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#407383 - 08/21/12 07:12 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: Valkyrie]
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
I have to say that I was lucky enough to call on friends immediately(while he was confessing to me) who instantly went into the role of being pro-active for me, by making calls, calling their own resources so that they not only could educate themselves in helping me and the children, but so that I would have a portfolio of information, names, (which amounted to very little) etc... in the aftermath of it all. I have to also say, most of my anger is in the system, the lack of awareness, the lack of support, the lack of everything. Today, I was angrier that I have been since this all started. Victim Services(located in the police station) finally returned my call, 35 days later! They offered me a sympathetic ear- a little to late, and offered me no insight. The Rcmp (police) have not returned any of my calls. I have called all the government resources, they tend to pass me around until I end up with the first person I called. Most of the non-profit organizations are for woman, and they are all shrugging their shoulders, and because I am a male... have reservations. This angers me! The thing is, I have amazing friends and family who stepped in and took leadership over this all. It made all the difference in the world. I think the reason, I am in the head space I am now, is because of how they stepped in in those first few days. I consider myself to be a healthy person who is resistant, a fighter, etc... and so in the end, I know I'll be okay; But I think it is absolutely horrifying that when families are faced with tragedies like this- that the people,agencies, groups- I've always assumed would be there- would be able to help more than they have. That they would be pro-active on behalf of victims wanting to reach out, offer resources, guide victims through the mess of it all. I was confident about the future outcome for me and the kids days after my husband confess, today- I have very little confidence because of my experience in trying to get help, support, etc... and I can't stop wondering about all the others in my shoes who don't have healthy friends and family, who don't have someone being pro-active for them, or suggesting that they should be proactive...In my case, victim services was in the next office, where my son and I were giving statements to the police, my friend asked them to send us an information package, which I have never received, and 35 days later she called to see how I was doing 20 minutes before her lunch break.

I read about how all forms of abuse are rampant, Ive been reading people's stories of how helpless they felt, didn't know how too get help or who to turn too, the silence.... and then we funnel all this money to groups, agencies, etc... to help victims.... and the irony is... at least from my short experience(hopefully unique) is that they are kicking back waiting for victims to be pro-active, know how to be pro-active. This doesn't make sense to me. We live out in the country, the town closest to us is 3000 people max... and my husband was the fourth person arrested for molestation just that day. Just that day... Just that one day... and I can't help but wonder who's being pro-active for all those families, let alone on any given day.

I did call Al-non today, after reading your post to me. Huge thanks, they happened to know of someone who they felt could help me. In that, I was able to make some contacts that I am going to meet next week. So, I am hoping I find some peers who can relate to my own personal experience.

Sorry for my rant.

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#407384 - 08/21/12 07:33 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: SamV]
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
Thanks for the kinds words, and advice, especially the links. I was able to pick up one of the books today at chapters, and ordered some more. I am an artist, so I have been forcing myself back into the studio with the kids, and all of us have started little projects, plus I am renovating our farmhouse in hopes to put it up for sale, and move into the city where I am closer to resources, support. Reading, walks, anything but lamenting... after the first week passed, I decided that I could only devote so much time in a day to this all. That this moment, does not define our lives, and that if I was to move on, or the kids, that a well lived life must move forward. (easier said than done). However, I try... I allow myself two hours of unedited wallowing, and then I keep my day full. (aka 5 kids)

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#407386 - 08/21/12 07:49 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:00 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#407388 - 08/21/12 08:20 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: whome]
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
Martin, this may be inappropriate for some, but I did have to laugh at your comment though it was never meant to be funny. Laugher kills the dragon I find, and here is a small story to offer you, hoping you may laugh with me. The day my husband was arrested he spent a night in jail and then went to court to plead guilty; and of course, he had to call home to ask me to come pick him up after being released, and bring his wallet, his vehicle, clothes, and keys to our second home, where he is now living- so you may find comfort that on the long drive back to our farm where he was going to drop me off on the gravel road a mile before the farm(so my kids didn't have to see him)... there was a long silence... where I lost a bit of my control... (editing) Needless to say, the car hit the ditch, and he was black and blue all over, and then I spent the remaining minutes complaining that my hands were going to be too swollen to work in the garden.

On the serious side of things. My son is really amazing. He is dealing with things better than I could have imagine. He is very open in discussing what happened, how he feels about it, and I am always profoundly amazed at how he is processing this all on the level that he is- obviously though- he's struggling on many levels. Everyday, he writes in a journal, he writes a letter to his dad. Every day, he asks me to talk more about kindness, mercy, understanding, and love. In this I tell him the things that I believe- which is in order to heal, we must also forgive, and in forgiveness- we can find all thee above.

