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#410182 - 09/15/12 03:01 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
This is a test!
my wife is away on a ladies' retreat for 2 nights.
i am trying to resist the temptation.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410184 - 09/15/12 03:23 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey (((Daniel))),
thanks for update and such strong testimony about struggle with porn. I would never say before that is love (or lack of it) in background of such behavior. Thank God that we have each other and this site!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#410185 - 09/15/12 03:29 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hang on Lee,
must be some challenge if you already feel pressure building inside.
Sam gave us great article (on page before this) about battling porn and I've found it very helpful:
http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/05/how-to-stop-porn-addiction-stop-watching-porn/
Especially interesting part for me was where it is explained that our feelings (including) temptations are limited in lasting so we have to find way to buy us time and wait till go away....
Please try to stay in present.
Here is my hug for you (((Lee)))
_________________________
My story

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#410195 - 09/15/12 11:35 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Lee,

If I asked you not to think about the a big pink elephant, what would you think of? I bet the Elephant. I read a very wise saying a few years ago that said, 'what you resist, will persist.' The Tao teaches us to go with the flow. What the heck does this have to do with viewing porn? When I consciously acknowledged wanting to view porn and act out, I was better able to re-direct my thoughts. Thoughts affect feelings and vice versa so while the sub-conscious emotion may be hard to pin down, we can change the emotion by changing our thoughts. Here is an example:

Facing the thought/feeling

I am feeling lonely because my wife is gone and when I am lonely I want to use porn and MB. This is not what I want.

Replacing the thought/feeling

I can quell this feeling of loneliness in a variety of ways. I can call friends, I can visit MS and support a fellow survivor, or I can spend some quality time with myself exercising, writing, working on a project. This is what I want.

Connecting with others

I am going to reach out to a fellow survivor on MS and tell them how much they mean to me, and then I am going to take a brisk walk to clear my head.

That's the basic premise. Face the trigger, replace it with healthier alternatives, and follow through with the alternatives. Affirm these things out loud with as much emotion as possible to make it more real for you. The idea is to train your brain to reach for healthy outlets to express emotion. It's based on the cognitive behavioral techniques I mentioned in the post above.

I also want to mention that Sam is spot on with hugs vs porn. Human touch and bonding releases Oxytocin, the same chemical that is released after climax either with a partner or solo. A hug will not release the same quantity of oxytocin, but it might be just enough to deter you away from viewing porn.

One more thing. When someone virtually hugs you here on MS, try and visualize the hug with as much detail as possible. Our brains respond in much the same way to visualization than to actual practice. So in effect, seeing the hug as vividly as possible with as much positive emotion as possible may in fact coax the release of oxytocin. I hope any of this helps. Heal well friends.

Daniel,
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#410490 - 09/18/12 04:54 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: Letourski]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Letourski
About a year ago (June of last year), I officially recognized I had a problem with porn and decided it was time to face it. I joined an online program and saw some success. They used cognitive behavioral techniques to re-wire the brain by modifying thought processes. I ultimately left the program, feeling that there was a lot of shame in the forum. There, many men spoke of their sexual urges as shameful. I have seen a lifetime of shame, and decided it was not a good place to be.Daniel I too have seen much shame in the halls of self healing in step and support programs. That is so difficult to process, and while it seems to be the impetus that helps the non abused to heal, it is overwhelming to me. Empowering yourself to keep healing by leaving a support group is a productive, I have left virtual and physical groups, and feel better about the chosen course, well done.

Many things began to surface when I quit porn. The crippling inner voice that told me I was completely worthless became louder and louder. Feelings that were numb for the last 21 years became "un-frozen" and boy did they feel intense. I wasn't emotionally prepared to deal with any of that. I slipped in and out of addiction multiple times over. Looking back today, I can say that I was always moving in the right direction. My overall use of porn to numb my life was going down. It has taken me this long to allow my brain to come down from using porn all these years. I weened myself off of it (unknowingly) like you would a drug or anti-depressant.Oh man, it's like you are inside my mind, the rush of powerful chemicals in the body that freezes and demands such access is intimate and depletes negative and positive resources so completely. The weening is a "replacing", a desire to feel the chemicals, but to process the abuse "dump" so that it is a trickle, satisfied with an amount of good feelings without the emotional flood.

