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#383923 - 01/31/12 09:39 AM Re: IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1610
Keith--I am happy for you and your wife--it is great to recognize perfection is an ideal and none of us will ever achieve. CSA has controlled me for so long-like I was two people--looking for what everyone looks for--love, happiness, joy and companionship and the other person who was controlled and defined by the CSA--why I did certain things I will never truly understand but accept they happened (as I continue to unravel my lost time)to fill a void, a need to control what happened--falsely thinking if I could recreate and control the acts I would erase the pain and hurt of the sexual abuse. It does not work because I now know I need to let go of the shame of CSA and not allow the abuser to continue to control my thoughts,actions and life. I am worthy of a good life. It is hard because the pain and memories are vivid.I learned at a young age not to trust and was confused as to why my body reacted to what he did to me and what he made me do to him. I was too young to understand the sexualization of CSA and it has confused me as to who I am since the locked memories took over five years ago.

CSA unfortunately seems to be defining me by a few people. Other friends, supporters and those who truly care see who I truly am--I am thankful for those people. I will continue to heal and my goal is to overcome the effects of CSA and other torments so I can have a good life. I have learned there will always be people who want you to fail so they can say I told you so--you are worthless--it seems they derive pleasure out of others hurts and pain--I guess it helps them to mask their own shortcomings, destructive actions and allows them to believe, falsely, they are better. They will create a life for themselves that is full of hurt and pain, because once down that path--they knock off one person, who will be next in the line of their fire.

It has taken me months to get to this point that it is me that needs to heal and I cannot let others destroy or hinder my healing--no matter how hard they try. In the end I know I will smile and have a good life and hopefully with a caring and loving woman at my side--where together we support each other, listen, cherish and respect and yes, and acknowledge our own weaknesses and mistakes.

Support is what everyone truly needs to heal. Without true love, laughter and joy in life we will have allowed our abusers to control and destroy our entire existence. Enough as my doctor says--you deserve good tomorrows-damn it she is right and I am going to have them.

This weekend I have an annual basketball gathering with college friends. I have told one of them what has happened and has been very supportive. The game and hopefully a victory for our team, then a dinner and breakfast the next day. It will be a great weekend. And of course Sunday with a Superbowl Party will give me time to be with friends and have laughter and joy. So I value supporters and friends.

So everyone should look to those who know how to be there for you--silence, a smile, a caring voice, a gentle touch. We all deserve it--I now know I deserve it.

Keep healing everyone--for our tomorrows should be bright and full of promise.



Edited by KMCINVA (01/31/12 10:13 AM)

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#383981 - 01/31/12 07:21 PM Re: IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: KMCINVA]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Kevin thanks but I don't think of my wife and I as lucky. We work hard like any couple to support each other and balance each others aches and pains.

And pal I'm no better at this than anyone else. But I have found it gets better because I demand that from life and because of the love around me at home and the love I get from a small very special group of friends here at MS.

I wish everyone even more than that .

Be well.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#384519 - 02/05/12 11:09 PM Re: IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
It does get bettter when you live a relatinship as a partnership, with trust and compromise. That compromise made me the new "dad" of a pet hedghog this weekend...I didn't really want a new pet, but the smiles from my wife an daughter were worth it...and to be able to give love to a creature is pretty cool, and makes one smile....I am enjoying her, and I believe she likes me laugh shhhhh, dont tell anybody.

So...It does get better, but like keith said above it's not luck so much as realy hard work. Compromise and balance is so crutial and can totally change things...The effort is worth it, from and for both parties.

Luck is winning the superbowl pool....TY laugh WOOT WOOT!

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#384687 - 02/07/12 10:34 AM IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: Castle]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Hedge Hog today Castle, Collie tomorrow. It get's better when you watch how your kids grow through the love of their dogs. One of my favorite memories was watching our oldest pick his dog from a liter of 6 and bring her home to his sisters.

Simple stuff like that can be so healing.

And yeah we can heal. I keep seeing it all over this place. So many good men making strides, rejecting the BS, refusing to be stuck, finding jobs, love, friendship, peace & hapiness.

So many good men coaching and encouraging each other here too.

