I am a fractal, fragmented into different “me’s” inside, seen as different “me’s” on the outside.
Each event created a new part of me. Each event added a dimension, left frozen in that moment of cruelty that never leaves my mind.
Events will always be part of who I am, I cannot change that.
I see snapshots of those moments where evil found me, snapshots taken though the lens of my own eyes. Snapshots that never let me forget. They are reminders of what happened, of what “they” thought of me.
Reminders of judgments put on me by a world that does not know the truth of my life, a world that makes assumptions because I cannot share.
Snapshots of what others did not see and snapshots of those who turned away. Maybe my protectors did not want to see, maybe they could not understand.
My protectors left me to fight alone back then, but I know now that I was never alone.
Had good people known, they would have helped me but I could not tell them about the others. I was afraid to loose the good people. The bad people said to me that I would if I told, and I believed their lies.
I am a fractal. Parts of me are 6 years old, 9 years old, 11 years old, teenager and adult – young still but old before my time.
I have no age, not really…chronology doesn’t matter. It is not me, because I am still a fractal.
My image of myself is of the greatest and smallest measurements of time, of events I could not control. Events I do not understand. My youth will not let me understand, and my older one doesn’t care to try.
My older one was born when I was 6, when too much of my innocence died on that day, when it started. It played on for years and plays on still, as new ones try to use me in my real life, but I am fighting now.
My image of self comes from three worlds.
Two are in the natural world; one of my life because of them - the predators, and one of my life unseen at home, school, work, everywhere.
I see one image is in the spiritual world, the 4th dimension where Angels and demons exist. I can go there now to fight them. I will not do so unless told to go there again by the Spirit.
The Spirit must be with me as I cannot fight them there alone. I fear that place. We do not belong there but He is strong and will fight with me if I must return.
I am still a fractal. This “me” on the outside still cannot show the world who I am on the inside, what I have lived through. The world does not know that I am learning now to be a survivor.
Because I still cannot tell the world of this other me, it does not understand.
I understand this much. I have made stupid decisions and I accept responsibility for them. Because of that I am now redeemed and forgiven.
I am down in this moment because I am afraid “they” will find me once more, if I tell to much of my story and to much of who I am.
I am afraid because they still know who I am, and I do not know who they are. All strangers, they could be anyone.
I am down and afraid now, but I will get up again.
People do not understand. They will.
I will reshape the fractal into who I was always meant to be. I am not bad, not at fault.
I am becoming a survivor but inside I still hurt too much sometimes.
I will get up again and keep going when I am strong enough.
If I stay down it lets “them” win.
My little one is sleeping safe inside now. He has fought enough of this battle alone and needs to rest.
My fractal youth has taken over, guided by the Spirit. He is all grown up now, still inexperienced but strong enough to fight back. The older one will join when his time comes.
I am still a fractal and always will be. It is who I am because of my past, but my past no longer defines my future. I have broken that chain and it will never be put on me again.
I am in pain but I know my battle is already won…I am becoming stronger as a survivor everyday.
Can you see me now? Do you understand now why I am who I am?
Edited by BuffaloCO (10/17/12 04:05 PM)
Lao Tzu said: "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."