My husband has not, and will not be able to see the children until he is through all his legalities. From what I understand, eventually, he will be able to have "supervised" visits with the children at some point. I have agreed that at some point, long time down the road, he may see the girls, but that our son was off limits until he is 16 and that the choice must be left up to him. Legally, he is their dad... and I have only so much say in the matter...

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#407395 - 08/21/12 09:44 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
Thanks for everyone's words, and honesty. I thought this forum would be useless for me and it's quite the opposite. I am trying to reply back to everyone, but I am finding it exhausting, time consuming, painful, but I'll keep plugging away. I can't thank you enough... I have spent a great amount of time reading other posts, stories, etc... and I can see this is a good place to be...

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#407420 - 08/21/12 01:21 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
You don't need to reciporicate to all that reply. No one does. Just put it out there and let the love flow. You're too busy and too anguished to reply to my post so allow me to reply to yours. I didn't sleep at all... this thread is keeping me up and I realize I may have knifed you at the door as you walked in seking support. I shall want to unpack my language.

I hit the roof when I read this. I am still seething but I've mellowed with a light beer
Not mad at you. Incredibly angry at the situation, at the terrible news another young person has suffered, at the extreme selfishness of the man who was supposed to protect his children. Again, not mad at you. You are the hero in this story. Keep it up.

First, I will recognize the pain behind this text. Your pain must be enormous. The betrayal, the manipulation, the culpability a parent must feel when their own child is harmed. This is a weight you will always carry. The only thing you can do is manage it and do good by trying to repair your family.
I know from my own experience the crippling feelings stemming from abuse can be overcome but like any scar, they never vanish all the way. The positive steps you're taking will alleviate the pain for you and your kids. The focus needs to be on this relationship. Not any other relationship. When I was abused my parents dropped me off in counseling then ignored my needs for years as they worked out their marital problems which turned out to be irreconcilable. My mother is almost 70 and she's still kicking herself about the mistakes she made raising me. When you do the good work (that you seem to be doing) repairing your family you are acting to stop the ripples of pain the continue long after the abuse has ended. Looking back, you will be a proud parent who has raised wonderful children into good and decent people. That is an enormous reward that no pain can eclipse.

If I were in this situation the first thing I would do is break off all contact with the sex offender... I cannot fathom the idea that you spend one second of time listening to this person.
What's really upsetting is that somebody would abuse the family (yes, only one child was sexually molested but the entire family suffers the manipulations and fallout) and have the gall to want to discuss his issues. The time for discussing these things is BEFORE we act, not after. If you stick around you will find a thousand men who're damaged to the core. For childhhod survivors we spend all our lives having uncontrollable thoughts about harming ourselves and even about harming others. Many of us have unknowingly acted out in our pain and then become mortified by our own hurtful actions against others. We're all here because we were terrified by the monsters we were turning into, had become already. We saw that our thoughts and actions were becoming increasingly more destructive. So we got ourselves help and we stopped the cycle before we continued to inflict more harm. That is what decent people who are suffering with this do. They don't go out and adopt a bunch of kids to have a stable of victims. You're describing a guy who spent a years time in the grooming process. Who had no remorse until confronted. This guy did not do the decent thing. He has perpetuated the cycle in the worst possible way. Any moment of energy or emotional investment you give to him takes away from the family that needs you to be there for them right now.

You need to repair the family. His needs are crap. Do not allow youreself to become drained by his neediness. Where was this need for solace when we was abusing boys? It's too late for you to do anything for this alleged person.
Many partners that come to F&F are fixers who want to help always in any way they can no matter what. They try for years and years, absorbing the destruction caused by severely abusive and damaged men who will use them up until they are a shell of themselves. If you get sucked into his drama I fear you will not have the time and energy for yourself so you will be a healthy person. You will always be more important so please take care of you. As Ken says, be excellent to yourself.

I like what I hear that you've done so far regarding the kids. Keep that up and don't beat yourself up over what went on because if you do you'll stop being the disciplined parent. Children crave discipline and they need it so much though they will fight you tooth and nail. Focus your energy on doing the rigght thing by them.
Sometimes with the guilt over a situation, any situation, a parent will cave. You've already done right by these kids before the abuse came to light. I am hoping you will continue with your compassion and with a firm set of expectations so these children will know that love does not mean you get whatever you want in exchange for some unhealthy conditions. That is what they have learned from him. You will show love means saying no and explaining why the healthy answer has to be no sometimes.

