Hey Kevin,
hang on man. Sorry to hear that you have fallen to old habit. Please don't be too hard to yourself because of that. We all are fragile and it is easy to lost the battle. Please try to calm yourself, everything will be alright.
Here is great article about problems that many of us survivors have trough different destructive behaviors including drinking, maybe it will help you to get deeper insight what is happening:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer2.html
Here is my brotherly hug for you
((((Kevin))))

Pero

*

Hold On Kev. Healing and recovery is not about being perfect. It's about facing our challenges and our failures with healthy responses. YOU are doing that. Right now. Asking for help. Reaching out instead of withdrawing. You are making a positive step. So don't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon. The AA guys have a saying for everything, there's one about this, too. Wish my brain wasn't mush from all that booze...hahaha

Most of us harbor some fear we will become a perp. Good for you. It's the men who do not fear that their actions could hurt people that are the problem. My fears are gone because I look back on my life with decades in denial, decades of abusing alcohol and I have no history of sexual assaults. If I was gonna be a perp I figured I woulda done something by now. What we suffer from is the myth that abuse victims take an automatic path to become perps. Nothing is farther from the truth. A criminal will cry out that he was abused to gain sympathy, but only after he has hurt people. You recognize the pain of abuse and you are terrified of spreading it before you hurt people. Perps don't think like that. You're gonna be ok

As far as sobriety and abusing alchohol I have found that my mental health is directly related to my alchohol abuse. As I grow into a healthy, happy, confident man I find the urge to drink becomes less and less. Drink is simply a medication for our pain. With a better adjusted, more healthy self we diminish the urge to drink. Don't mean I've completely stopped thinking of boozing it at 8 am. But I think, it's morning, I have lots to do and people that count on me. I'm too busy, too important, too happy with myself to start boozing it first thing in the am. You'll get there.

Hey Kevin --

I'm not an alcoholic, but the adopted son of several. The man I've most admired in my life is the adopted father who found sobriety 13 years before he died.

In particular, he had the quality of self-honesty, the same quality I perceive in you. Having walked a few miles beside him - and he with me - I support and applaud your struggle.

A few good quotes
•Sobriety is the leading cause of relapse
•This is a one-day-at-a-time program. If you are sober today, you are tied for first place
•I drank when I was happy. I drank when I was unhappy. Actually, I am a reason to drink
•You don't have to be sick to want to get well. But if you don't want to get well, you ARE sick
•All we ask is that you completely change your attitude as soon as possible

•The only normal people are the one's you don't know very well
•Negativity is my disease asking me to come out and play
•You can live a perfectly normal life, as soon as you realize your life will never be perfectly normal
•My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life
•Keep your acceptance level high and your expectation level low!

Kevin,

Don't be too hard on yourself for relapsing. It happens to many of us alcoholics, and we get right back up and start over, one day at a time. Go to meetings kept me sober. Working the steps with the help of a sponsor has started to change my life.

Don't give up on yourself. You deserve sobriety and all that come with it.