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#407630 - 08/23/12 09:18 AM accepting changes.?.?.?.?
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1517
Loc: kansas
2012.... the year for me!

i've never made new year's resolutions. even this year. however, back in january i finally decided to start doing for me. that this is going to be the year for me, to take care of me and my issues.

i noticed back then that i helped a lot of people. i didn't mind then and i still don't mind now. in fact, i really enjoyed being there to help others. it made me feel good. however, i would end up always putting myself, my needs and so on, on the back burner. i always put myself last....

well, last january i decided to start putting myself first and learn to start saying "no" more often. i had to cut way back on helping others. that was extremely difficult to do. if i had the time to help someone else, i would do so. however, i wasn't going to put myself aside as much anymore. i realized that i had to take care of my issues and focusing on everyone else wasn't taking care of my issues...

well, here we are in august and i've been noticing a lot of changes that i've been going through. i'm working through some issues that i thought i would never be able to get through. i'm liking/loving myself, and the person i'm becoming, a lot more....

so, what's the issue?

well, the issue i'm having now is the people around me... even some of the guys here on ms... many people are having a hard time accepting the changes i'm making... it's like they want to keep me down.. well, maybe not keep me down, but more like they don't like that i'm not there as often to help as much, like i used to and they want that person back.... seems like they are very selfish in that they don't care that i'm getting better, they just want me to be around to take care of them all the time... i can't do that as much anymore...

why is it that so many people are having problems with the fact that i want to better myself, take care of myself and so on?

it's gotten so bad that a few people don't want to be my friend anymore and/or don't talk to me anymore... i still, and always will, consider them to be my friends....

you'd think that people would be happy for a person that is trying to better themselves... apparently i'm wrong in that thinking and should be the old person i was and be totally subserviant to all their whims and needs....
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live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#407631 - 08/23/12 09:28 AM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6854
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I'm ecstatic to hear that another guy of MS has attained the (previously-thought) "unattainable."

It gives me hope that there are other modes down the road, even if I can't see them or even guess what they might be.

Happy for you!
_________________________
We all had to SURVIVE by different and unique means. Only God truly knows what we went through.

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#407637 - 08/23/12 10:35 AM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1517
Loc: kansas
thanks robbie....

still working through the issues that i thought were unattainable... have hope again...

had to change some of my thinking...

some of it was from some of the things you have said, like all the times you said how you tried to be a part of the nermal, still find that word funny, world. tried to be like them and so on...

i also incorporated into it what others have said too. a dear friend of mine put it this way...

what, to us, looks like the "normal" life is and should be is a cookie cutter format of life. the difference is that when we got abused we were no longer a part of that cookie cutter life...

we grew up in a different world from that point on...

so, i put all those thoughts together and changed my thinking of trying to make myself a part of that cookie cutter part of world that just will never work, and like taco bell, think outside the bun/box...

from that point on i started thinking of out of the box ways to deal with my issues to become more balanced. abuse is not normal. our abuse kicked us out of balance. so, i went the route of out of the box thinking to deal with the issues that stemmed from an abnormal event(s).
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#407652 - 08/23/12 12:56 PM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Obi-
Making this short and sweet. Glad you're saying no. That is a very healthy step. We had our boundaries erased by abuse. You are asserting them. Very important to express your boundaries and feel comfortable in your decision. You are in control now. And this is healthy control using honest language not the languages of manipulation.

Others do not share in your growth. Perhaps they have stagnated. At any rate you have moved their cheese. They resent the fact that you've stopped falling on your sword for them. Your growth has eclipsed their own and it causes self-reflection. No one wants to feel mired in a stagnant broken identity. But your example of triumph will create that reaction in damaged people. So to feel better about the status quo they'll blame you.

I often wonder if I get a cool reception because I can be so outspoken about healthy choices. I know I bring a strong flavor to the mix... People love it or hate it. I am ok with that. When we really make a stand the complacent get ruffled. Ask Robbie brown about that. Doing what's right is seldom popular and doing what's popular is seldom right.