The whole process was one of self discovery. And then you Sam, wrote something in a post that struck me and radically changed everything. You wrote that addiction to porn and sex was merely a way for us to seek acceptance and love. Me too. This line freed me! That resonated so deep in me. From that moment, porn lost all of its appeal. You lifted the veil long enough for me to see the illusion that is porn. I have not viewed porn in over a month. The voice in my head has changed, and I am feeling much better about myself. "The illusion" indeed, embrace the real hug of self, empowered!

I know there is still a ways to go, and I have accepted that it's a journey with no absolute destination. Igor, stay the course my friend. I know it feels like you are taking one step forward, and two steps back. Trust in the process. Recovery isn't linear. That is true of CSA recovery and it is true of porn addiction recovery. You have to trust that you are moving in the right direction. I didn't know I was, but sitting here today I can clearly see that I was. Believe in yourself, because we believe in you. Heal well friend.It surely does not "feel right" at first, or even second. Eventually, we adapt into the path, and it becomes right. There will be slips and it will feel like we have failed, but moving slowly in the right direction is never wrong.

Daniel
Thank you Daniel, your sharing, your supporting, this is so close to my heart, thank you.
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#410491 - 09/18/12 04:56 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: traveler
This is a test!
my wife is away on a ladies' retreat for 2 nights.
i am trying to resist the temptation.
Lee
I know fellow survivor Lee, that you made progress in this struggle, that you had victories this weekend. Keep seeing the wins in this battle, they are there, and you are so worth it.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#410657 - 09/19/12 07:11 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: Letorski
Facing the thought/feeling

I am feeling lonely because my wife is gone and when I am lonely I want to use porn and MB. This is not what I want.

Replacing the thought/feeling

I can quell this feeling of loneliness in a variety of ways. I can call friends, I can visit MS and support a fellow survivor, or I can spend some quality time with myself exercising, writing, working on a project. This is what I want.

Connecting with others

I am going to reach out to a fellow survivor on MS and tell them how much they mean to me, and then I am going to take a brisk walk to clear my head.


This is a wonderful addition to our tools Daniel thank you!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#410663 - 09/19/12 08:14 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3520
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sam & Daniel & Pero -

thanks so much. your responses really helped. Daniel - your reasoned, step-by-step action plan above is especially useful. identifying the issues and finding a positive way to substitute one method of meeting the need with another:

*** That's the basic premise. Face the trigger, replace it with healthier alternatives, and follow through with the alternatives. Affirm these things out loud with as much emotion as possible to make it more real for you. The idea is to train your brain to reach for healthy outlets to express emotion. ***

yes! i can do this - and it works.

OK - so bottom line - i did slip at the beginning of my time in solitude. but i got away from that and stayed away for the rest of the weekend. and for the first time i did not wallow in self-condemnation and stay there either. i just admitted my fault - to one of my brotheres here in a PM - and moved on. i think what they say is true - confession is good for the soul.

so - yes - definite progress - and also some other big revelations that i've posted about elsewhere.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#413439 - 10/17/12 09:39 PM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: traveler]
Tyler845 Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 276
Loc: U.S.A.
For No Other Reason Than This Is A Great Thread And Should Be Endorsed By Every Member Here-

(((((( ))))))))

Love.

U guys.

No Porn Tonight.

Great Replies , The Whole Lot Of You.

Be Well.
_________________________
Most Often, The Child Inside Has Better Access To Execute The Flawless Potential Of Self.

Over-Ride Emotional Conflict With Rational Truths

You Are Freer Than You Think - Paul Berteaux

Come unto Me, all ye that Labor, and are Heavy-ladened. I will give you Rest -Jesus Christ

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#413487 - 10/18/12 08:01 AM Re: Hugs versus porn [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
(((Tyler)))

WooHoo!! You are a wonderful example of the power we have inside of us to see beyond the abuse controls and get what you NEED. Safety, security, kindness and happiness.

You are a success! Well done. No porn tonight, just hugs, fellow survivors and the satisfaction of knowing we are one day better than we were a day ago.

Powerful Tyler, powerful!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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