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#407634 - 08/23/12 09:56 AM Messed Up
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey
My name is Lee. I’m 35, Married to an amazing woman and Father of 2 awesome kids!

So I've been going to counselling for a couple of months to see why I have had Erectile Dysfunction off and on for as long as I can remember. And of course it stirred up a heap of ‘stuff’ that I thought I had already dealt with.

I have 1 full brother (4 years older) and 1 half brother who didn’t live with us (10 years older). My dad never really gave me the time of day and it was just sort of understood that I was my mum’s and my older full brother was dad’s. My dad actually said in his speech at my brothers 21st that has always been his favourite (and my dad doesn’t even drink) So as a kid I would be left at home with mum while my dad and brother/s would go to the farm. So I don’t know exactly how old I was when it started but I think I was 3-8 years old. My half brother sexually abused me and I thought wow a man is showing me some attention and finally I can be ‘one of the boys’. I remember feeling very hurt when it stopped. I told no one until I was 11 – but my parents did nothing – not even said anything to my brother. I became a very high achiever and performed lead roles in school plays but my dad never came to watch me or said well done.

Still desperate for male attention I became an easy target and was sexually abused by other boys/men at 5, 10-12 and 15-18. I liked it and I started to wonder if I was gay. I went through puberty very young and fast and had full grown man genitals by the time I was 11. I am good looking fellow and I became very promiscuous with girls trying to prove I was straight but never actually had penetrating sex ( I was a Christian and you aren’t supposed to have sex until marriage).

So I was a ‘good’ Christian boy, youth leader etc and had to keep up appearances so I turned to internet porn for male comfort. I became addicted to gay porn and masturbation. Met my wife, fell in love and got married. I told her about my brother. He rang and apologised to me. Started out ok but I soon got worried when I couldn’t perform in the bedroom. Went back to porn within the first year. Had kids. We moved to another state after 9 years of marriage and I was there by myself for a couple of months until things were settled. Anyway I didn’t know that it is called the ‘rainbow region’ and there were men everywhere how wanted to have sex with me. I felt anonymous in a new state and my wife wasn’t around so I started having sex with men. I thought 'well maybe my tackle only doesn’t work with a woman'. I was wrong. Still a Christian and very confused. So now I go into a huge pit of self hate. I love my wife but what have I done to her. What have I become…..

When I was baptised the minister gave me this verse: ‘Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.’ Joshua 1:9 . I’m still trying to make sense of it all and am terrified I will lose it all when I tell my wife what I have done.

To make it worse – this weekend is my mum’s 70th birthday and I will be going home for the party and HE will be there. I am feeling very angry right now at both my brothers and my dad. I had a bit of a breakdown today and couldn’t stop crying for an hour (I don't cry). I thought my head and chest were going to explode and I just wanted to smash stuff.

I am feeling ok now. I just hope I can make it through the weekend without losing it. It isn’t the time or the place.


_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#407636 - 08/23/12 10:32 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
((((((Lee))))))))

I am sorry this happened for you and your family. Welcome to our family brother.

Jim
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#407639 - 08/23/12 11:09 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
You're among friends who understand. We're sorry it happened, but we're glad you found us.

Here we are.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#407654 - 08/23/12 01:19 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I am sorry to hear this bro and you are not alone in the struggle


Edited by Country (08/23/12 01:20 PM)
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407675 - 08/23/12 03:49 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
ANDREW63 Offline


Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
G'Day Lee , WELCOME to MS , Mate remember you are never alone all of us here at Male Survivor are here for you .You are taking the right steps 1: seeing a counsellor and 2: starting to talk to the other guys on MS .I hope your ok this weekend at your mums'70th , take it easy , cheers ,Andrew....
_________________________
LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

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#407746 - 08/23/12 10:59 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
***My name is Lee. I’m 35, Married to an amazing woman and Father of 2 awesome kids!***

Hey, Lee - good to meet you - my name is Lee, too. i'm older than you - but have a lot in common. i'm married, too and have 3 awesome kids.