My plan is to live a decent full life. In the end I'm sure what people will recall is that I was a good friend, a decent boss, a loving dad and husband, hopefully one day a super grand dad too.

It's a long time before the obit may be written, or the tombstone etched. But who the F*ck thinks it will mention I survived CSA? Ain't gonna happen gents.

It gets better because we want it to, and because we work towards that goal every day.

Be well all......


_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#386167 - 02/17/12 09:08 AM IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
It gets better when you realize that you are not alone in believing that it can get better.

I know for some this is a huge battle. But like any other thing we have to fight for in life you and I can do it.

I know the pain is real. But many of us have known physical pain and know that subsides and goes away with time and care.

All things in life can get better I find. Sure new challenges crop up along the way, but we deal with them and keep moving. CSA and ASA canít be an exception.

Donít let yourself feel broken. We are not. Donít let yourself think you can not heal. We can.

Not a day goes by that I do not remember I am a survivor. Not a day goes by that I do not and reach out and connect with that small group of true friends I have made here to be sure they are ok, to let them each remind me that I am ok as well. They are healing, I am healing. You can too.

Maybe it just starts with believing that is does get better, but I really am feeling a greater level of peace than I have known in years. I am pretty sure I will need to do that every day, and I and my fellow survivors will do just that.

Be well all,

Keith


_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#386520 - 02/20/12 01:31 PM IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
It gets better when you see people around you doing good caring things.

This weekend students at Penn State danced for 46 hours to fight pediatric cancer. Their THON raised $10.6m:

http://www.thon.org/

We don't take credit for the good people our oldest 2 kids are becoming. That's inside of them both really. But it is proof to me it does get better in so many ways.

I am just like each of you men here. Look around you and see what I see this week. Peace....


_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#387507 - 02/27/12 01:57 PM IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808

Sometimes its getter if you take a break from reading too much here @ MS.

The forums are a great place to vent at times, but you have to stay balanced, not see each concern raised as applying to us all, and most of all you need to stay positive and focus on healing, not living with the pain of the past.

We heal as we feel it, or stay stuck as we let ourself be stuck. There is no bright line to cross over to tell us we are healed, no award given out when we get there.

Healing to me is about finding peace. As I say each week I am bonded very tightly with a few men I met at MS who may let me speak, but agree we are doing it together. We listen to each others concerns, reinforce all the good we each have, and are always there for one another. Our goal has been simple and it is your goal too. We have become true survivors.

I am not a victim anymore. Iím not alone but in very good company with men of 20, 35, 45 who have worked hard with me to find peace and hapiness.

It ainít perfect. Some days those dumb old feelings creep in. But everytime my MS family kick me hard to clear my mind and move ahead.

Think positive, believe in recovery, believe in yourself, your friends, your family, your loved ones, and your family here.

Simply said, I wanted it to get better, I found others who believe, and together we have found it really does get better.


_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#387534 - 02/27/12 06:01 PM Re: IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1610


Well said Keith--finding that inner peace was the hardest, at least for me. It was then I began to accepted the abuse and accept I cannot change or hide from it--it is part of who I am. You are learning to live with what happened and no longer holding yourself responsible for the actions of others. It takes time and patience, but when you find some peace, life looks brighter and happier. You are stronger to handle those days when the pain, visions, sensations of the abuse with all the memories of the past creep into your thoughts or dreams.

I have followed the advise of many here--think positive and value yourself. So everyone here, we are healing together. Keep going!!!!


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#387670 - 02/28/12 07:20 PM Re: IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: KMCINVA]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Right on Kevin.

I have several scars on my right hand I got as a kid. They are always with me and will be there till I'm gone. They did not keep me from graduating college, getting good jobs, finding love, having great kids.

If scars all can see don't make mess less a decent man I refuse to let scars that don't show ever do that to me.

My hand got better. So will the rest of me.

Be well all.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#387677 - 02/28/12 07:46 PM Re: IT DOES GET BETTER [Re: kb8715]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: kb8715
...They did not keep me from graduating college, getting good jobs, finding love, having great kids.

My hand got better. So will the rest of me.

Be well all.


kb, and all.

I am happy for you. Accomplishing the above is a great thing.

Physical scars do heal. I keep "working" at living.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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