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#407404 - 08/21/12 11:13 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Great job and I am sure you are helping him more than you know. Just as my wife has me. It will be a uphill battle for a while though. Stay the course and Leo reaffirming to him. That is huge to us. Words can be huge to a survivor. I am glad for u and him. Good steps on the right path. Congrats.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407411 - 08/21/12 12:04 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Thank you so much Country. It means a lot to have your encouragement.

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#407437 - 08/21/12 03:30 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
So I've been reflecting back on this morning's session with a new therapist and it really pissed me off. He actually suggested that my husband might be lying and that if he's not then he's using the information to manipulate me. This opinion based of course on the behavior exhibited by H during our marriage (the withholding, pulling back). "he's lied to you before by keeping things from you, who's to say he's not lying now?" actually came out of his mouth.

No wonder people don't speak up when they risk facIng that sort of BS. People seem to think male CSA doesn't happen. It's unbelievable quite frankly. And yes I did challenge this crap at the time.

Needless to say I won't be going back there.

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#407449 - 08/21/12 05:18 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Sad but true..
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407678 - 08/23/12 04:48 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hi northern,

It's been really something to read these posts over the past few days. I've been on this site for a few months, but almost exclusively in the male survivor forum, mostly because I'm a male survivor and those are my people.

But I figured I'd read a few of these "family" posts, because I wanted some perspective on my wife, who I love dearly, and who has been having a tough time lately when it comes to trust. I'm not cheating on her, but I did, and I know that one thing the liar sacrifices with his lies is his own credibility. So....

So I ended up reading your posts and comments. I feel for you, deeply. You're in a tough spot. I obviously don't know your husband, or anything other than what you've written about your situation, but here are some thoughts, for what they're worth.

In my experience, emotional honesty and emotional lies are at the heart of the problems that resulted from my abuse. To give you a brief version, I was molested/raped/blah blah by a neighbor's baby sitter when I was 12. Here's the fucked up part. He said it was fun. It wasn't. He said it was practice for women. Whatever. It was terrifying. It was brutal. It hurt like hell. And because of my shame, I was afraid to tell anyone. My mom was one of those people who could explain away crappy feelings and can't accept anything "negative," so she didn't put two and two together. What I mean is that I started typical acting out behavior. I smoked pot and drank at an incredibly young age. I stole shit. I got into fights. I was obsessed with sex. I was suicidal and depressed.

But mostly, I learned to distance myself from my emotions. And I learned to use emotions to get sex and affection, although I discounted anyone who loved me.

I'm telling you this, because it could be that your drive to help your husband may playing into your husband's problems. Now, I want to take a step back, here, and tell you something really important. When we talk about sex and relationships here, we need to be cold and clear-eyed, not moralistic. That might be hard, but it will help to understand things.

In my opinion, people become slutty (men and women) when they or someone else tramples their boundaries. Period. It's not because they're bad people. People lie because they're instinctively hiding something, or maintaining distance between the truth and the spoken word. I used to constantly tell the damnedest lies, and I'd wonder WHY WHY WHY? And I beat myself up about it. I'd call myself a sick fucking liar. I'd cuss myself out. But that's because I wanted to feel ashamed. As I've explained in other posts, I've learned from my therapist that shame, for me, was a way for me to gain control over the chaotic pain that had come into my life. If I blamed myself, well, the pain couldn't have been random, right? And if it wasn't random, it was maybe controllable. And finally, I was terribly ignorant about my own emotions. I have had to develop a language for talking about myself honestly.

My point is that your husband might well be lying, not because he's a bad man, but because for those of us who've lived with the terrible secret of abuse the truth is tied up with shame, self-loathing (and I mean really, really deep and profound self-loathing), incredible pain and decades of bad habits.

I managed to get through the first hard layers of my lies because the idea of losing my wife and family was more painful than keeping those horrid secrets.

But for me, it was different. My wife wouldn't let me leave. I expected that she would. She told me to stay in the house if I wanted to stay a part of her life. I was terrified to stay. But by persevering with my wife and with TONS of therapy, I began to connect my emotions to the real events of my life, and what a freeing thing that has been. It's been wonderful. But I tell you, it's still very difficult for me to avoid the easy path wherein I lie about my emotions, outwardly express feelings about something that might seem important but isn't, and then remain removed and cool in my interior.

That may well be what your husband is doing. You can't control him. You can only control yourself.

Plus, nobody knows the future. Your husband didn't when he married you. I doubt he believed that he'd stay remote from you. He probably didn't know how else to be. Maybe he still doesn't. It sort of sounds like it, especially if he's still sort of fucking around with the affair woman. I mean, that's just not healthy for him. He needs to start respecting himself and his own boundaries. What the hell is he saying to her when he's with her? That he's still talking to you but that it's going nowhere?

This dude could very well have all sorts of random narratives running through his life. He'll be a happier man when he sorts them out, chooses the life he wants to live, and then maintains one "self" everywhere he goes and with everyone he meets.

Good luck. I sure feel for you. Don't ever hurt yourself. I am suddenly recalling that you said something about feeling suicidal above.

If you remember one thing, make it this: emotions are like clouds, they pass. And things will get better. It will get better.

Take care. Bob

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#407699 - 08/23/12 06:12 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Bob, there are no words to express my gratitude for everything you have said here and on my other post. I can only begin to imagine how difficult a road it is for survivors.

I will read this and the other posts people have been kind and generous enough to leave over and over in the hope that I can understand.

This is still new to me but I do believe I will come to a place of peace in tome time.

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#408112 - 08/27/12 04:15 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Good luck, northernflicker. I'm having one of my shittier days. It is hard, isn't it? Damn it.

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#408113 - 08/27/12 04:15 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I could use some kind thoughts, if you have a few to throw my way.

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#408130 - 08/27/12 06:42 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Bob, I am sorry to hear that you're having one of your shittier days, but am more than happy to throw some kind words your way. I wish I had seen your post earlier and hope you find these words here.

Because of things you have said here, to me specifically and also to others, I really, truly am at peace. I have the missing piece of the puzzle now and can see exactly where it fits in all its magnitude. Because of your openness, your insight and your willingness to share for the betterment of so very many people I feel I have grown to know and understand my husband more this week than in the time we were together. It takes a good man to step up in such a way.

Life gives us peaks and valleys, and it is from the strength gained in the peaks that we move through the valleys. There does come a time when the valleys are not so deep, or maybe they're just as deep but we're more equipped to deal with them.

Life is beautiful. It truly is. I don't think I've written that anywhere before, but in this moment I really do believe it. For a group of people to come together in a place like this is unbelievable to me. And you, Bob, are one of the pieces that make it what it is for folks like me who were adrift in rough waters. Makes you really stinkin' special, Bob, and in great company.

I do hope the day is less shitty than it was, and that tomorrow is fantastic.

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#408147 - 08/27/12 08:45 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Well it appears I did something right. I heard from my husband today. I knew that I would eventually but figured it would be at least six weeks and probably a couple of months.

He emailed today wanting to bring me a pike (amazing smoked!) if he gets one on the weekend (he is an amazing fisherman!). I'm out of town this weekend (anniversary of our split....there's no way I'm staying in town!) so he's going to freeze the pike and bring it to me another time. We're making plans to go out in the boat fishing for the day in the next couple of weeks.

I don't know if he'll open up more to me but I'll listen if he does. His place of peace is on a boat in the middle of a lake. He loves our boat, I guess his boat now. I miss it.

I know without a doubt from the wise folks here that he MUST heal himself in his own time.

I'll take this as a sign that he trusts or is learning to trust me, and that is huge progress.

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