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#408149 - 08/27/12 08:48 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Congrats and here is wishing you and him the best of luck.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#408164 - 08/28/12 01:06 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Sounds to me like your love for each other, even expressed as just friends, is rising out of the ashes already. I feel for you northern. There have been so many times when I have questioned my marriage because physical intimacy has been difficult for almost 8 years when our last child was conceived. I have accepted that we may never live as more than best friends and this has been a hard thing to accept, but it is still better than losing my best friend altogether.

I hope your day together on the boat is wonderful. I hope you find an easy place to just be together as people. I know I have had to remind myself at times to stop defining all our interactions by his csa. These experiences have effected him profoundly, but do not define him or define us. Sometimes I have to look for and grasp those special moments when we can truly just be together, quiet and comfortable. Those moments are among the most intimate we have ever had.

Enjoy the pike!
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#408177 - 08/28/12 02:29 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
dear northernflicker,
i am fairly new to this site, since my husband only suspects that he was abused and has just begun EMDR to approach it. as strange as it may seem, i enjoy reading your posts because they bring me peace. there seems to be so much peace, actual peace, in honesty. thank you for being so honest and thank you for sharing. the road ahead may not be easy and may be painful, but it's reassuring to know that it doesn't have to be isolated.

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#408197 - 08/28/12 09:56 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thanks northernflicker. I appreciate your words. It sounds like your husband is a man after my own heart. I love smoking fish, pig, beef, turkey, pretty much anything and everything. I'm going to check out for a few days or weeks. Sometimes all this stuff on here is a little overwhelming. I am feeling better today, though. Thanks again. Bob

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#408209 - 08/28/12 12:25 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Originally Posted By: northernflicker
So I've been reflecting back on this morning's session with a new therapist and it really pissed me off. He actually suggested that my husband might be lying and that if he's not then he's using the information to manipulate me. This opinion based of course on the behavior exhibited by H during our marriage (the withholding, pulling back). "he's lied to you before by keeping things from you, who's to say he's not lying now?" actually came out of his mouth.

No wonder people don't speak up when they risk facIng that sort of BS. People seem to think male CSA doesn't happen. It's unbelievable quite frankly. And yes I did challenge this crap at the time.

Needless to say I won't be going back there.

Having a hard time understanding the context of this conversation. Did the therapist say H is lying about abuse? Or did he infer that H could be lying about his motivations to reconcile with you? That's my take from the limited info. The therapist was challenging you to consider the fact the CSA survivors are manipulative. Not your husband, all of us are manipulative. We were used and manipulated ourselves, had boudaries destroyed. We become really good at doing it to others. That's the facts. I was not in the room so I did not get the exchange but I must say one thing about therapists.

It is good to hear a therapist challenge your perception. Too many of them sit there nodding and make soothing noises for an hour until its time to go. A good therapist will challenge your thinking once in a while. Even if the person is dead wrong, it's an honest attempt to find truth in a world of illusion. Reacting and getting angry and resolving your diagreement is also good. I am sorry you were so insulted. If there is no rapport with this person by all means quit going.

But I encourage you to allow yourself to be challenged and to push back in a positive way. That is actually really good therapy. Part of becoming a healthy person is standing up and making an assertive response not an emotional one. I hope you find a new therapist you can develop a healthy relationship with. Sometimes it takes two or three.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#408218 - 08/28/12 01:30 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Thanks for your thoughts scottyg.

Thanks to this site and you fine people I know now how manipulated I was on many fronts, and i really dont care for being coddled. This therapist was suggesting that my husband was lying about the abuse. While I want to be challenged in all of this and sort of questioned along to my own conclusions, one therapist saying "oh, honey, he's just not the man for you" without sddressing the fucked uppedness of his departure, and another saying "maybe the abuse happened but maybe he's lying so you'll continue to be nice" are both.....useless to me. I'm one of those annoying people who needs to understand wtf went on. Now things make sense. And yes I appreciate my perceptions being challenged, but when the challenger says your husband is lying about being abused I have to stop dead in my tracks. Who says that?

Everything I see here says to believe a survivor when he tells you, that it happens to boys, that the most important thing is to feel safe and believed, to be trusted. That is why I believe my husband. To me, questioning him and his tears is incredibly irresponsible.

I am nice in the sense that im no asshole or obsessive bitch bent on revenge because my marriage broke up, but i am also no doormat. The second I realized I was being played and he was having an affair I chucked him out. That was a boundary he could not cross. It was like an amputation. I wonder if I raised the bottom for him.

After that it was wtf? Trying to understand who leaves a really, really good life with no fore warning? Someone who says hes sorry for hiding from me, as it turnd out initially, and someone who gets in a relationship and after a short period looks for stupid reasons to leave, as it turned out Last week.

I've always treated him with kindness, love and respect because it was the high road. I need to live with myself. His door has opened a wee crack every few months over the past year to the point where he could face his fear and tell me. That's huge, and now is the time for me to be still, continue doing what I've been doing, and through that let him know that it's ok to deal with this.