You are WAY too busy t concern yourself with his lies and his baggage. You're not superman. Don't try. No one has the strength to deal with everything you're going through so lighten the load by eliminating the most dangerous and villianous element. In my opinion he is a coward that deserves no sympathy from you. Let the profesionals handle him. You need to move on with your life and find somebody decent.
As you noted there are resources out there for him. The court will mandate that he seek them. He needs professional help and god bless the folks who do this work. These resources exist because he is dangerous and society neeeds to address the danger. Abused children are not an immediate danger to society so we don't develop the public resources to address their issues. It's that cynnical and that simple. with that said, don't mourn the loss of these avenues so much. Often they can do more harm than good, again if you hang out long enough you will read horror stories from survivors who need therapy and get chewed up and spit out by public health systems. You are already doing awesome work. The support network you describe, the resolve you demonstrate, the enlightened approach you have is just jaw-dropping. We've never had someone so anguished but so healthy in their reactions. I cannot say enough about your positive strides. Although you may not be getting the sponsored support you require, the love and support of a close family are way better than a stiff in an armchair with a clipboard. Do not discount the healing that normalcy and openness provide.

Hope that pulled the knife out some...

_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#407443 - 08/21/12 04:55 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
I recognize that my response to the whole situation must set off alarm bells to many; I certainly have held back the details in fear of being whiplashed with comments, or that one would read my words and not conceive an even more complex situation that are beyond my skills to describe.

Certainly, my position is problematic to most, and more than ever, after reading throughout the website have I come to understand that not only are there horrific personal stories- that this is also a politicized arena and that I am an outsider in many ways.

By this I mean, my husband. Everyone see's him as a monster. He is everyone's monster! I get it! But to me he is not! (which may make me a target for some) On one hand, I wish that life was as simple; that I could just wrap this up, and label it..."monster". This is day 36 of him confessing, 37 days ago- he was still a child of god, a human being, worthy of love, compassion, forgiveness, understanding, and no one would have disagreed with me then, etc...

My husband was molested by his grandfather, raped by his sister... and as it unfolds I learn there are 13 abusers who participated in destroying his childhood/teens, that this was a problem going back generations in his family. His family is crippling, and toxic, boundaries broken and crossed in every possible seam emotionally, physically. Finally, all the missing pieces of the puzzle I have questioned for 11 years finally found a place... More so than ever- Do I understand him... All the things I found to be quirks, now are more relevant to me today.

In our earlier years, he went to every therapy we could find to address issues, countless therapy. In hindsight, I look back and realized how horrific his therapy was. Yes, he is the only one responsible for his actions but I still want to say, that what he received played a major role in who he became today.(Again I am angry with the lack of awareness in the field to help victims) They didn't put out the fire, they handed him gasoline, and said it was okay. (void of details= hard to swallow, i understand). In time, I thought he had found some peace, some healing, and for the most part he did-the change in him was profound. It is why I married him, choose to raise a family with. He is an amazing person, who is extremely gifted, an expert in his field, that has affected and changed social programs throughout Canada, and highly recognize for that- which makes this all the more horrific, because there is a legitimate threat my family will be exposed on the national news because of his stature.

I am still trying to make sense of this all, I still am in shock, and I feel a sense of loss in who I am- because behind the person I have loved and known so well, admired, had lurking a monster I saw in the corner of my eye but could not conceive.

A few people have said it now to me in one form or another... It was one of the first things I said to my husband days afterwards when we sat down to really talk. It wasn't the act itself that hurts me the most, nor the grooming (which was more destructive)... it was the thought process, the inner conversation he had to have with himself- in that moment of consciousness- to not speak up about what his thoughts were, what he was feeling... that he had to wage a war in this moment- to seek help- or choose to make a decision to throw his life away, our life away, to throw our children's life away, to squander my son's innocence... destroy all that we have created because he was too prideful, arrogant to admit he was confused, sick, and needed help... It is that moment of disregard I can't seem to forgive him for. This was the point of no return! This is also what he has to live with. His choice!

I have come to understand, how events and situations last year triggered him, how he bought into his own deception and lies. How he was thrown into his past when he least expected it, and how he became confused about the intimacy of relationships. It does not excuse him; and I certainly am not trying too. It makes him human. He was grooming my children long before he understood what he was doing... and then rather than doing what is right when he understood what he was doing and feeling, he gave into a lust, temptation, created a selfish destructive path, that became calculating for no regard for any of us. A monstrous path of choices... yes... A monster himself? I can not bring myself to demonizing him beyond what he has done; Underneath all of that, is a victim who has had a far more horrific life than what he has created. Underneath all the filth, is someone I love dearly who made choices that makes it impossible for him to make amends to anyone- and for me-the weight of that- that seems unbearable, deserving or not. The human condition!

