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#407972 - 08/26/12 08:49 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
That is great news Lee smile!
Just take care of yourself in such environment, I'm speaking from my own shoes.
Sometimes is too easy for me to to become available ear for everyone's problems. It is easy for me forget to care for my self...
Keep sharing with us!
Pero
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#408075 - 08/27/12 08:05 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
OK so now after having time to process the weekend and debrief with my wife. I'm angry. At them and myself. I can't believe I let them make me feel like what they did to me growing up wasn't that bad and I just made too big a deal about it all. I was back in the mind set that this is just what happens to everyone and it is all part of growing up. Especially when I saw both my brothers being all buddy buddy. (I am sure that my half brother abused my older brother as well in some way) (my older brother also engaged in sexual play/talk with me a couple of times and I'm still trying to work out if that was abuse too)

I'm especially mad that they all felt that they had the right to be miserable when I'm the one that was the victim of their abuse. They made me feel like I'm not as broken as them because I seem happy, people like me and I have friends (something they all struggle with). This is obviously not true - on the inside I am a mess and I don't know how long I can hold it all together for.

When talking to my wife I shared with her that my half brother wasn't the only one to abuse me - but was the first (the first time I told her there was others). I told her about how when I was 9, my cousin's boyfriend (15 years older)(the first time I met him) was nice to me and took my brother and me to the beach alone. I just assumed that he was taking us away to have sex with us and when nothing happened I thought that I must not have been to his liking and was amazed and confused. I remember that he wasn't very good looking and had a small penis (we showered after swimming - nothing sexual). I don't think I had seen a flacid adult penis before then. Afterwards I felt dirty for wanting something to happen. As far as I know today he is a good christian man and policeman.

I think that memory says a lot about my childhood. I still love them and feel like if we deal with the past maybe they could start to feel joy. Maybe we could have a real relationship instead of just going through the motions. They are all Christians (even my half brother) and surely must feel bad about what they did to me (if they even realise - of course).

I don't know.
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#408076 - 08/27/12 08:31 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Hi Lee,
no wonder that you are messed up since you were youngest and was growing up in such dysfunctional family.
You should not be too hard on yourself, we all do wrong choices and crazy things sometime.

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#408093 - 08/27/12 01:53 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Farmer ,
My heart goes out to you over this situation. I commend you on coming here and posting your feelings. It is a huge step and will help you. You sated that they were Christians and they must feel bad, but what makes you say or think this? Have you forgiven them for what they did?
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#408119 - 08/27/12 04:42 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
It is hard to say whether anyone is 'really' a christian but they all go to church and I know that my dad and full brother read their bible and do a devotional. Their attitudes sometimes would lead you to think the opposite...Surely the Holy Spirit would make them feel convicted.

I thought I had forgiven them completely but after starting counselling I have realised that I'm probably still working on it. When I got married I asked both my brothers to be groom's men. At the time I thought that it was a sign that I had forgiven them, but now I realise that it was probably more about keeping up appearances.
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More than meets the eye!

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#408121 - 08/27/12 05:10 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Understood bro. I will pray for you friend
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#408634 - 09/01/12 09:36 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Moved to Male Survivor Forum


Edited by Farmer Boy (09/02/12 07:18 AM)
Edit Reason: Not appropriate Here
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#408638 - 09/01/12 10:22 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee,
I'm sorry that are struggling with some temptations. Please try to calm yourself and ground yourself. Don't be hard on yourself, you are normal, many of us have some struggles and it is difficult battle sometimes.
I learn that I have to stay in reality at any cost, well easier to say than to do it. Trigger that catapult me in numbing and escaping from reality are always some very negative feelings like: helpless, rejection, loneliness, stress etc. Sometimes I can't handle those feelings and than I easily find escape fto world of gay porn.
Good thing is that I can feel when pressure is building inside me, so I "know" somehow when I'll go down.
I'm working now on ways to avoid it completely even I've been just partly successful. It is not easy but if we don't work hard it will not stop by itself frown
Maybe you could repost this to other part of broad, this is " introduction" part - reserved for welcoming new members and maybe you could get more responses if you post it for example in Male survivors part?
Here is hug for you (((Lee)))
Hang on!

Pero
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