Newest Members
0128, jeremywickers, JScott12, TMatti2, DaiseyLady
12502 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
asdude1981 (33), Avery46 (51), hans32 (46), jean-noel (49), Kirk (59), Kirk Wayne (59), Mechanical (21), OldTrafford (50)
Who's Online
3 registered (I Want 2 Thrive, Obi, 1 invisible), 25 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12502 Members
74 Forums
64193 Topics
447964 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#40790 - 02/04/03 11:39 PM New Member
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Hello all,

Just posting to introduce myself. Like all of you here I was abused while I was a kid, and I am currently just coming to grips with all that this entails. I suppose that I am fairly lucky that I am beginning to come to grips with this while I am fairly young (24), but it sure doesn't seem that way sometimes.

I was abused by an older kid when I was eight (he was about 15) at the home of my mothers friend who frequently watched me while my mother was away at work. I don't recall exactly how long this went on, the memories of that time are a bit hazy, but probably not more than a year or so. Eventually the friends father died, and my mom's friend could no longer watch me, so it ended.

I didn't even begin to realize the entierity of what had happened until years later, and it was years later still that I was able to admit it to myself, let alone someone else.

During that time depression, anger problems, and even suicide attempt were highly common, and I never realized how hard it must have been to be my friend during that time. All they knew was that I was depressed and suicidal and not why.

When I was in college I finally came across a couple of books about male survivors. That coupled by another serious bout of depression in which all of my friends were concerened enough to arrive at my room en masse to make sure I didn't hurt myself made me realize that I should take advantage of the schools counciling services.
Going there was arguably the hardest thing I have ever done, but looking back I am so glad that I did it.

This was only a year or so ago and I am currently a graduate student at the same school so I am still seeing the therapist. Apparently it is showing some good. At my last session I realized that I have finally begun to move past the point where I blamed myself for the abuse.

I suppose I am rather lucky, my abuse and the afterafects aren't nearly as bad as some here, but I still wanted to thank you all for your bravery to write about your experiences becuase reading them really has helped me to realize that I am not alone.

I also wanted to thank the creators and moderators of this site. I have been lurking here for a couple of days, and reading about the struggles of the people brave enough to post about them has helped me tremendously. Several have even brought tears to my eyes, which sais quite a bit considering that I have emotionally shut myself off for sixteen years (uless anger and full out rage count.) \:\)

Thank you all for helping a lost soul feel a little less alone.


Top
#40791 - 02/04/03 11:47 PM Re: New Member
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
ECB
Welcome. I am sorry for what brought you here; and I am speaking for everyone but I know you are in the right place. Do not think that your experience was any less than any other. It was your personal hell and you were robbed of a childhood that is the right of every child. For that the perp should roast in Hell. You are very brave at 24 to be doing what you are. It shows, I think , a tremendous amount of courage to acknowledge to another that some guy messed you up. I think that what you are doing clearly represents the qualities of a MAN. Read the post on that subject. Feel free to express yourself and be involved. It will all help.
I hope that all the bumps in the road get smoother and smoother.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#40792 - 02/05/03 01:06 AM Re: New Member
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thank you, ECB.

There is enormous truth and power here, and you have now added to both.

I am sorry you need this place, but I am truly happy that you had that fantastic support of those friends who arrived en masse to protect you.

Don't ever forget that their actions were a reflection of your own worth and goodness and importance.

Welcome.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

Top
#40793 - 02/05/03 01:25 AM Re: New Member
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
ECB,
Welcome to the site. After I read your post I saw a lot of myself in your words. I, too, am 24 and recently graduated from college. I remember when my life crumbled out from underneath me and my friends were so concerned. Unfortunately I was unable to tell them what was going on with me. I finally saw a councelor in my last year, which stabilized my emotional state but it left much to be worked through. As graduation approached I had every intention to go to graduate school. Though, I made a last minute decision and I put it off. I realized that one of my primary reasons to go was that I was using school as a way of avoiding my problems. I'll go back but I'll do it when I'm healthier. Take care of yourself because I know how strenuous graduate school and recovery work can be. And by the way, this place ain't bad. Just a bunch of old farts (yea I know, I used that saying before) but they're wise old farts.
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

Top
#40794 - 02/05/03 10:05 AM Re: New Member
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Ecb:

Welcome to the brotherhood of Male Survivors.

Somewhat like yourself, I've been in recovery for actually about 18 months, and have just recently gotten to the point of not blaming myself for being abused, thruout my childhood.

Unlike yourself, it took me about 35 years & 10 years of therapy to get to that point. Yeah, I'm one of those old farts Sleepy Mike likes to refer to! \:o \:\)

Hey Sleepy:


Oohhhh, a wiise guy, aye?!

Quote:
I also wanted to thank the creators and moderators of this site. I have been lurking here for a couple of days, and reading about the struggles of the people brave enough to post about them has helped me tremendously. Several have even brought tears to my eyes, which sais quite a bit considering that I have emotionally shut myself off for sixteen years (uless anger and full out rage count.) \:\)

Thank you all for helping a lost soul feel a little less alone.
Ecb, I have shut myself off emotionally, and/or became very stunted in my growth emotionally, from very early childhood. Only recently am I, with the recent start to the release of my inner child, beginning to again grow somewhat normally emotionally. Only recently am I beginning to not just toss out emotions, but really feel (re: the recent thread of posts "Emotions Without Feeling")

I relate to shutting off emotions except anger & rage. This is from an older but excellent book, "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" by Steven Farmer:

"You have learned to shut down your emotions if they get too intense, for in the past any intensity was punished in some way." (P 38).

