A

Most do not realize many times we were conditioned not to tell--if we did tell the perp told me I would be taken away and no one would believe me or if I did not do what he wanted he would go after my brother (and I fear he still did hurt him)or my family would be hurt. I wanted to tell but feared he would act on his words and sadly, I feared no one would believe me. Today I have heard several say it is not true but then there are the truly good people who stand by me and understand--You will find some people with good hearts.

I also believe once you tell someone they are not helping you heal they should have the decency to back off and realize they are causing further damage to you. It may be best to ignore them.

I did. It didn't change anything. In my family there was alcoholism, denial, lots of rules, and lots of roles. The organist was seen giving it to me and nothing happened. My mom and dad were sat down and told this is what we saw him doing to your son. They questioned me and still nothing happened. My brother raped me, took showers with me, and nothing was ever done. It was over looked. Never mentioned, like the violence and Dad's drinking. It just wasn't up for discussion, no matter what had to be endured. I know for a fact that my mother and father walked in on him and me in the bathroom and both of us with boners and they "had no idea anything was going on". Later on when I was molested by the organist, he would tell all his friends that I was sucking him, and that he was doing me, he would laugh and talk with me especially more than the other boys and adults. I remember one time my mother heard me laugh at one of his jokes and said I was "giggling like a schoolgirl". I begged not to have to go to "private" lessons and begged not to be dropped off saying, "Please, I just wanna go back home" but i got dumped off anyway. I was just a middle school slut, a prostitute for candy and games, not even real money. "PLEASEE....Just let me drive??? I promise not to choke this time"

I guess I am bitter. But you know I DID TELL THEM. They still didn't do a damn thing to stop it, to protect me, to help me deal with it, to survive it or to get over it. I am sorry Mom, hiding the knives was noble that one time, but the most damaging things weren't the abuses, they were the denial of my gay identity, and the subsequent abandonment by my family. Those issues were far longer lasting and far more damaging as I joined all of you in hating myself.

Thank you guys for the support, I can relate with a lot of your stories. This whole thing just sickens me, I'd say it's one of the hardest things to deal with, this question, but the truth is, everything about what happened is the hardest thing to deal with. I tell myself, "It's over, it's done. I'm okay now, it's not happening anymore, and never will again." But it happens every time something reminds me, and it haunts me everywhere everyday. It replays in my mind and in my dreams. I wish it was as simple as saying it's done and gone and just living today in the here and now.

It wasn't even on my radar screen until I was 51. Until then, I never really understood why my main goal since I was 12 was to die. People are just plain ignorant sometimes. And the answer to your godmother's question was, "No, I really could not have told."

God bless.

good stuff! I like what you guys wrote hir.

Goran

Like I always say...My dad never molested me, but set the perfect stage for my uncle to operate.

He was a rager. So much aggression and conflict there wasn't really a healthy forum
(or time) to disclose something such as this.

Also, like I told my mom, my uncle was a master manipulator. It wasn't always easy and sometimes pain was involved, but he made me feel special, he made me feel like it was almost normal...

I the end,I had no real defense, with such an immature mind.

I guess, I told in my own way, but you had to be listening...


Problem Child (AC/DC)

island

I got to say, I waited until I was 37 to say something.. I have asked and cried over this... Why didnt I say something?? Why O' why didnt I ? I guess because I was so young that I was scared too and then later I was ashamed of it.. The main thing is that I finally did say something and started healing

A shrink told me that "these things" (CSA episodes) typically blow up when "we" are in our late 30's or early 40's. I was 42. It's aggravating that we can't go back and tell somebody about it when it happened, but that's a grown-up's regret, not a child's fault. Peace!

John

RIIIIISE FROM YOUR GRAAAAVE

My T has said based on what I do recall and my behavior / body language in discussing it that the perp must have threatened me and I just don't remember. The whole aftermath is a blank; my clothing was drenched in water and unwearable (why I was undressed in the first place) but obviously somehow I got through the rest of the school day (somewhere, doing something) and was seen at home by my parents without raising suspicion. Maybe (pure supposition, no evidence) he left me there naked and took my clothes to a laundromat - only would have taken 40-ish mins to dry them and I sure would have stayed where I was put since I was naked in the school bathroom stall.

Later it didn't feel real or like it had really happened to me instead of being something I'd just watched happen. And by the time I was sure it was real, 4 years later, there were other crisis issues hurting my family and I didn't want to make them sadder.