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#407560 - 08/22/12 01:57 PM Older sister abuser
cymrotom Offline


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 30
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
I was abused by my older sister through control. The family I grew up in on the surface was very normal, but my mom was an alcholic (now recovering) and my father stopped drinking, but I don't think he realized he was an alcoholic.

I'm the youngest of three. My brother, the oldest, physically abused me, but not sexually. I've recently talked to my therapist about that and he says I probably suffer from some PTSD over that.

My sister, who may have been abused herself, abused me when I was just entering puberty. There was no intercourse, but there was simulated intercourse, in that she had me lie on top of her clothed and "dry hump."

She also made me undress to show her my puberty progress.

After reading others' stories, and the horrible experiences they have had, I feel like mine isn't so terrible. But why do I feel like shit?

I have problems with control; others controlling me. I'm sad and angry and I don't know how to go forward.








Tom
_________________________
I just want to be me.

Tom

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#407946 - 08/26/12 01:00 AM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: cymrotom]
Gmone Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
Tom,

Don't belittle what you endured - you were assaulted! It happened to you and that is why you are feeling this way.

I, too, was raped by my older sister and what I remember most is the embarassment, I hadn't reached puberty yet. My little boy pee pee didn't have any hair yet. I was mortified!!! I hate my genitals to this day.

She made me "do it" and I didn't have any idea how to! I still feel like that lost little boy today.

When she realised I didn't know what to do, she made me watch her and her husband do it. I still try to recreate that experience thru acting out.

Ya, I feel like shit, too.

Lets keep talking. Gary
_________________________
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

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#407985 - 08/26/12 10:26 AM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: cymrotom]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hello and welcome Tom,

For those of us abused by siblings, there may be shame and feeling that we are not in control. Siblings and parents are supposed to creating healthy nurturing relationships that encouraged self affirmation, working well as a team, and promoting an assertive self image. Physical and sexual abuse "freezes" those personality traits. They are not destroyed, just stopped from developing until we "thaw" them out through recovery.

Control is the desire to be able to think feel and act with assertiveness. We can begin, continue and finish a process with success. Abuse takes that healthy image away from us. We feel dependent on others to make decisions for us, and then we feel as if they are trying to control us. Some do try.

Learning what we need to truly be in control of us is a matter of recovery. Whatever brings us into recovery is a matter that keeps is continuing in recovery, but the victory of recovery is addressing all the areas the abuse froze and warped, and healing from as many of those as we are able to in our lifetime. It is a marathon, with checkpoints and timing, not a horse race.

Please, see yourself in the good and assertive way you want to, and then pursue that goal to victory, you will, I know it.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#408086 - 08/27/12 10:43 AM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: SamV]
cymrotom Offline


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 30
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Sasuva,

Thanks. This is the kind of stuff I'm trying to work on in therapy, in my relationship and on my own. Thank you again for your kind and pertinent words.
_________________________
I just want to be me.

Tom

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#408087 - 08/27/12 10:44 AM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: Gmone]
cymrotom Offline


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 30
Loc: Minneapolis, MN
Gmone,

I know how you feel. I'm still dealing with the effects of my abuse and am grateful for finding this site.
_________________________
I just want to be me.

Tom

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#415067 - 11/02/12 10:10 AM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: cymrotom]
Cassialla Offline


Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 7
I am actually the girlfriend of someone that was sexually abused by the females in his family from he was 9yrs old to about 12.He lost his virginity to one of those females.I just recently found this out.He is an extremely loving person,very affectionate and aware of my emotional needs.He's not very sexual tho,it comes in spurts.Sometimes I wait a whole 2weeks before we have sex only because I try to give him space because I want him to know I care and understand what he may feel toward women sexually in his adult life.But I am a woman at my sexual peak and have needs and don't want to pressure him.I try to use different methods like sex toys.I have tried to please him with fellatio but he won't let me do it and simply says that it does nothing for him.AND he just revealed to me that he is not sensitive at all down there.So I am very distraught because here I was thinking he was enjoying sex and feeling everything when he was not!He does say that he enjoys it because there's the strong emotional attachment he has with me and he loves me but he just is not sensitive there.Do you think his abuse has de-sensitized him?I am so mad at those women for doing that to him and that part of his adult life is taken away from him.Feels like the relationship will never be complete if that problem is not fixed.I want him to want me like I want him and feel what I feel sexually.Are there any ladies with this same problem?And to the males,do you feel similar toward women sexually?like just plain not interested in sex?

