I was wondering how other survivors have felt after disclosing their SA to friends and/or familiy members -- and how those relationsihps changed, if they changed.

I made two disclosures shortly after I ended the abuse. One was to a friend who was two years younger and a student at the same school where my abuser taught. I told him because I considered him at risk and needed to warn him. The second person I told was a girl I was dating at the time. I had a very hard time being intimate with her and one night I drunkenly disclosed to her. In neither case did I feel any better. My relationship with my friend deteriorated and my relationship with the girl didn't work out (though she is one of my best friends to this day).

After those two disclosures I stayed quiet for more than 20 years. And then during the Sandusky trial, I decided to finally start dealing with the abuse. I disclosed to my sister two months ago. I called first to warn her that I would be sending her a painful email, and then I wrote her my story. I could not tell her in person or over the phone. She called me back after reading the email and we had a very long, tearful conversation. I have to say it was quite liberating, and I feel much better that someone in my close family finally knows what happened.

Buoyed by that, I told my closest friend today. This is a friend who I've known literally my whole life. Some of my earliest memories are of playing with him before even starting kindergarten. Though I consider him a brother, my shame prevented me from ever telling him what happened to me. Today I finally mustered the courage to tell him. As with my sister, I could not do it over the phone, so I did it in a series of text messages. His response shocked me. He dislcosed that he too was sexually abused, though at a much earlier age.

That was a stunning revelation for both of us. We were both so caught up in our own cycles of shame and self-blame that we were terrified of letting the other know the truth. We were afraid of how the other would react. Too bad we didn't have the courage to disclose to each other earlier. We might not have spent so many lonely years together.

I wanted to post this because these two disclosures have really lifted my spirits. I post infrequently here, but when I do it's rarely encouraging stuff. And I wanted to share what I consider good news. I'm apprehensive going forward though as I don't know how these relationships will evolve now that this information is known and the topic open for discussion.

Does anyone else have disclosure stories they want to share and maybe relate how those relationships change ... or not change?

2 of the first 3 guys I disclosed my abuse to were also sexually abused as kids

My first “best friend” was at age 11. I trusted him with secrets that I had told no one else. He blabbed to others and betrayed me into the hands of the gang of bullies that made my life hell from the end of 5th grade through all of 6th and 7th grades. They became my constant tormentors because they saw me as an easy target. My “friend” went over to the “dark side” and joined them against me.

My next best friend was a classmate who was also low on the pecking order – I was the bottom – and he was just above me, but didn’t take advantage of that fact. We were isolated by our outcast/scapegoat status and clung to one another out of loneliness and desperation. He knew about the abuse and bullying at school because he lived it with me – though what they did to him wasn’t sexual in nature. We didn’t really talk about my CSA though – it was just understood. That friendship ended because my parents did not approve of his family’s social and income level.

My third best friend was in high school. We were about 16 and hung out at his after school job at a filling station or at his house. My house was not a place I could bring friends. I never told about the CSA – just the physical and verbal abuse. I had “forgotten” the CSA by this time. And I told about the other stuff in a tone of bravado – like – look how tough I am – not allowing myself to be vulnerable until I could gauge his reaction. When he responded with guarded sympathy, I did let him know that it bothered me more than at first. This friendship lasted until he got a girlfriend in our senior year and started spending all his time with her. I understood that and both envied him for having a girlfriend – and was jealous that he spent all his time with her.

I had a best friend in college. I was his best man twice – once during the summer between sophomore and Junior hears – and later (after his wife died less than a year after they were married) again the summer after graduation. Marriage and graduation and jobs & homes in different parts of the country put distance between us. We still stay in touch – but are not as close. I told him about some of the step-father issues – but not the CSA part and about being molested at 15-16 by a stranger – but not about how deeply it had affected me. Actually – I didn’t know at that time how much it had affected me. i hope to tell him lots more when i see him next summer.

My only best friend as an adult after college was a guy who confided in me about his abuse. He was quite open about it. He over-compensated for his self-image by becoming a playboy/don Juan type of promiscuous conqueror of women. I confided my abuse to him and sort of secretly admired his “success” or exploits with women because I was the opposite – insecure and fearful. He used the information from my confessions to undermine my marriage and attempt to seduce my wife.

I haven’t really made any close friends in the last 20 years.

And I never told anyone again until I was forced into a corner by my wife’s discovery of my secret use of online porn and her insistence that I get professional help. Then I told her and the therapist. It has been a mixed result with my wife. Some good empathy and support but also some additional confusion, difficulty trying to help her understand at a time that I don’t have the energy or clarity of mind to make sense of it myself. And dealing with her hurt, anger and impatience with my “slow” progress has been hard. (actually – my T and I think I’m making pretty good progress – but…)

I told one other friend since I was in therapy – and that has so far been a good thing. It was around Christmas and we haven’t talked about that topic again since then – but it doesn’t seem to have changed the relationship for the worse.

Probly more than you wanted – but I was writing this about the subject of friends – and it just seemed to fit here.

Lee

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My best friend since high school (35 years +) He was also abused as a child. We disclosed to each other about 10 years ago. We live in the same town and talk at least once a day, sometimes more to get the shit out of our heads.

-Jim