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#407691 - 08/23/12 05:09 PM Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related?
eyesofbeauty Offline


Registered: 08/22/12
Posts: 4
Loc: usa
Hi, I am new here and am so relieved to know this place exists.
I don't know where to start as I am incredibly confused, overwhelmed, in a lot of turmoil and feel so alone. I've been reading a lot of the posts and wanted to thank everyone for willing to share and help.

I have loved the same man for the past 7 years. We use to be in a very deep, connected, serious relationship. We both have past abuse - him sexual/destructive cult programming and me - physical/emotional/verbal. We both were deeply in love but our pasts got in the way and we turned against each other breaking the trust. We had a mutual understanding of needing to heal separately. Unfortunately, he was pulled back into the cult at a vulnerable time after we split years ago and I continued on a path of healing. He has since gotten out yet I have no idea if the programming is still there and if they will pull the trigger and pull him back in if at a vulnerable time.

So here we are, 4 years later, and a lot has taken place. There is never a day that goes by where he isn't in my heart and mind, and apparently he feels the same. No matter how much I try to carry on, life hasn't been the same since him, since us. During the past few years he has consistently initiated contact with me, coming in and out of my life - pulling me in, then withdrawing... Giving me complete mixed messages, completely confused himself and confusing me as well. Many excuses have been given such as he doesn't trust us which doesn't make sense as I have been steady as a rock and have consistently shown him he could trust again. He has also at times said he's self sabotaging, pushing me away to protect me from himself or protect himself from getting hurt again. Has at times said he feels unworthy of love, is afraid, has mentioned he doesn't feel he could be responsible or stable enough to give to me, yet has also said at times he feels he's just meant to be alone and that's how he'll end up being.

He started a men's healing program (not specifically geared towards sexual abuse) earlier this year (9 months). A few months ago I had finally drawn the boundaries and made it clear I wasn't going to participate in this anymore, and that I still loved him as well and was looking for a real relationship with him. I made it clear I would only welcome him in my life if he had intentions of being with me again. He explained to me the relationship segment of the program hadn't started yet, as well as being lost and confused. I wished him well and what sounded like closure turned out with him calling me a few months later. He explained all the healing and growth he was doing - how this was the most contentment he had felt ever and the most he had known himself. Said how important I was to him, how he loved me and asked how I felt about speaking once a week to see how it goes and to built trust and consistency. This lasted a month and a half and went well overall regardless of his insane schedule and stress he was dealing with until a few weeks ago where he dropped the bomb of not having feelings for me anymore, yet he would always love me, not seeing himself with me in the future but seeing himself completely alone yet with peace, how his intentions had never been to get back together, wanted me to be with someone else but didn't want to hear about it, and said he's intentions had always been to make peace and amends with me even though he knows where I stand with this - once the relationship is over, it's over meaning moving on and no peace and amends making. Towards the end of the conversation he started crying heavily.

I am devastated and spun. I don't know if this is about fear which he said it wasn't, withdrawing, sexual abuse, self sabotage, testing, pushing me away, feeling unworthy of a healthy relationship which he again said it wasn't, or if what he's telling me is the truth. I don't know if this is common amongst men who have been sexually abused as children - the desire to be completely alone? Yet why the constant pulling me close emotionally only to push me away?

Please, if anyone has any thoughts or experiences and could shed some light and help me untangle this confusion, I very much look forward to reading any responses.

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#407694 - 08/23/12 05:18 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I felt unworthy for soooo long and still do at times...I feel shamed and unworthy and never good enough...Most survivors of abuse have those feeling as you may be aware of already..Sounds to me that he wants you in his life but feels that he doesnt deserve you and is afarid that he will hurt you.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407695 - 08/23/12 05:20 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
alot of times also survivors bury themselves in work, sports and other things to feel like we have acheived something and have others think well of us....It makes us feel normal..Me it did anyway
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#407708 - 08/23/12 07:21 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
eyesofbeauty Offline


Registered: 08/22/12
Posts: 4
Loc: usa
Thank you for your thoughts Country.