***So I've been going to counselling for a couple of months to see why I have had Erectile Dysfunction as long as I can remember. And of course it stirred up a heap of ‘stuff’ that I thought I had already dealt with.***

I've been in counseling since last Nov. and it stirred up more stuff that i could have imagined. my problem wasn't ED by hyper-sexual feelings brought on by the abuse memories. don't know which is worse.

***I have 1 full brother (4 years older) and 1 half brother who didn’t live with us (10 years older). My dad never really gave me the time of day and it was just sort of understood that I was my mum’s and my older full brother was dad’s.***

i have one full brother 3 years younger and 2 half-brothers 10 & 12 years younger. i too was ignored a lot by step-father - but not as much as i'd wished. he was the first abuser. the half-brothers - his own sons were the favorites.

***So I don’t know exactly how old I was when it started but I think I was 4-8 years old.***

i was 5 1/2.

***I told no one until I was 13 – but my parents did nothing – ***

I never told - who was there to tell? they knew...

***I became a very high achiever and performed lead roles in school plays but my dad never came to watch me or said well done.***

ditto - top grades, good in drama, excelled in art - all worthless as far as he was concerned.

***Still desperate for male attention I became an easy target and was sexually abused by other boys/men at 5, 10-12 and 15.***

check - bullied and abused tho\rough middle school and into teens.

***I started to wonder if I was gay.***

me too

***I went through puberty very young and fast and had full grown man genitals by the time I was 12.***

same here - by 11 - felt like a freatk and that attracted pervs like fl;ies to honey.

***I am good looking fellow and I became very promiscuous with girls trying to prove I was straight but never actually had penetrating sex***

i felt ugly though i know now i wasn't. but i was scaared of sex and avoided relationships.

***(a. I was a Christian and you aren’t supposed to have sex until marriage & b. My junk didn’t really work anyway – not that I knew that then).***

also raised in conservative church with sex taboos that complicated everything and made me more confused. the opposite problem - always horny - made me feel guilty and miserable.

***At 18 I was picked up by a 30 something man and he was grooming me for further contact but I gave him fake name etc.***

i think i was 16 the last time i was molested - by a stranger in a store fitting room. got away but never got over it.

***So I was a ‘good’ Christian boy, youth leader etc and had to keep up appearances so I turned to internet porn for male comfort. I became addicted to gay porn and masturbation.***

been there - done that - but not till much later - after marriage.

***Met my wife, fell in love and got married. I told her about my brother.***

one of the best things in my life - even tho far from what it could have been - getting married. i think she saved my life and gave me another chance. but i never told here about the abuse until i was forced to by depression and falling apart.

***I had sex with 5 more men.***

i never acted out with anyone outside of marriage - but no credit to me - since i was terrified of sex - even in my own bed with my own wife.

***Still a Christian and very confused. So now I go into a huge pit of self hate. I love my wife but what have I done to her. What have I become…***

i feel exactly the same way!

***I’m still trying to make sense of it all and am terrified I will lose it all when I tell my wife what I have done.***

That's right where i am now, too. i've told her all the basic outline of events - but not all the gory details with my mixed up reactions and feelings and why it is so hard to get over it all. but she assures me she is not going anywhere - she is committed to "US" and making it work. i have asked forgiveness for so many things that i did wrong and she forgives me and still loves me, but it is still hard and there is still lots of pain and difficulty in the relationship.

i hope and pray that your wife will be loving, forgiving and committed and willing to work with you when/if you tell all.

just wanted to let you know that i understand and that you are not alone.
Lee/Traveler
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#407756 - 08/24/12 01:57 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1341
Hi Farmer,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

It is understandable that the thought of seeing those who harmed you would bring forth a lot of anxiety and rage.

