Most of my life I've been told I have a problem with anger. I never could see it. After all, I wasn't the type to blow up, lash out or get into fights. Now I can see that there's been a simmering anger inside me since the abuse...and its mostly been directed at myself. Anger...self-hatred...self-destructive behavior...for 42 years.

Since I've been dealing with my abuse in therapy and by coming to MS, I've heard over and over "Its wasn't your fault....it wasn't your fault". I think I'm finally starting to believe it, and turn my anger where it belongs...onto my perp. I am pissed off that so much of my life has been wasted carrying this around, and all the drinking, drugging, and sick sex that went with it. I picture myself meeting up with the monster and getting my hands around his throat and squeezing the life out of him till he drops dead in front of me.

Do you think this is healthy? My therapist is okay with it. How re you dealing with your anger?

Hi Gary,

Anger has been my life long best friend. I decided to part ways with this best friend earlier this year. It's been a hard and messy break up. But I've decided its time for me to move on from carrying the anger for the last 40 years.

I can relate with your question and your feelings. I think you describe a particular form of anger called rage. It's constant and boiling and almost always subconscious. But we behave in ways that other people can see and correctly interpret as anger or passive aggressiveness.

I've been aware of a lot of my anger but I wasn't aware of a lot of it as well. Coming to the realization that I had much more anger than I thought I had was a surprise.

The question about "is it healthy?" To which I will respond "what function does it serve in your life?' I ask this because we are JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY! We were robbed of life essence and have had to fight our entire lives oblivious of its affect on us. DAMN STRAIGHT we ought to be angry!

For me, I realized that it was serving a purpose. To protect me from further harm and injury. To protect me from other potential abusers and users. My anger was a shield. And it worked VERY well. I have not been abused since I was a youngin.

My anger has also created a very thick wall around me. I'm learning this now. This wall consists of judgment, ridicule, nagging, arguing, fighting, condescending, belittling, and manipulating type behaviors. And all of that happens in my head!

I have been extremely uptight on the outside. Very rigid and very stoic / dissociated. Many people took me as a threat because of the way I have carried myself. I became upset or very annoyed at people who disappointed. And yes, I have an anger management issue. My supervisor at work actually scolded me about this a few months ago. This is sort of what brought all this out and made me make the decision to learn how to let go of my anger.

For me, I need to let go of my anger because I am not surrounded by a bunch of people who want to hurt and use me. That's not the reality of my life anymore. My anger served to protect me from threat, and that threat disappeared years ago.

It's strange. Cognitively I've known this for decades. But on a guttoral / instinctual / emotional level (animal level?) I had adapted a behavioral stance that guaranteed my instinctual survival. By acting angry, I thwarted any potential threat.

I can't fault myself or blame myself for not recognizing this sooner. I didn't buy into or understand PTSD psychology and trauma and how that works. But now that I've been here at MS and seeing a trauma therapist, that makes incredible and intricate and maddening sense. Unconscious behaviors, coping mechanisms, etc.

Thanks for posting this question dude. It has made me look in myself and given me some insight and a little more perspective on where I am and what I'm grappling with.

Sorry for the VERY LONG response. But again your question and reflecting while responding to your question has given me another layer of insight and understanding.

Thank you.

D

Even though my perp is long dead, I love the choking fantasy even when I visualize choking a ghost.

At times, I am an angry and irritable person, but I have real trouble locating my anger about the CSA. However, when I think about how it has affected me, or start giving myself shit about the sex, drugs, or lack of self-sufficency (all of which I now see were direct a result of the incest) I try to stop hating and blaming myself and visualize choking the f**k out of my perp.

I do not know if it is "healthy" or my long term goal but for now it is a step toward not internalizing my anger, but directing it at the correct person. At 34 this is a new concept for me and if I can (even for one minute) let go of blaming myself (on an emotional level) it provides momentary relief.