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#406158 - 08/07/12 09:26 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Lately I've been wishing I could find mine but I've no way of doing so. Like with you he wasn't within my family so finding him is alot harder. Why I want to find him I'm not entirely sure. Immediately after escaping the abuse I never wanted to see him again and the thought of running into him had me literally shaking. However, now as an adult I wish I had the opportunity to confront him, and to report him since by his own admission he was abusing other boys at the same time he was abusing me. If he is still alive I believe he would still be offending since that's what serial sex abusers do. I suppose those are good enough reasons to want to find him.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#406174 - 08/08/12 12:06 AM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I was able to track down my first perp. I have every phone number and address for the last 20 years except his current address. I have photo's, have even contacted his current wife and spoke with her behind his back... talk about getting even in a way... The last time I talked to the cop he told me to stop contacting my prep... apparently there have been complaints... Not that I mind... I have everything except his address. He is hiding in a town so small they only use PO boxes. Good thing otherwise I am sure he would be dead.

My other prep I don't know his real name yet. There are court records, new paper articles. I just have not succeeded yet. I am thinking file a lawsuit (65$) against John Doe, then subpoena the records to find out his name, (weird laws here)... Just have not done it yet, in part because I am so MAD right now: if I had his address he would not survive very long. I just hope he is in jail, or prison.
_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#406191 - 08/08/12 08:54 AM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2026
Since I found where he lived several months ago I had dreams of sitting in the car across the street from his home. But since I physically visit the home last week the thoughts are in my daily conscious. I see the house, I see the neighborhood--which appeared to be very family oriented neighborhood--I have fears for the children who live there because I saw bikes in driveways and toys on the lawns. I fear for others now but I still harbor feelings of needing to see him, confront him. I had written him a letter and I want the questions answered. I am trying not to become obsessed by him but knowing more and seeing where he lives has caused me to constantly think about him. I have hatred, fear, sadness and a part that still believes I was not just an object of his needs but rather someone special. All so confusing and the latter repulses part of me.

So I think each person needs to decide what is right or wrong. Will I have the courage to confront him or will I realize I am better off moving on. I do not know.

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#406313 - 08/09/12 03:32 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 386
Hey Charles,

You're in an interesting dilemma, regarding that sonofabitch's command not to tell. I guess, here's the way I look at it. It's an admittedly selfish way to think. I hate drama for drama's sake. I only care about the mental and emotional health of me and my immediate family--my wife and kids. I used to struggle with anger a lot at the asshole who abused me. I know he abused other people, and sometimes I worry about those guys who have now become grown men. Are they abusers? A few of them might be.

When I was in fourth grade or so, when the abuse was terrible, our downstairs neighbor told my mother that she had had a dream that my dad was abusive to my mom and her kids (me and brother and sister). That strange accusation caused a huge rift and ended my mom's friendship with that woman. Before then, the two had been almost inseparable. I remember at the time that I thought it meant abuse like beatings but now I realize that our neighbor had probably seen something fucked up and sexual that one of us had done. The abuse happened in our apartment building, in the house of a friend of mine by his baby sitter, who abused lots of kids including my brother and me. He fucked kids in the ass and stuff, made me suck his dick and things like that. He said it was fun. He threatened. He said it was practice for when we were bigger. And he was bigger and stronger than we were, and although I don't remember exactly how he threatened me, I knew that he would kill me if I said a word. I was afraid for my life, and for more than my life.

But, you know, sometimes I want to talk to my mother's former friend. What did she see? Sometimes I want to talk to the other boys who took as much abuse as I did, or more in some cases. I sometimes want to talk to my brother, who I have almost no relationship with. We've never acknowledged what happened. And the truth is that he, a year older and far more mature, has probably acknowledged what happened to himself for much longer than I have. He was "gay" for awhile. Then he got straight again or whatever. Now he's married to a woman and has kids.

As for my relationship with my parents, it's complicated. I've always been my mom's emotional crutch, which means that in a way she has always used me emotionally without giving a hell of a lot in return.

I did all the regular acting out that abused kids do. I smoked pot, drank and got into tons of trouble in junior high and high school. But I kind of found my own way in college and afterwards, and now I'm a professional who can afford therapy, which I have done on and off for going on five years.

So I've really learned to get what I need without looking to my parents. And sometimes I believe there can be too much truth. Like, what's in it for me? I know what happened. I don't need any affirmation. The way I look at it, if I tell my mom, suddenly it will be more about her than anything else. I don't need that. And I have no idea what my dad would think. He's kind of an emotional child. He might be upset at that long ago situation. I don't know. There is a part of me that worries that I would be doubted or discounted. I don't need that.