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#415347 - 11/04/12 11:53 PM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: Cassialla]
PoeThePanda Offline


Registered: 10/24/12
Posts: 25
Loc: Ontario
Originally Posted By: Cassialla
I am actually the girlfriend of someone that was sexually abused by the females in his family from he was 9yrs old to about 12.He lost his virginity to one of those females.I just recently found this out.He is an extremely loving person,very affectionate and aware of my emotional needs.He's not very sexual tho,it comes in spurts.Sometimes I wait a whole 2weeks before we have sex only because I try to give him space because I want him to know I care and understand what he may feel toward women sexually in his adult life.But I am a woman at my sexual peak and have needs and don't want to pressure him.I try to use different methods like sex toys.I have tried to please him with fellatio but he won't let me do it and simply says that it does nothing for him.AND he just revealed to me that he is not sensitive at all down there.So I am very distraught because here I was thinking he was enjoying sex and feeling everything when he was not!He does say that he enjoys it because there's the strong emotional attachment he has with me and he loves me but he just is not sensitive there.Do you think his abuse has de-sensitized him?I am so mad at those women for doing that to him and that part of his adult life is taken away from him.Feels like the relationship will never be complete if that problem is not fixed.I want him to want me like I want him and feel what I feel sexually.Are there any ladies with this same problem?And to the males,do you feel similar toward women sexually?like just plain not interested in sex?


I fully sympathize with what he may be going through. I can't speak for him but from my experience I had to learn and reshape my view on sex. I could not feel anything with my gf, sex was always in the third person for me. Learning to accept love helped me lean into things like fellatio and improve on sensation. It took a few years for me to fully experience sex without "leaving myself". It takes time and with your support what ever is blocking him will be over come.

And don't feel bad about putting pressure on him, guys like to provide and feel like they are providing, even if you have to demand it. He loves you, so he will enjoy giving you pleasure.

Hope this helps.
_________________________
Quiet the noises
And leave your ears free to hear
What is going on,
Right Here.

Do not cower in fear
For when the morning rays mate with the leaves
Through your eyes it will be clear,
That there was actually nothing to fear.

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#415349 - 11/05/12 12:07 AM Re: Older sister abuser [Re: cymrotom]
PoeThePanda Offline


Registered: 10/24/12
Posts: 25
Loc: Ontario
Originally Posted By: cymrotom
I was abused by my older sister through control........

.....After reading others' stories, and the horrible experiences they have had, I feel like mine isn't so terrible. But why do I feel like shit?

I have problems with control; others controlling me. I'm sad and angry and I don't know how to go forward.



Tom


Your feelings are very real and your own, you have every right to feel angry. Avoid downplaying them and comparing. Someone used your body for their own pleasure, disregarding your own rights as an individual. Unfortunately a lot of us here did not have someone to tell us that, "our bodies are our temples", and ,"no one has the right to do anything to me that I dont want", and if they try you should scream and tell the authorities. If someone may have been a bit better, or maybe not...who know? What matters is what I CAN do NOW, as a man, as a survivor.

Reclaim your body, however way you see fit until you no longer feel like shit, I play sports, run, hit the gym, set boundaries with women so I'm always in control. Your body is yours and yours alone. It's up to you who you share it with. She took advantage of a little boy, you are not a little boy anymore. What happened then should not define you.

You are a survivor.

Best of luck
_________________________
Quiet the noises
And leave your ears free to hear
What is going on,
Right Here.

Do not cower in fear
For when the morning rays mate with the leaves
Through your eyes it will be clear,
That there was actually nothing to fear.

Top


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