Cry and find other ways to express those feelings so you won't feel like you are going to explode. If smashing things makes you feel better, perhaps you can smash some cinder blocks with a sledge hammer (wear eye protection). There are a lot of ways in which you can release these feelings without hurting yourself or breaking things that you didn't really mean to break.

Before you go to your mother's, you may want to create a few exit strategies for yourself. Plan ways in which you can leave the premises or the activity. Practice what you will say if you are questioned about why you are isolating/ leaving. Knowing that you have an "out" may make it a little more tolerable to be there.

It is also important that you tell yourself, and believe, that it is "ok" for you to leave. If all you can manage to do is walk in the door, wish your mother a happy birthday and leave, then that is what you can do. Do not force yourself to stay to the point where you are so uncomfortable or enraged that you lose it.

Taking care of yourself is not only important, it is a necessity.

Having an exit strategy is part of your self care.

Though you do not yet know us, know that we will be with you while you are at your mother's. You are not alone.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#407849 - 08/24/12 11:09 PM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Job121 Offline


Registered: 08/10/12
Posts: 16
Farmer,

Joshua 1:9 is a powerful verse. It sounds like you are taking positive steps in healing (counseling, coming to this male survivor, trying to work through the hard stuff, etc).

Take it easy on yourself... You are welcome here.

Job
www.coresaving.com

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#407965 - 08/26/12 07:42 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hi Guys

So, I Just got back from my mum's party (it was a 4 hour drive) and I made it through without loosing it!

The party was at my full brother's house (40 yr old & dad's favourite)and my half brother (46 and my abuser) was staying at his place with his 15 yr old son (he has been divorced twice). I was basically told that I was going to have to go pickup my grandma (2hr round trip) because they were hanging out together doing stuff. They didn't want my parents to get there too early because they would get in the way - so I took my mum with for the drive. She was feeling a bit down and my dad being really negative about the party.

I woke up at 4am horny as hell (I have no problem with sex drive - just getting and keeping it up)and was just lying there thinking about them doing boy stuff today (motorbikes, cars etc) and how I wouldn't be part of it. Then I started to fantasize about both my brothers and father in a sexual way. What the???

When I saw my dad (to pick up mum) he was so awkward and put out his hand to shake and I just came in and gave him a hug. So basically I ended up talking to my mum in the car about my dad and how he had changed and how he can't cope with anything ,suffers massive anxiety and she is worried he is suicidal. (I said nothing about my stuff) and that she thinks she hurt him when she got angry at him after my brother's 21st when he said that he was his favourite. I told her that he WAS wrong and that someone had to let him know that it isn't ok to say things like that and that he hurt us other two boys. I basically gave her couselling.

When I saw my abuser all I could think was how old and pathetic he looked and how NOT attracted to him I was. My middle brother didn't even acknowledge me for about an hour. I got in and started helping, greeting guests and setting up. At lunch my middle brother went and sat by himself so I got up and sat next to him and we had a good chat (mostly him stressing about the party and complaining about people we know). My abuser came and talked to me about his health problems and was trying to make an effort to be nice. I had just about had enough when my wife sends over my daughter with the camera to take some pictures. (thank you Lord).

I basically came away with how 'broken' everyone else was and I spent the whole time listening to their problems and tying to make them feel better about themselves and pretended that nothing had ever happened and I wasn't hurt. I know from the outside I am the happy one who has it all together.

I'm trying to find the balance between acknowledging that they are still my family and I love them, they are messed up too and it isn't fair what happened to me growing up and their actions have really strewed me up.

I still don't know if there would be any benefit digging up the past or if everyone would be happier if we spoke about our hurts/brokenness.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#407968 - 08/26/12 08:17 AM Re: Messed Up [Re: Farmer Boy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Just read your intro Lee. I'm guessing it to be a tougher day than the picture you are painting. But wow! Now you know yet one more thing you can survive. Well done! Very glad you got through it so well.
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