I am a 41 year old man who on the face of it is happily married for 10 years, with 3 great kids (6, 5 & 3) who I adore and love to play with. I dote on my wife who has been sick for the past year or so, but I take care of her, hug her as often as I can, bring her breakfast in bed and we hold hands while walking down the street.
But the idyllic picture belies the double life I have lead.
For the past 15 years I have been a sexual deviant. I have picked up so many guys on the Internet and toilets I can't count them any more. I have a smoking fetish. I smoke in secret and masturbate at the same time. I also have a piercing fetish.
About 2 years ago I suddenly remembered that I was abused when I was about 10 by the father of my best friend. Shortly after that I started taking anti-depressants.
I've been in therapy for 7 or 8 months now and slowly the memories are starting to come back and the blanks are being filled in. My wife knows that I was abused but doesn't understand what I'm going through.
Last week she took the kids off for a holiday so I could spend some time alone with myself to work through the issues without distraction. I ended up buying 2g of cocaine, having risky sex with 2 guys, got my tongue and nipples pierced, painting some very disturbing pictures and came close to driving my car into the sea.
But for the sake of my kids, life MUST continue. Suicide would just amplify the damage done by the bastard to abused me.
When my wife returned, I tried showing her the pictures I drew and wanted to talk to her more, but she can't cope with the images or the evil and ran out of the room. I envy her innocence, but feel terribly alone.
I'm terrified that I'll loose her and the kids. I've done such terrible things that she could get a divorce without any contest. I want to talk to her, but can't tell her the whole picture without risking everything I hold so dear.
That's my story.
Does anyone have similar experiences?