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#407655 - 08/23/12 01:19 PM He threw away his last chance with me.....
OurLastChance Offline

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
Last weekend I found out after 21 months of trying to reconcile from his affair and feeling we were getting back on track, that his affair never ended. He continued to stay in contact with her, meet with her and he even spent the night with her on an occasion dear to my heart, our daughter's birthday!
Last night I found out he had even shared his CSA history with her. This hurts the most because I thought once he had confided this information to me, I was to guard it and not allow anyone this knowledge. I have paid out several thousand dollars in therapy and also discovered he lied to the CSA therapist about his continued affair.

I don't think I can continue with this marriage, it's as if 32 years has been for nothing. It will never be more than lies from him, again and again.

This has completely wiped me out, we just moved away from our children and grandchildren just 4 weeks ago to another state.
I'm the one that made it possible for him to follow a new job, I got the money for the move and the deposits for a lease on a home. At least he could have disclosed the affair before we moved. I suffer from Fibromyalgia and it has taken me these 4 weeks just to recover from the stress of the move.

I feel used, stomped on and every ounce of blood squeezed out of me.

Does he love her? No
Why did he continue with her? He doesn't know.
Does he love me? Yes, very much so.

I give up.

#407656 - 08/23/12 01:27 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
This sounds very tough on you and it sounds like you have been very supportive of him and tried all you can. I am a CSA survivor myself and it seems to me that he is not focused on recovery and if he really wanted help he would stay on the path thru recovery. This path does not include an affair and lying about in. I hope all works out for you and you find the answers you need here. There are alot of spouses here that can help you.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#407661 - 08/23/12 01:54 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I am soooooooooooooooooooooo sorry.

#407662 - 08/23/12 01:58 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
There is that timeless saying about old dogs and new tricks. With 32 years of marriage I'm guessing this guy is close to 60? That's alot of years of dysfunction to overcome. I can't ever ease the pain. But sometimes I can help a supporter understand their pain in the context of CSA.

What you must believe is our pushing away, our destructive behaviors, our infidelity is not about you. These actions stem from a very dark place where we are unworthy of anything good that comes our way. Not worthy of a positive self-image, not worthy of a good wife, not worthy of healthy relationships. We are damaged and bad and we deserve nothing. You are holding the lifeline while we subconsciously sabotage the rescue. But it has nothing to do with you. I cannot say it enough to supporters.

A man who feels as hateful and inadequate about himself to do the things you describe IS asking for it to end. Let him. You cannot be hostage to his demons. Clearly, you are a wonderful woman who's put up with a lot of crap in the name of matrimony. Do not feel duped. Feel proud that you have the character and the caring nature to do so. You are not to blame. You did nothing wrong. This is on him. There is pain and you feel like you wasted your life with this but keep your head high.

You have children and grandchildren. Sounds wonderful. Would it be possible to see them on an extended visit? What I am saying is move onto the positive aspects of your life. I'm sure you are devastated by these latest revelations. Dwelling on the carnage will not serve you
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

#407674 - 08/23/12 03:43 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 764
Loc: NJ
Is the universe trying to send me a message today? This is my greatest fear.... the pain of this, repeated betrayal, thinking you were trying, thinking he cared enough, it is HORRIBLE pain. Step away for a second and connect to you - just you. I have been and am going through this same thing. Just complete disregard for everything that ever mattered.... I ache with you.

#407680 - 08/23/12 04:54 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 386
Scottyg, you just said it all. That's exactly what I was about to write. Good luck, OLC. And read scottyg's comment again. He's absolutely right.

#407698 - 08/23/12 06:09 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 764
Loc: NJ
Scotty - what do you mean asking for it to end? End his pain or end his marriage?

#407775 - 08/24/12 04:31 AM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

I am deeply sorry. My heart and prayers go out to you and your kids, I cry when I think of all that you have done for him.

Please take care of yourself, and please remember that this is not a reflection on you and your abilities, your beauty and your good nature.
He is sick and twisted and seems that he will only realize what he had when he does not have it any more.

I hope that you will continue to visit us here and heal your self even if things don't work out between you.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#408485 - 08/30/12 10:30 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
OurLastChance Offline

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
This most recent series of events have been very draining on me. I have gone back and forth on whether to stay or to pack up and move back home. I feel it would probably be best for me to leave.

Not only had he continued with the affair, he also delved back into porno in these past couple of months. We had an agreement to purchase one specific magazine each month to read together. Instead, he has begun to purchase many different magazines, watch x-rated videos when he is by himself and I noticed he was looking at x-rated u-tube videos on his new work phone.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, he is doing wonderful in his new job. He thrives off the positive reactions he receives from his superiors. He is a completly different person in this role.

Also, you need to understand that the other woman he has been involved with links him to what he loves most, motocross racing. Over the years he has made the motocross people and his involvement in motocross his prioity over his own family. When his affair was first uncovered 2 years ago, he was more worried about doing a walk-of-shame with the motocross world than with his family. I surmise that is why he continued his contact with the OW. She enlisted his help with working with the sponsors for her track, "it made him feel good about himself".

I guess his "family" doesn't provide the same feeling of wellbeing. :-(

#408490 - 08/30/12 10:47 PM Re: He threw away his last chance with me..... [Re: OurLastChance]
OurLastChance Offline

Registered: 05/02/11
Posts: 32
Loc: USA
Thank you everyone for your comments.
Country, I have no idea what he was focusing on during his therapy, his therapist specifically excluded me from any of the therapeudic care he would be providing. (You can read up on this in some of my older posts).
Whome, I'm so glad to see you're still active on this site, I hope you are doing well in your new support group.
Scotty, thank you very much for your insight, it helps enormously knowing it comes from someone who has been there. Esposa, I truly wish you never encounter what I am currently experiencing, it really sucks!
Robert1000, I appreciate your second opinion. I get double the insight!!

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