Damn that wasn't short. Why can't I say anything in less than 1,000 words?
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#407730 - 08/23/12 08:52 PM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3704
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Obi
well, here we are in august and i've been noticing a lot of changes that i've been going through. i'm working through some issues that i thought i would never be able to get through. i'm liking/loving myself, and the person i'm becoming, a lot more....

so, what's the issue?

well, the issue i'm having now is the people around me... even some of the guys here on ms... many people are having a hard time accepting the changes i'm making... it's like they want to keep me down.. well, maybe not keep me down, but more like they don't like that i'm not there as often to help as much, like i used to and they want that person back.... seems like they are very selfish in that they don't care that i'm getting better, they just want me to be around to take care of them all the time... i can't do that as much anymore...

why is it that so many people are having problems with the fact that i want to better myself, take care of myself and so on?


i have had some similar problems, obi.

part of it seems to be that i have upset the status quo. i am no longer acting in the familiar and expected and comfortable ways that everyone is used to. that makes it difficult for them to know how to relate because i have changed the rules. it's like changing your position on a see-saw - you upset the balance. they would be happier if it stayed the same because then they would not have to figure out how to respond in a new way. it has been hard work for me to change - but i am motivated by self-interest. they do not have my interests as a high value. they are not always willing to put in the work to make the adjustments. (you'll know the true friends and those who love you by which ones are willing to work with you.) so i become the "bad guy" for taking a stand or improving myself or doing the right or more normal thing. because there can't be anything wrong with them. it has to all be my fault...

at least that's the way i see it.
stand firm, man!
Lee


Edited by traveler (08/23/12 09:46 PM)
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


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#407794 - 08/24/12 10:43 AM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Excellent post Obi. Although nothing is perfectly balanced, my general thought is whether I'm getting as much as I'm giving. If not, I back off a bit to see what happens.

Facing that with a ten-year friend at the moment who's been obsessed with a crackhead for 18 months. Well, it sucks because he's off in la-la land and hijacks any conversation with the latest chapter in the codep soap opera...when/if I hear from him. We used to treat ourselves to a nice dinner out monthly, talk about cars, etc. I got fed up initiating contact (and hearing about the endless emotional blackmail), so I don't...and it's been months. Pisses me off, but I don't feel like a doormat. Put another way, screw it.

My only issue in cases like this has been finding something else to fill the void that isn't necessarily "all about me," the thought being that other people do enhance my life.

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#407804 - 08/24/12 02:23 PM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 405
Hi Obi,

I agree that people get used to a certain pattern, and so they get put off if the pattern changes.

Also, chronically helpful people easily attract very needy people who aren't necessarily equally giving. Their two habits of being work well together.

TO help the transformation go smoothly, it might be good to think about how you say "no," so the other person doesn't hear it as a brush off. I typically use work pressures (usually real) to ease the let down: "Sorry I can't talk longer, I've got a bunch of work to do."

Sometimes people think the changing pattern means you don't like them as well, or that they did something, so clarifying might be useful.

Danny

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#408014 - 08/26/12 05:15 PM Re: accepting changes.?.?.?.? [Re: Obi]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5950
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Todd,

In order to find the balance between "reaching out" and "reaching in", survivors often go through a medley of challenges.
Shock that abuse happened
Dissociation, abuse happened to the "other" part of me.
Reaching Out, empathy while reading or listening to another share and wanting to help that sharer heal. This is a stage many, including myself have fallen into as we heal. In reaching out, we realize in time that we need to reach in. The hurt parts of ourselves get jealous like children who are seeing their older siblings go off and do fun things at night when they have to go to bed. These hurt parts of ourselves want what we are giving to others.
Finally, reaching in. We hug, smile in mirrors and really support those hurt parts, achingly healing the pain and trauma, reuniting the pieces into a whole. Us becomes me.

We only have so much empathy and compassion. We will feel jealous of these qualities in us as we seek to heal within. When we use all or most for others, we have little for ourselves. The opposite is true as well. I remember at a retreat, where the facilitators instructed us to physically" shake off" the negative feelings from a powerful share. They were not disrespecting the offering, but rather were helping us to be self aware and to care for our own needs while empathizing with the survivor.

Welcome to self care, Todd. You are a good man, and those who have relied on you may yet come to celebrate with you, and in doing so, may come to understand their own need. Yet again, you are providing a healing example, well done.

Sam
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