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#407281 - 08/20/12 07:19 AM Found out my husband has been molesting our son.
argomav Offline


Registered: 08/20/12
Posts: 8
Loc: saskatchewan, canada
I am in a same sex marriage of 8 years. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, and we have 5 adopted children. I knew that my husband was molested between 9 years of age and 13 years of age by his grandfather. There were also others who had abused him in this time, though until now, I thought he was unclear about those memories.

We have had an amazing relationship(so I thought), until the past year. I noticed a break down in our relationship and no matter what I tried, or spoke to him about, there was no resolve. I noticed that the kids also had turned almost hostile to me, and found whatever excuse to not be around me. He was the fun dad, I was the care taker- the bad dad who handed out discipline, rules, etc... My husband and I were having constant fights regarding parenting issues, outside of relationship issues. The past year has been incredible hard for me because we never fought in all our years together, we rarely disagreed, etc... People used to comment on how envious they were of our relationship.

There were issues with my son, the day we got him as foster kid, stemming from his stuff prior to coming to us. This year, they became much worse, and it felt my like Husband was contributing to them but I could put my finger on it. Last month, by happenstance, I started putting two and two together... I confronted my husband on issues, one being porn, which was an off and on problem over the years... and for the first time, I started questioning him on what kind of porn he was looking at, and diving into more specific questions. It lead me to ask him if our son was safe...

The next morning, my husband confess to molesting our son for the past year, and that he had found a way to capitalize on our children's behaviour issues to alienate them from me. He confess to so much, that I am still trying to absorb it all.

He plead guilty and will be facing charges sometime this year. We are separated. He has come clean to everything he can remember doing, including more of the abuse he suffered as a child. We still meet privately away from the kids daily and talk. I have been able to get him to go to Sa group, clinical psychiatrist, as well as a grief councillor, and an assortment of other peer groups. He is suicidal at this point, with no healthy family to count on other than my own...so I have been force to have an active role in his own healing and recovery, while my parents and I, have a hour by hour account of what he is doing by phone calls and texts. I have been doing this for a month, and feeling burnt out. He is feeling the weight of the world off his shoulders as he dumps everything he has done, which has put me into a horrific position of knowing things I should never know, like exact details of what his fantasies were of our son while we were being intimate.

My son, has also been going to therapy, and when school starts; there are a whole bunch of "clubs" for him that I've signed him up for that are for boys who have been abused. My four girls are also going to therapy; and we have had an array of family and friends coming to stay with us, to help me out, this past month, so I feel like I have done the best for my kids, including my husband- but I am starting to feel like I am ready to have an emotional breakdown.

There are no peer groups, or anything where I live for people in my shoes. There seems to be more for my husband than my son, and than absolutely nothing for me. I can't seem to find much on the internet, though I stumbled onto this site the other day. I am seeing a grief councillor, and got a referral for a therapist. I am not sure I can afford more than a few sessions. I was hoping to find a peer group to meet with. I have so many conflicting feelings, resentment, anger, etc... how this has made me feel. I am hoping to find someone to talk things out with who has been in my shoes... or someone point me in some direction, websites, books, etc... Thanks

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#407283 - 08/20/12 08:40 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Argomav, I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. But I am also amazed as the resilience you have shown in immediately attacking the problem.

Yes, your husband is sick but is accountable. Yes, he was abused, but you are still showing compassion and support. Your son was abused, but re not hiding from the problem and are getting him the best possible help. Your other children are also not being forgotten in this terrible tragedy.

And without question, you yourself need help. Coming here is a great first step. I am going to assume you have exhausted all government resources available to you in Canada? Sexual assault centers (not necessarily run by gov't) may also be able to assist you in locating help for yourself.

I recently started Al-Non which is not suited to your problems, but I did discover that people with layered issues, such as you are experiencing, also attend many other different kinds of support groups as well. Reaching out to one group may help you network and find another.

I would suggest a group for victims of crimes. Your son and your husband both suffered at the hands of another. Start there and see if it leads to anything. Perhaps through what limited therapy you can afford, your therapist can help you find something as well.

Take care of yourself. You have to stay healthy and strong for your children. Keep coming here. Keep posting. We're here for you.

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#407286 - 08/20/12 08:50 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Welcome argomav,

I congratulate you on demanding safety of your children over your own security as regards the relationship with your Husband, well done. What you are doing for your children is healthy, progressive and positive, you are doing enough.

Supporting your Husband after finding his being abusive takes a caring person. An offending survivor needs to work on the offense before he can work on the abuse issues. He needs to find a therapist that works with offending survivors. Supporting his past as a survivor of sexual abuse and having empathy for him shows you are a strong and kind person, you are doing enough.

What are you doing for you, argomav? Your world fell apart, the children you love have distanced themselves from you and have been abused, have you took the time to mourn this great loss? In the last 30 days your life has taken a devastating, chaotic turn. In order to keep healthy in the affairs of your family, you need to be healthy, and then you would be doing enough for you, and that is a good circle. Relax, find stress relieving stretches and calming breathing exercises. Take time, 45 minutes everyday, to ground and center yourself. You are taking care of your Husband, your children and you, and that is all that can be asked of anyone.

May I offer a "Well Done" dear supporter.