"As an Adult Child, you either express anger freely or you try hard to avoid feeeling or expressing any anger because it's so intimidating.
The problem is that there is no such thing as unexpressed anger..." (P 38).

"You have been trained to feel helpless...Closely associated with this sense is an unconscious anger, a deep rage. This is the helpless rage of an infant whose needs are not met. One way you express this anger is by striking out verbally or even physically at people or things around you." (P 41).

"You're not a child anymore, but you continue to be a Rebel. For example, anger was the one emotion you allowed yourself to express as a child...Your anger masks your vulnerability. Your standard operating procedure is "the best defense is a good offense."" (P 72).

Ecb if any of that helps you, good; it all applies to me, very much.

By the way, I'll very soon be posting more from this excellent book, on "psychic numbing" in particular, in the Books forum.

Ecb, you are surely not alone. Welcome home, lost soul...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#40795 - 02/05/03 05:03 PM Re: New Member
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
SWelcome ECB,

It is refreshing to read your post. I am happy that you are getting over blaming yourself. For some of us that takes many years. Why we blame ourselves for the bad behavior of someone else I do not know.

I sure know what it is to have felt anger and depression and been hard to live with. I feel badly that I snapped at people a lot and was so sarcastic and critical of others. They are common traits but still, I feel bad for the poor people who were on the receiving end.

You have a positive attitude ECB. I think it is great that you can learn to feel, recognize your feelings and I rejoice for and with you that you are young enough that you can have many years a head that will be happy and healthy ones for you. Sounds like you kow how to be a friend and how to let others be a freind to you.

You will have a lot to offer here. Your first post was a bit of sunshine already. Take care young brother--ENJOY!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

Top
#40796 - 02/05/03 08:02 PM Re: New Member
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Thank you all for your support and kind words. I should have expected no less, but I tend to never make any expectations about anything.

I still have quite a lot of difficulty expressing my emotions, even in written form on an anyonymous board. \:\) So forgive me if I'm rather silent.

Sleepy Mike, also I was reluctant to get into grad school right away beause I have a tendency to bury myself in my work and whatever other responsibilites that I have to the exclusion of facing my own personal problems, (much like you by the sounds of it) but the opportunity was presant and I dindn't want to pass it by. Thank you for your kind words, and its nice to know it's not all old farts. \:\)

Victor, thank you for the quotes, nearly every damn one of them apply. I'll have to check out the books section, when I have time to read something other than text books.

Thank you again everyone. Today's a good day.


Top
#40797 - 02/05/03 09:52 PM Re: New Member
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thats ok. It is enough to know that you are reading and trying to find commonality with what you experienced. Remember it was WRONG and that you are not to blame NO MATTER WHAT. You say you tend to bury yourself in work and responsibilities. Remeber that the most important person in your life is YOU. Take the time to at least smell some roses. Go ahead be selfish. It is a good thing for us to be that way. For too long we pushed feeding our soul to the background. In my case it was because I did not feel I was worth the effort. I still have trouble with that. But you know as I sit here and respond I feel like I am taking therapy myself. When you feel ready to ask for assistance, seek input pr to help other work through something it will happen. In the meantime knowing you are there is a comfort to us all.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
#40798 - 02/08/03 03:30 PM Re: New Member
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Mike,

Being selfish is something that I am incredibly bad at. I am there in a heartbeat for any of my friends, but when I need help I have such a hard time asking for it. I have the need to present my self as totally indipentant and strong.

You say that it is like you feel you are not worth the effort. That totally hits the nail on the head with me. There are so many people having a hard time in life, who the hell am I to demand a little time for myself. People have other problems, so I should just shut up and get on with my life.

Sorry, just venting a little.

Thanks man,


Top
#40799 - 02/08/03 05:45 PM Re: New Member
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Ecb. It is great that you can vent and feel safe doing it. We all have the trait of being quick to jump to help and when there is nothing we can do we feel that we are useless. Think about it. We were useful to our perps and we had their undivided attention. That usefulness totally screwed us up because of what it entailed. We desperately try to help others to prove that we are of some use other than a sex object etc. I volunteer for everything and get run down in the process. Try what I do now. Before I jump I think to myself why am I doing this. If it is to confirm my selfworth that does seem to be a bit selfish. I am not doing it for others but for myself. So then I say to myself. Screw it I dont have to do that and if they already can do it with others or I have not the expertise in the particular situation then I dont do it. By selfish about yourself I mean that I try to do things that will help me heal and not to confirm my manliness or concern or whatever other stupid thing flys through my head. I find that when I do this I do take the time to think. So often in life any responses I have made to requirements of fitting in and day to day life is to try the above and not to heal. I find it is a slippery road and as it gets steeper I revert to the hunger for violence and being debased, because that is what I deserve. Ecb try it next time. Even if it is just a hesitation to ask yourself Why am I doing this.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.