Hey All,
I am 34 and have been dealing with my CSA for about 4 months. My memories were repressed and I was in denial about my grandfather molesting me starting at 3 or 4.

I worried because for the past 4 months I just want to be alone and in my apartment all the time. I am self-employed so traditionally I have not needed to leave the house to go to a job, but I have also stopped working. I feel like simple outdoor tasks are exhausting and I am avoidant of interactions with people, including friends and telephone conversations. I understand the isolation is not good for me, but I am desperate to maintain it. It just seems so bright, loud and unpredictable outside. I have worked out 3 or 4 times a week for the past 20 years and I have even stopped going to the gym, due to paranoid thoughts that people talking about me.

I am on two medications to combat the depression and anxiety and in counseling. The medications don't seem to be working yet, I am becoming very impatient with myself and my "progress".

Sometimes I do not believe I will get better, and this is the new me. The truth is the memories just amplified existing behaviors.

Did anyone have a similar experience when they started remembering/dealing with their CSA? I understand everyone's process is different, but how long did it last for you?

I'm 35 and a white haired man got me from 5 to 7, but I still don't have clear memories of the actual abuse, only knowledge that my current symptoms are a match for CSA.

I too work from home, and have lived in NYC, so I know how NYC can be. What I find helpful are those long NYC walks, where I just go for like 40 blocks in Manhattan without a destination, disappearing into the crowd. I feel un-self-aware and together like that. Also, I've discovered another good place to go and feel "together" with myself is the movies. Turn off the phone, dark room, big screen: MOVIE.

You've got to get out of your apartment. You know you do. Asking "how long is it going to last?" is pointless if you don't get yourself over this first hump and start going back to the gym and taking care of your shit. Because you're just delaying that eventual wellness by not doing what you know you need to start doing.

One way over your paranoia, especially if you know it's irrational paranoia, is to laugh at yourself. Makes jokes. Laughter is a good way through some of these problems that seem so overwhelming even though we recognize they are only in our heads.

bnyc,

When I first started on the road of recovery from CSA I was almost totally isolated in my house, unemployed, no money, one friend, and paranoid as hell. I found that walks in the city where I live were helpful because I could see that life was not revolving around me and people were simply going about their business. It made me want to join them by getting a job. But it took time to get a job and somewhat involved in life. I went through a period of a couple of years before I could look for a job. Not having a job was the biggest problem for me. It always has been in my history of long periods of unemployment, but this last time was the worst by far. Because you work from home you'll have to force yourself to get out and around people in some way. This is what working has done for me. I can't tell you how difficult it has been but also how much of a positive difference being around others and contributing to society in some way has made in my life. Depression and anxiety are still issues, but they get better with activity and exposure to social situations.

I hope this helps in some way.

Casmir

Similar situation - not in NYC - and similar feelings here. First thing I'll mention from my own experience is the meds. If, for instance, you're feeling no change after a month, get with the doc and make adjustments. That's probably the easy part. The rest for me has been adjusting behaviors...even if that's only the very smallest bit.

Keeping in mind my perspective is that of long term clinical depression, similar feelings, the rest likely feels like Everest. Even the easiest and simplest of tasks feels too overwhelming...oh, say, like shaving or taking a shower. I'm serious! Phone often stays on voicemail anyway...Caller ID is my gatekeeper. If I'm really in the pits, yeah, projects become difficult to even start.

Clients know they can come over. That will be just enuf of a kick in the butt to get the place tidy and stuff in the fridge. Even if I don't feel "normal" at least I want to look that way. Frankly, whatever it takes, screw the analysis.

To start, I might tackle a very small project like cleaning up my work area. These days that's often enough to jump start some of the rest of what I need to be doing. I purposely chose a house with a lawn I'd have to do myself. Maintaining it means I must go outside and sometimes interact - even when it's the last thing I want to do - and the whole yardwork thing is therapy. And the results are tangible.

When I was doing the gym - it's been over four years now, alas - sometimes a break wasn't all so bad, particularly if I felt I'd hit a plateau. You and I know that, even after a break, it comes back quickly anyway (usually with the thought, "Why'd I ever stop?"...but we'll see how THAT pans out...lolol...I miss seeing my veins).

I suppose a lot of it over the years has been accepting that, at the moment, I may be feeling completely powerless over the depression. And it might take ridiculously small baby steps to get back into life. The defiant part of me has often struggled with the old inside voices that tell me I'm not good enough, what's wrong with you, why can't you do a simple task, etc. Hell, I say, I'm doing the best I can even if that's not good enough. I'll get past it when I get past it.

(Just occurred to me that, if you're anything like me, even this post feels overwhelming. Perhaps just choose one idea).

Thank you Lancer, Casmir and C_remember,
It is helpful to hear that other people struggle with this, and to the same degree (shaving, shower, the grocery store).

I do try the baby steps. Dishes, making a resume, looking at schools to attend. I try not to get discouraged when simple tasks exhaust me for the day. I tend to be hyper critical of my progress, but the reality is it is where I am at so I might as well accept it. It helps for me to post stuff and get a response so thank you all for writing.

On the lighter side (I'm inna mood this evening)...

Really pisses me off that not shaving for a few days is actually fashionable and therefore kills one of my reasons for beating myself up. ;-)

{{{{{{{{{bnyc}}}}}}}}}

.

LAD -

glad you came up for air.
sending you mental/emotional/spiritual support for your application - or whatever you are up to - whatever the size of the step.

Lee

I have been more in this situation in the past, but not so bad lately. I think it really is something that needs to be worked through. It can be painful, but you have to force yourself up and out. And don't see the things that need to be fixed or cleaned up in your life (on all levels) as a giant, single thing. Break them down into manageable tasks. In time you will start to see that you are whittling away at these things and slowly to burden eases. You have to keep at it though and be easy on yourself, which we all deserve given what we have had to deal with.

Eric