References:
*Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse
By Linda Lee Foltz
http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html Page 7
*Evicting the Perpetrator Male Sexual Abuse recovery understanding
http://www.malesurvivor.org/bookstore.html
*Setting Personal Boundaries http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
*Co Dependent No More
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/?tag...sl_74fe8pdrwr_e
*Offending Survivors
Impact: Assessment, Treatment, And Prevention of Sexual Misconduct: Case ...
By Janet Nekooasl-Smith M Ed
http://www.amazon.com/gp/search?index=books&linkCode=qs&keywords=0595348041

Please continue to post your thoughts, concerns and experience here, get those fears, doubts and triumphs to a place where you can be supported, here in MaleSurvivor.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#407293 - 08/20/12 10:55 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
It is never easy hearing things like this for me. I am sorry this occurred to the kids and you. I hope you find the comfort and help you need
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407296 - 08/20/12 11:14 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I dont even want to read this post. What the poor child is going to go through, I cry for him and my heart and prayers are purly for him.
Your husband, well he I could easily do grievous bodily harm too. Sorry this is a bitter pill for a survivor to swallow.
I hope that he has been thrown out of the home and that he can in no way get in touch with the children.
For you I pray for the strength and the courage to do what IS RIGHT FOR THE CHILD.
I know that it must be an incredibly painful time for you all.

Heal well
Martin
PS perhaps when I have calmed a bit I will read and post a "nice" reply. My anger is in no way directed at you.
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#407298 - 08/20/12 11:33 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
My heart goes out to your son-I know what he is feeling but I am glad you have him in counseling--hopefully they can heal most of the wounds but a piece will always remain with him. I hope the other children realize the parenting issues that made them hostile towards you are not your fault but rather that of a parent who has used their role as a parent to separate the children from you. Sadly the parent needed to be the focal point of the child's life, confusing this with love. The children suffer and their ability to enjoy strong relationships will be changed. I am glad the four other children are in therapy and this will help them to heal from the selfish parenting actions. You have been through much-take stock of who you are, remember you have given much and seek the help you need to be their for your children.

And I am glad your husband the survivor is seeking help--he has endured much but must be held accountable for inflicting the pain on your son--a child's life forever changed. Sadly, many survivor's act out, their inner being warped, none of it is good but the worse and totally unacceptable is to violate another child, a life so young and full of hope.
I hope the best for you and the children and especially for your son--I hope he heals well as you all do.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (08/20/12 12:59 PM)

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#407356 - 08/20/12 10:28 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
I hit the roof when I read this. I am still seething but I've mellowed with a light beer... hopefully I can get out what I want to say without using language that is so inflamatory and derogative that I am banned for life from MS. Hopefully.

First, I will recognize the pain behind this text. Your pain must be enormous. The betrayal, the manipulation, the culpability a parent must feel when their own child is harmed. This is a weight you will always carry. The only thing you can do is manage it and do good by trying to repair your family.

If I were in this situation the first thing I would do is break off all contact with the sex offender. He would no longer be a part of my world given the abuse he has inflicted on the weakest members, given the outright manipulations. I understand he threatens suicide. My reaction to someone who married me to adopt children and then molest them while at the same time turning those children against me would be to help him acquire the gun he needs. You can see I am very agitated and I cannot fathom the idea that you spend one second of time listening to this person.

This person has commited crimes, unspeakable crimes and he hides behind his own abuse and whines abut his problems? He is the worst coward and his actions are reprehensible. You need to repair the family. His needs are crap. Do not allow youreself to become drained by his neediness. Where was this need for solace when we was abusing boys? It's too late for you to do anything for this alleged person.

I like what I hear that you've done so far regarding the kids. Keep that up and don't beat yourself up over what went on because if you do you'll stop being the disciplined parent. Children crave discipline and they need it so much though they will fight you tooth and nail. Focus your energy on doing the rigght thing by them. Kick that peice of crap to the curb. You are WAY too busy t concern yourself with his lies and his baggage. You're not superman. Don't try. No one has the strength to deal with everything you're going through so lighten the load by eliminating the most dangerous and villianous element. In my opinion he is a coward that deserves no sympathy from you. Let the profesionals handle him. You need to move on with your life and find somebody decent.

-SG
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#407360 - 08/20/12 11:24 PM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
argomav --

I don't know where to begin buddy. Yours is probably one of the most painful posts I've read. Thank God the kids are safe now, assuming the H has no contact.

Obviously the kids are relying on you alone now. Whatever you feel you need to do for your own support - and, frankly, that would include NOT listening to the H's details of fantasies, etc. - just do it.

You'll always have about ten thousand people here to listen.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{argomav}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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#407365 - 08/21/12 12:09 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
((((((Argomav)))))). You are a great dad.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#407382 - 08/21/12 06:35 AM Re: Found out my husband has been molesting our son. [Re: argomav]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Argomav, welcome to Male survivor smile!
Must say that you are in very difficult situation. There are a lot of things that you've done for others in short time and that must be extremely exhausting. Please try to find some time for yourself and your needs in all this if that is possible with kids around.
I hope you'll find your way to connect to others here. Being part of such community could be very helpful, it was for me.
I think that I've read some thread with similar problems, I will sent you link trough message when I found it, it could be helpful. Please keep sharing with us.
Here is hug for you (((Argomav)))

Pero
_________________________
My story

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