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#407884 - 08/25/12 12:24 PM Expectations & Rasing the Bottom
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
I talked with my sponsor about being hurt by my ex here recently, and she brought up that my own expectations have let me down. Theoretically, I agree. In practice, I'm confused a bit.

How does one manage their expectations, especially with regard to a Survivor?

I'm also interested in hear more about "Rasing the bottom".

I know I'm not perfect, but I cant seem to shake the idea that I have to give up expectations.

Thoughts, anyone? :: cough :: Scotty? Martin? :: cough ::

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#407885 - 08/25/12 12:55 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.

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#407893 - 08/25/12 02:34 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Um, ditto all the above....

Gentlemen...?

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#407896 - 08/25/12 02:46 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
the only thing i can say about expectations, and this applies to everyone not just survivors and supporters here on ms....

be prepared to be disappointed....



anyone can have their expectations... we all have them, in many forms of our daily lives...

i expect to get the meal that i ordered, and paid for, when i go to a restaurant... etc...

but as with everything, there will always be a time when our expecations do not get met..

you also can't expect a fish to climb a tree... that would 1. be unrealistic expectations and 2. would make a smart fish feel incredibly stupid ( used as an analogy )

so.. that still leaves the question that was originally asked...


the reality is not, to have, or not have expectations.... however, it's more in how we deal with the results from the expectations we place on others....

we can praise them when they accomplish the expecations... and when the expectations aren't met, we do our best to support instead of being frustrated and irate... not an easy thing to do, i will admit....

but like i said.. no matter how many expectations we put on others, they will not all be met... it's part of being human..


Edited by Obi (08/25/12 03:00 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#407897 - 08/25/12 02:52 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Thanks, Obi...I can understand that...

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#407898 - 08/25/12 03:06 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
you're welcome.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#407906 - 08/25/12 05:33 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 686
Loc: NJ
I agree with Obi but I also think that sometimes we codependents get our expectations lowered further than we could ever imagine - and then we support a situation that is destructive without even realizing it.

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#407912 - 08/25/12 08:07 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
as a survivor, i find that expectations are one of the most difficult things for me. by "expectations" i mean unspoken standards that are desired - not clearly defined standards that are mutually understood. part of it is that so many times expectations are vague and unspoken. my wife and i are both disappointed or devastated when her expectations for me are not met or when mine for her are not met. but sometimes it is a fuzzy area - where neither of us has defined the expectation. if you haven't said what you want/expect - don't be surprised if you don't get it. some of my lowest times are when i have failed to meet an expectation - that i was totally aware of. then i feel guilty and inadequate and kick myself and wallow in blame and self-condemnation and then get angry about how i didn't know what the expectation was - so how could i read her mind - and that distances us farther... and sometimes it is so unrealistic that there is no way i could ever live up to it. like - "act normal." or "think the same way about x as i do." so - communication is the beginning... sometimes that would clear up a lot of misunderstanding.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#407919 - 08/25/12 09:32 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I am a survivor and I will say this.... I know I am not one of the best at writing long and detailed replies so bare with me...

In my recovery I know that their are expectations that my wife has for me. As her husband it is important to me that I meet her expectations. First she is my friend and I meeting her expectations on that level?? Second she is my wife. I have already devastated my wife when I have the one night affair. I felt and still do feel shamed and devastated by my actions. It , to me is unforgivable, but somehow she forgave me. My T asked me the other day if I forgave myself for doing this to my wife and I looked at her like " are you crazy" and answered no. I think that every person has expectations and I think that when someone is going thru recovery what can be expected realistically?? That is more I an individual question I think. Everyone recovers differently. Take sickness and surgey for example. What level of surgery or sickness did they have ? As survivors we were abused differently. Some more some less. Some suffered severe brain trauma and some have physical trauma issues too. My father in law had a knee replacement and swears it was the worst thing ever. I spoke with another man who had both knees replaced and he said it was the best choice he ever made. One question I would like to ask is this one question. If your spouse has cancer in the brain what would be an expectation ?? To just heal or would it be more?? This to me is just like a brain disease. We have been distorted. In my case I choose to heal and recover and please God and my wife " no matter the cost". I hear some men say they can't sleep good at night , I hear some say that they can't go outside, I hear some say that they can't be intimate or have normal sex. These are all individual men with different issues but one constant issue is that the brain has been affected. For me, God has helped me as well as my wife. I said this to my T yesterday, " I am responsible for my actions and my abusers were co-conspirators also". But now I think that has changed since I faced this and have realized my faults and what the way I did things were because of my abuse. I don't know what my wife expects from me except to heal and get better. She is my partner. We are on te same team here going for the same goal and without her support WITH me I know that there is NO way I could have came this far. NO WAY. I just hope that one day I can be man that she can be proud of. I rambled and this probably don't make any sense to anyone. My mind just goes 90 to nothing sometime and I lose my thoughts. I hope you find the answers you need. I am on my iPhone and I am sorry for any typos. I do not proof read so sorry.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407932 - 08/25/12 11:49 PM Re: Expectations & Rasing the Bottom [Re: Haps]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
This was my status today on fb.... "Life is a journey, not a destination." Of this I need to remind myself so I can find patience and celebrate our small successes along the way. We will never be "done" or "complete" but always slowly growing... faster still if we shine light on one another instead of shrinking in the shadows of expectation.

This is what I learned from discussions here that I have read over the last two days. Already, being a part of MS has helped me to process and accept.

Thank you.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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