There is nothing left. It's done; He's alter the lives of all of us, and there is nothing any of us can do, but pick up the pieces. He has to come to terms with his past and what he has done. I have to help create a new life for me and my children. Any anger, resentment I have, feels misplaced, unimportant- insignificant in light of what needs to take place in the form of healing for me and the children...Even for him- Adding to his plate-doesn't serve him any purpose but destruction. It doesn't mean I don't hold him accountable, I am not giving him free pass- I realize that in this life time, we only have so much energy- and I don't have the time to squander it on hate and bitterness... so all that I am left with is tenderness, forgiveness, mercy, and understanding... It is what we all deserve, including him- whatever that may be.

I know I must sound co-depentent-emeshed as a few have said. (alarm bells)That is probably true. This is still raw to me, and my emotions can't be shut off. However, I hold no claim that I am responsible for him, his healing, recovery, fixing him, in the same terms as I used to as a spouse. A healthy co-dependecy that couples have in helping each other's personal growth- he destroyed that etc... However, in response to some of the harsh reactions to my involvement. I have a very clear picture of what I am doing. It is with thought, and resolve.

Obviously, you can hear how much I love him, how complex this is to me. I want the best for him... whatever that may be... so tossing him to the dogs when he needs support the most seems futile. It is a temporary timeline for me, as we transition into what maybe some haven't considered in my story. It is my best interest, and the children to help him, as I have...so that he remains healthy, positive, in wanting healing, recovery...He is just now being pro-active, and standing on his too feet. I am seeing that I can release myself. I need him to be alive, healthy, working, providing child support. I have five children (3yrs to 10yrs) and no education. We need to start working on a separation/divorce. It's being practical more than emotional in many regards.

Also, I understand how it must sound to hear all his confessions. They are devastating to me, they are destructive, and I know will hurt me for a long time, but I am also choosing to find healing in them as I try to sort out what was real and what wasn't. I don't want to be asking those questions 20 years from now. I want to move on, heal, and not carry any more baggage than I have too. Yes, I have heard horrific details... It may be hard to understand, but I am doing it for my son because I hear what my son says, I have a billions memories of the past year of things that I need clarification on, and I also have his confessions that I never suspected. The grooming... the conversations, situations, motives, events, behaviours

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#407450 - 08/21/12 05:21 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
(sorry-hit submit by accident) Obviously, my son was exploited by his father, a trust figure, and so there are all the things I would not have known. The sexualization in conversations, situations and events, a tainted version of bonding,etc.. You must all know more than I... what goes on in grooming... that my son without question, thought was ok, a way of being, etc... Seeds have been planted, a foundation has been made, that I was totally unaware of... and for me... hearing and asking repeatedly the questions of what was said and done, the nature of everything, when my husband is a mind frame to confess all, be honest, be accountable... allows me the knowledge, and information for me to take to his therapist so we can zero in on what we know, rather than guess. For me, the personal sacrifice, is irrelevant, my son's well being in the present, and future is what is important, as well as the girls... I have to learn what he has learnt, so we can teach him to unlearn it. This is my angle, as dicy and risky as it may be... and again... There is a timeline for me... I have a clear understand of what I am trying to do, as emotionally crippling it may be... I have friends and family who have taken the time to help me manage this... and as times move forward, I pretty much know as much as I need too.

I have not seen a therapist yet, I just have referrals and appointments set up. My kids came first, then me... and they start next week. Just to clarify. I have to drive 2 hours, find babysitting, so it's been hard to get things moving in the speed that I wish I could... outside of not being able to get the help, resources, that should be available.

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#407455 - 08/21/12 06:04 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Look. Family & Friends IS for you. Welcome. Really. It's awful that you need to be here but wonderful that you've found us. You have just as much of a right to be here as anyone. You are not an outsider anymore. You've jumped in with both feet and shared more than we (read: me) were ready to hear. I have a family. I know there is no one right answer. There's never a solution without repercussions and you are doing what you feel is right for your situation. This situation is very different than the usual complaint and so many of my stock reactions maybe out of sync with your reality. You're a bright guy. You'll be able to filter.

One thing we all love around here is our kids. We feel terrible about the thngs we did, our dysfunctional behaviors, that worked to alienate us from them. Anything I say to you is not an attempt to deamonize your spouse but to help you understand the very important things you must be and do for them. I really only have the kids in mind when I suggest you drop all contact and focus on family. You know best, maybe this is wrong-headed. I just don't know how you undo the manipulations with the manipulator sitting right there at the table. But as I said, you're already doing awesome work. If anyone can pull this off it's you.

So sorry that I caused you to defend your rationale in this forum because my purpose was never to question your choices. Clearly you are a sound and healthy person. Another rare breed around here. My aim was to alert you to some of the issues that supporters go through long term so you do not make their mistakes. There are many partners who've suffered making similar choices to reconcile with their abusive partner but they were not as strong as you.

Clearly, I've made these comments in error. My apologies. -Think I'll make this my new tag-line.
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#407460 - 08/21/12 06:39 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:01 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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