My heart hurts to hear the amount of shame and feelings of unworthiness you Survivors feel. He has expressed feeling unworthy of me even before we got involved romantically. I never understood this until learning about CSA. I asked recently if everything he was saying (losing his feelings for me and never seeing himself with me again) was coming from a place of unworthiness. He said it wasn't and that this was the most he had liked himself. He said he simply wanted me as his friend and we've gone around in circles over his desire for this and how I couldn't handle that only for the the door to close and him reappear in my life again pulling me in emotionally then pushing away when he already knows where I stand. I just don't know what to believe anymore as the whole thing is a big confusing mess and I am lost to which step to take.

And yes, just as you, he also buries himself in work.

Healing warmth to you!

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#407714 - 08/23/12 08:00 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I wonder if this guy has multiple personalities. The actions fit in perfectly with our kind of abuse. There are men here that endured years of severe abuse some by the hand of a cult and some not. Many survivors of this abuse developed alters that had oppositional viewpoints. I cannot speak from experience, only what I have learned from others on MS.

But it sounds like he may have developed the coping mechanism of multiple personas and that is why your seeing these wild extremes. Something to look onto at least
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#407715 - 08/23/12 08:04 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
It worked for me at times Scottyg. U may be on to something
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#407716 - 08/23/12 08:05 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Well worked as far as covering up of course. U know what I meant.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#407735 - 08/23/12 09:12 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I wonder if this guy has multiple personalities. The actions fit in perfectly with our kind of abuse. There are men here that endured years of severe abuse some by the hand of a cult and some not. Many survivors of this abuse developed alters that had oppositional viewpoints. I cannot speak from experience, only what I have learned from others on MS.

But it sounds like he may have developed the coping mechanism of multiple personas and that is why your seeing these wild extremes. Something to look onto at least
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

Top
#407741 - 08/23/12 09:59 PM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
eyesofbeauty Offline


Registered: 08/22/12
Posts: 4
Loc: usa
Thank you for your imput Scotty. I've looked into split personality awhile ago. Also asked a therapist I had been seeing long ago who had been hearing all of this for awhile. I also asked him to ask his therapist at that time if he had multiply personality disorder or bipolar disorder (this was years ago). Both my therapist and his (if he had actually asked) said he did not have that. I even asked him recently and his response was "you mean different personalities" and he said he didn't have that but he did have "the little boy within him he needs to heal" which obviously isn't it.

The last we spoke was 2 weeks ago. I had told him I would call him when I was ready as things were left confused. Well I called him today and he replied with saying we had nothing to talk about - that I don't want a friendship and he doesn't want a relationship and that was it. I am truly devestated and do not understand the pulling in emotionally then this. I mean I drew my bounderies so firmly and didn't budge and was beginning to detach. I made it so clear I would only welcome him into my life if he wants a serious relatioship otherwise I needed to heal and move on for good. I am so angry. I draw the bounderies and slowly start to move on.. He comes into my life again, pulls me in emotionally then dumps this on me, disappears and says what he just said. It makes zero sense and I feel like I'm going crazy.

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#407752 - 08/24/12 01:17 AM Re: Confusion /Withdrawing /CSA Related? [Re: eyesofbeauty]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
It is possible that he just wants someone he can manipulate. If you draw boundaries and he disappears only to test the strength of your boundaries later, he may be looking to exploit weakness. Isn't that what cults are all about? Finding peoples vulnerability and exploiting it.

Sadly, most of the time I respond to partners I find myself saying get the hell away. Could be I am a callous and judgmental asshole. Or it could be that many of these guys don't want to change. Change is work and change is scary. Fear of the unfamiliar. As bad as the pain is, it's still mine. It comes back as regular as an old friend. Lots of us never find the way to break that. So the behavior becomes increasingly unpredictable and destructive.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

Top
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