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#406043 - 08/06/12 08:40 PM Finding an Abuser
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 30
Has anyone here tried to locate an abuser from their past?

I was abused by a neighbor when I was very young and have been to think about it again lately.

I do not know the abuser's last name, but I may be able to find out through my parents (I never told them and that is a whole another issue).

I guess if I did locate him, I hope he is either dead or in jail. However, I am concerned if he is neither.

Anyone face such a dilemma? Am I better off not even trying to look?

Thanks.

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#406045 - 08/06/12 09:19 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1539
Yes I have--took some time but I found him--I have seen his house on google maps and tax records. He was a priest--not sure his current status. I was just in Connecticut last week and against advise of my T and others I drove to his home--it was dark, curtains were drawn and it was day time. It was garbage day and his garbage was not out. I assumed he was away. I was angry, hurt, in pain but another part of me wanted to see him--I was sick to my stomach, felt myself drifting away, saw the abuse and knew I had to drive away before I left myself. I had to stop, I was sick and threw up. I was sad and his house was sad for a sad person. In a way I felt better but know I must one day confront him.

My story is one of turmoil. I had things done to me in my home in recent years that made me feel like the child in the cellar--trapped and violated. The flashbacks were strong, I had buried them for a lifetime but knew they were there but the feelings created from being violated and trapped released the memories and the child. I lost myself and much time. Tonight I heard what I did during this time--they were disgusted by my acting out. They do not realize how disgusted I am with myself for the acting out but the do not accept the violations and feelings of being trapped they created by their actions had on me and my child. They do not accept a CSA victim has a fragmented part that is not integrated into the whole. With continued emotional upheaval and attacks that fragmented part, the child, took over. Lost was I, but I uncover more as they try to push me back to the dark place and acting out. I believe they fear everything I will remember. What I remember about what was done to me is appalling, disgusting and inhumane. My acting out, the child who only knew love was abuse and abuse was love looked for what he only knew. I am accepting that part of me and slowly learning of everything--much I do not know but they say I do--how confused and angry I become when I hear this--I want to know but do not know everything--one day I will.

Seeing his house, brought some clarity to who he was and what happened to me--but it does not provide the answer why me? I fear I know the answer but hearing it from him might help--others say it may make it worse. But seeing his home made me realize I cannot let him or anyone control me and make me feel like that child anymore. I also learned from being there, or maybe now accept abuse separates us from ourselves and we need to bring the whole together to truly be the person we should be.

People have offered to go with me when I decided to see him, but I chose to go on my own. If he had been home would I have approached him--I do not know. Him not being home at least allowed me to get some of the pain out without confronting him. My body took time to recover but I did feel a better sense of myself when I settled down.




Edited by KMCINVA (08/06/12 09:28 PM)

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#406046 - 08/06/12 09:21 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Charles,

My question would be, what would you do if you found him? Are you at a point in your recovery where you would be able to make an affirming, reasonable decision? Do you feel confident to begin legal proceedings against him? What is driving this need to find the abuser?

If it is that you are ready, do what you can to process this part of recovery, search the area, ask of your parents, school officials, police department of the area for any mention of the man you could describe.

I have found in recovery that I do not control the ways or means of it, it is it's own thing and it tells me what I can discover, process and breakthrough. If you are telling it, it may be that this could stagnate the recovery process.

You may be better off to deal with the local issues of disclosure to your parents, there is a wonderful article on the matter by our own Ken Singer. Then when you feel you have sufficient support, then you may wish to search.

As always, these suggestions are just that, feel free to think about them or dismiss them, the recovery is yours alone.

My best to you, fellow survivor,
Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#406047 - 08/06/12 09:21 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
Charles,

I went through a stage in which I was remembering stuff from my past. I was abused by a 17-year-old boy in Denver when I was 10. I didn't remember the year at first and so I reconstructed a time-line for my life by using my father's old records. I have his record of where we lived and when. It helped me to identify the time and place of other abuse I experienced.

I remembered what I thought was the name of the boy across the street. If you remember that much then write it down before you do the tracing of it.

I called the public library in Denver and hit pay dirt in the first call. The librarian found for me a City Directory for Denver for the year I when I was 10. (I didn't actually tell her what I was looking for). It listed the houses on the street where I lived by address number, and told who lived in them (by name) and how many children they had and their ages. It gave the employment of the father. From that information I was able to pin it down rapidly. The abuser was a teen-age-boy who introduced himself to me and my friend George as "Harvey". That was not his real name. It was the name of a rabbit. Since I knew more information, I was able to figure out the whole name. I traced it through the internet and found that he was in prison in Canyon City Colorado. My mother told me many years later after I started remembering abuse, that my childhood friend was in Canyon City prison also. My mother had a way of remembering important facts. So, my friend who had introduced me to the abuser also spent time in prison. This meant to me that he kept on being the helper of the perpetrator guy and that they both were convicted. I never followed up on this to find out how. They have since been released and moved to a different state.

That was enough information and so I let it rest.

A person could locate addresses and neighborhoods by looking in Google Map. It will show you an aerial photo of the area and you can pinpoint the address.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post405166

There are much better identification programs available now in the internet. All you have to do is type onto Google something like: Who is name name? Then you have to select from a list of several possibilities.