There has been no discussion of reconciliation. In fact, each time I see my husband he says that he just wants me to move on and be happy. And then he asks to come see me again. Well I am most certainly happy (apart from the pain in the ass that is finding a new job - the icing on the cake of this stellar year!) and I have moved on in the sense that I wouldn't have him back without him taking the initiative to do the work that he alone needs to do. He seems to expect me to pop into a relationship as easily and readily as he does. But that ain't me. And now I have the missing piece of information that he could or would not share throughout our marriage. And that information is the shield that keeps me from getting sucked into the vortex of misery that is marital abandonment. I have wondered "why now?" and "what next?" but no longer do. This just is, and it's not about me. I have learned patience in abundance this past year.

His CSA is not even two weeks old to me, although I did begin to suspect something when he talked a couple of months ago about needing to heal the inner child. Where to from here? Who knows, but I'm not prepared to just chuck out someone who I know is a rock solid human being because some therapist whose never met the man says he might be lying. Not anyone here in any way suggested that!

I did get the name of another therapist who has a tremendous amount of experience with male CSA. I haven't called yet because I really am at peace right now. If my husband starts to tell me more of his story I wil book an appointment. To be honest this site has helped me tremendously. People like you, scottyg, and robert1000 and country and eposa and others whose names don't come immediately to mind, with your honesty and straight forward insight and advice, challenging us to challenge ourselves, have taken me to a place of understanding what happened. I hate that a place like this has to exist but I'm glad that it does, if that makes sense.

Thanks again, and sorry for the completely excessive response!

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#408222 - 08/28/12 02:07 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Okey-dokey. You're ok... I'm sorta ok! One never knows the circumstances behind the comments but you paint the picture of a strong and capable woman. Don't know if you even need therapy anymore. Seem pretty grounded to me.

I will gift you with one last insight. When husband says move on be happy then asks to see you again he is communicating the desire to reconcile in some way because he still needs you. His mixed message comes from his shame over his actions, over his past, over his current inability to be a healthy and equal partner. He may not forgive himself so he cannot imagine that YOU will ever forgive him. Robert has written so masterfully on these topics. So with a heart full of shame and self-loathing he tells the only woman he loves to go away so as to save you from being shackled to his pain.

At the same time he wants to draw you in because you are probably the only healthy and supportive thing in his life. Flings with new girlfriends are a diversion from the pain but clearly none are as deep as you. It's tough for you because you need to have your own life and not become an emotional yo-yo. As you see each other and rebuild the trust it may become advantageous to raise the expectation that he gets real help. If he can see he has a true supporter in his life perhaps he can also see that he has the power to change his own future.

-SG
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#409826 - 09/11/12 10:33 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
I have an appointment tomorrow with a new therapist who specializes in male CSA, including the impact on relationships. If it goes well and depending on what he says and any feedback I get here I'm thinking about inviting my husband to go with me sometime. I thought about inviting him to the first appointment but decided I need to go for me first.

On another note, he has yet to follow through on bringing the tools by or confirming fishing this weekend. The "one night next week" for dropping off the tools slipped by and then it was "on the weekend", which also slipped by. I absolutely refuse to contact him about it because he needs to follow through on his *promises*, minor though this might be. Last time we went fishing at his suggestion i had to do all the work in setting it up. Not this time. Why suggest things if you have no intention of doing them?

I don't know if he's trying to ignore me or send me a message or if he's crawled into a hole somewhere. He did say when he told me about his CSA that he was lower than he'd ever been.

I'm letting go of all of it and will get the tools elsewhere and make other plans for this weekend. Super happy to have that appointment tomorrow.

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#409834 - 09/11/12 12:50 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Whew. Northernflicker. You're in a tough spot. But you're doing the right thing. Keep going. Keep searching for peace, even if you can just grab it for a moment. Keep healing. You're strong. You can build the life you want and need. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for being here. You can suggest that your husband come here to read or share stories of his own life. He might be glad to know that he's not alone. He can be perfectly anonymous. I hope he does. Please tell him that my thoughts and prayers are with him.

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#409841 - 09/11/12 01:43 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Thanks Bob. I have drafted an email to him about him needing to deal with this and me needing to let go, inviting him to come here, to read The Mike Lew book (he has my copy of Silent Sons now, which he seemed prepared to read), to come to a therapy appointment with me. But I haven't hit send yet. I'm going to run it by the therapist tomorrow. In fact, i'd be honored if you would maybe take a look but understand fully if you'd rather not.

I think this is all pretty intense for him actually. At one point that day when we were talking about it he was sitting and I standing just in front of him. I said something innocuous (or so I thought...can't remember what specifically) and he suddenly grabbed my wrists. I stopped talking and we just looked at each other for about half a minute, he still holding my wrists. "I thought you were going to slap me" he said. Why on earth would you think that, I asked. To which he responded "maybe I think I need to be slapped." He then let go of my wrists and did up the zipper on my sweatshirt much like a parent would their child's. it's heart breaking.

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