Like I said, I'm dealing with my own anger. I'm dealing with the wreckage of my own childhood and my PTSD. The last thing I want to do is carry someone else's baggage.

So that's my point of view.

Good luck, Charles. Stay positive. Keep searching for peace, man. And you should know that you did nothing wrong. Shit happens, and the truth is that monsters do exist. Sometimes terrible things happen to people for no reason other than someone had an opportunity.

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#406316 - 08/09/12 04:27 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2026
Charles

Move at your own pace--it is a difficult decision--but once you begin the journey to find your abuser--it maybe difficult to turn back. I have moved forward on quest--knowing where he lives, driving past his home--which had so many emotions but I realized when I saw where he lived I began to feel like the child--I could seem him and feel him--I was drifting away from the emotions--but no longer did I allow myself to leave and put my child in charge--I drove away. I still have thoughts of confronting him. but when I do not know.

I had my T today. I told him about what has happened--he had warned me not to go alone because the emotions could make me dissociate again--and anything could happen. He responded, I thought you would go--but he was happy I collected myself before anything happened. So go slowly, understand it may not turn out the way you wish--you may or may not find relief--but it is your decision and only a decision you can make.

I wish you safe searching and peace.

Kevin

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#406435 - 08/10/12 08:12 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 32
Thanks, all.

Kevin,

Did your therapist suggest it was best not to look for the abuser?

I saw my mom the other day and we made small talk. However, in the back of my head I was thinking how I could even begin to broach the subject. While I have thought about it many times, when I saw my mom in person, I could not imagine doing it.

I remember someone mentioning that one should only speak if it is truthful, necessary and kind. While revealing my dark secret to my parents would be it truthful, it certainly won't be kind, and I don't know if it is necessary.

But as mentioned earlier, that bastard told me not to tell as a child and I feel like listening to him as an adult is like handing him an everlasting victory.

Is this selfish on my part? Does my desire to tell my parents possibly help me and no one else, and could in fact help me while hurting my parents?

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#406468 - 08/11/12 09:26 AM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2026
Charles

My T was concerned about me going alone to see the abuser. He had fears the emotions would be so strong and I may dissociate and do something I would regret and not remember. I did not listen to this part of his recommendation. He believes each person needs to make their own decision. Each person will have a different experience but to be prepared that the meeting may not bring the desired results.

As for telling your parents--you will know best how they may react. Your parents may be in the dark and maybe their reaction would be one of love and understanding. It is so difficult to judge how one would react. I have learned this first hand. But having told people has help to set me free of the abuse and on a healing path.

Good luck and remember heal and do things at your pace--it is not selfish to want to heal and be free despite others reactions.

Kevin

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#406471 - 08/11/12 11:16 AM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Rehi CXY --

My perp is worm food, but I feel I've done the next best thing. I've spilled the beans with the institutions for which he worked...and I've put it on the record with them.

It may spill out to his progeny. They may already know and it may have been The Family Secret for years. I know where they all live and what they all do...go figure that many of them are involved in endeavors with teenage boys similar to those of their father. Hell, yes, that's scary and a connection I made to the institutions' reps by invoking the violent propensities I observed in one of his kids at the time.

I've no ill will towards them, but the years of bearing the effects alone are no longer acceptable to me.

For now, I'm willing to let things take their course. Two other parties now know. Certainly not ideal partners on this journey - they have their own agendas - but I now know that every time the perp's name comes up in their conversations, it will have "pedophile" attached to it.

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#406496 - 08/11/12 06:02 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2026
Lancer

Glad you are willing to let things take their course. I have been a bit obsessed in seeing him. When i drove past his home and he was not there-just from the look of the house, part of me was sad, another part hurt, angry and disgusted. Since then I have tried to track him down--maybe he does weekend work at a church, school or center. I found it today, where he is doing the work--I hope they are watching him very closely and not letting him do activities with the children--I am tempted to send a letter to the church warning them of what he has done. Hopefully at a more senior age he can control himself. At least I know another place to find him on my next trip to Ct.

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#406505 - 08/11/12 07:31 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: KMCINVA]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
The research - albeit on his family - helped me a lot, KMC, knowledge is power and all that. Do I want to blow the lid off? Compulsively, yes. Am I prepared for the consequences? Intuitively, no.

If my perp was alive, I'd still have taken a similar course. The only change I'd make hypothetically is that my first stop would be with the DA's office, indicating my concern to them for any kids with whom he might be in contact. And I'd follow their lead, whatever my personal feelings might be. This is no longer something I have to do alone. There are actually people who are on my side.

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