Puffer

P.S.
Several years after I remembered the abuse, I read a book about abuse in the Denver area which enabled me to trace the roots of abuse to men in a particular parochial high school in Denver. The book is The Tricky Part, by Martin (Marty) Moran. This is an excellent book. Moran as an adult many years later found his abuser and confronted him. This is one of the good stories of an abused boy later finding and confronting and forgiving an abuser. By that time his abuser was in California in a veteran's nursing home.

Martin Moran's abuser had been abused by a priest named White who had abused many, many boys. That priest had been convicted and imprisoned. So there was a chain of abusers: White abused Moran's abuser, who abused Moran. In my case, White abused the boys across the street and the 17-year-old became my abuser when I was 10. They were involved in the same parochial high school in Denver. Apparently the 17-year-old who called himself "Harvey" and who abused me, abused many other boys as he grew older. The importance of this is that it traces a chain of abuse from one man to many boys through several generations of abusers.

http://www.amazon.com/Tricky-Part-trespass-journey-forgiveness/dp/0307276538/





Edited by pufferfish (08/07/12 12:32 PM)

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#406052 - 08/06/12 10:31 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: pufferfish]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
The abuser had in turn been abused by another very flagrant abuser who had abused many, many boys. He was convicted and imprisoned. Apparently he was the abuser of the boys across the street from me when I was 10. If so, it traces the roots of abuse from one man to many boys through several generations of abusers.


i am beginning to think that there must have been a much wider circle or network of abuse than i knew in the community where i lived from 5 to 13. i was abused by boys my own ages and several years older - in school, at scouts, at the pool, and not all the same guys. for there to have been so much of that going on, there must have been something that caused it. i thought the adults around were ignoring it or seeing it and refusing to intervene, but maybe some of them were actually the perps behind the whole thing. and maybe my peer abusers were also victims.

i have done some research online to try and track some of them down. the coach is still present and respected in that town. of the 3 main bullies in my school, i was able to trace one and know for sure it was him. the other two i found likely links but no absolute proof that they are the same - just the right names and ages range. the step-father who was my longest-duration perp is dead. i'd never have confronted him anyway. the others i will not even attempt to confront. i felt triggered when i found the one "kid" and the coach. i don't want to put myself through more of that - and worse. it is enough for me to have proven to myself that it has a basis in fact and reality. i guess for some people it might be empowering - but i don't need to do that.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#406128 - 08/07/12 05:43 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey Charles,

When I first began to confront the truth of the abuse that happened to me, I became obsessed with killing the kid who hurt me. Sometimes I wasn't sure if killing him would be the right thing to do, but I wanted the option. I also wondered if he was in prison. I knew that his mom had been a storyteller, like a performer, and that she told stories sometimes at the university near my home. I found her name and number by calling the local public radio station, where she sometimes worked. I got her number, but I never called it. I was too wound up about it. I didn't know what I would do.

One part of me wants to make sure he can't hurt anyone else. But mostly I just want to deal with my own pain and get on with my life. I've given up on the dream of killing him, because I just can't see what good it would do. Honestly, I am a caring and good person who doesn't like to hurt people, but this motherfucker is a worthless piece of shit who would be better off dead. But I guess it's not up to me to do that job.

As for confronting him... I just don't see the point. I also don't see the point in telling my parents, who I think chose not to believe anything could be wrong. Nor do I think it's worth it to tell anyone else in my life, other than my wife. It's none of their business.

But as for tracking someone down, I can definitely see why you'd want to do it. I'm glad, for instance, that I found this asshole's mother's number, because it confirmed to me something. I'm not sure what. I guess it confirmed to me that he's real and that he does live somewhere, that sick bastard.

In fact, here's a great piece of journalism that explores this very subject: http://www.westword.com/2004-05-13/news/stalking-the-bogeyman/

I'm not sure that would offer advice one way or the other, except that I'd suggest you talk about this with a therapist.

Good luck. Keep healing. Take care.

Bob

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#406141 - 08/07/12 08:00 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
charlesxy Offline


Registered: 06/09/12
Posts: 30
Thanks all, once again.

Sasuva,

Where can I see that Ken Singer article?

Bob,

I won't lie: thoughts of revenge did enter my mind. However, I am somewhat of straight arrow and have never been busted for more than a few speeding tickets in my life, and I don't think this sick piece of shit is worth going to jail for. I guess I am also curious if he is doing something nowadays that would place him around kids.

The thing is I have no legal recourse for what happened to me since it happened so long ago, and the only way I would be able to begin to locate him is to ask my parents his last name, and that may prompt questions from them.

Bob, your comments once again make me doubt whether I should tell my parents.

However, I remember the abuser would tell me to "not tell my mommy" every time he was finished with me. By not telling my parents, it's like I am letting him win. Then again, telling them could risk creating more pain and a possible rift between my parents and I if they don't believe me. My mom too, I believe, tends to believe that nothing could be wrong, at least with her parenting skills.

Therein lies my dillema.

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#406145 - 08/07/12 08:07 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5775
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
You can see "Disclosure and Confrontation" at:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

Ken

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#406154 - 08/07/12 09:07 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
That is the article, Charles, cited in Ken Singer's reply. It is his article, btw. A must read, imho.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#406155 - 08/07/12 09:07 PM Re: Finding an Abuser [Re: charlesxy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
That is the article, Charles, cited in Ken Singer's reply. It is his article, btw. A must read, imho.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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