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#406929 - 08/15/12 06:19 PM Why didn't you just tell?
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
I was talking to my godmother and something she said really got me upset. She said, "Well why didn't you just tell someone? You could've could you not?" And she was almost blaming me for being abused because I didn't speak up. This is one of the worst things to hear, because it makes me feel horrible. But it's not as simple as just telling someone, especially while the abuse is still happening. I would've rather DIED than anybody ever knowing what was going on. I felt filthy, disgusting, like I was a freak. Why would I ever tell? I was so ashamed, that's the last thing I ever wanted was for someone to find out. That while other kids at school were at home studying, doing homework, and hanging out with their friends, I was at home being raped by my own blood. I was raped in the ass, forced to swallow cum, and all kinds of things, I was just an object of sex, I was the filthiest of filthy. From the age of 9, I told myself UNDOUBTEDLY I would KILL myself if anyone EVER found out. I was caught once and I was about to run away and kill myself, the feeling such shame such abomination I just wanted to die right then and there. But it was sickeningly easy to convince them nothing happened, they didn't even question me! THEY JUST ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED! NOBODY in my family did ANYTHING to stop it, even though I was caught and almost caught many times, it was blindingly obvious something was going on. My family swept it under the carpet in denial. Even if I did muster up the courage for me to tell what was happening they wouldn't do anything (Not even courage, it would have to be blind stupidity, nothing could make me tell). But in fact I did once tell my mom that I hated my cousin and I never wanted to see him again, but she kept having him come over. I was hopeless. I just had to take it. Telling was NOT an option, ever. They don't understand how fucked up I am because of it, they say well look at your sister look how good she did. Well I was robbed of everything, and I'm only now just able to start doing things now. I JUST got out of this hell, I only JUST got to tell, and I only JUST started therapy, what the hell do they expect from me? They're blind to what I went through, they can't understand that I'm SO far behind mentally, and they expect me to be an adult when I was never a kid. I feel like I'm just shit, like I'm broken, I don't have any control over anything, I have no security. Like this whole world is a black hole and is ready to swallow me whole.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#406931 - 08/15/12 06:27 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1715
It is because of those reactions we do not tell. Fear we will be judged and the shame and guilt we feel will be amplified. Your grandmother's intentions were probably good but the delivery can sometimes be very unsettling--at the same time she was probably feeling her own guilt that she was not there for you.

I told late in life and I heard let's get the money from the church--their concern was money for themselves not by well being, nothing about my shame, guilt and hurt--it destroys and makes the healing more difficult. I think I would have rather heard your grandmother's words. I always felt shame, guilt and hurt and let or led myself to abusive situations--where I would be the one being made fun of, pushed away from a table, spat on and so much more. Why, it is all I thought i deserved. But now I know I deserve much more in life--so do you.

Others cannot or do not want to understand--so put yourself first.

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#406932 - 08/15/12 06:27 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
JoeUniverseHP Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
As it says in the Survivors of Incest Anonymous readings, incest can be a family dynamic. You are doing great by being here and being honest, sometimes there is a lot of denial with family.

Of course it was so hard for me to tell anyone, I did not tell my mother I was molested by my teacher until I was 18...I used it to blackmail her emotionally so that I could get out of the house and not have her guilt trip me about it.

Anyway...I feel your pain, to me that seems very insensitive of your Godmother...Clearly she doesn't appreciate some of the sensitive dynamics and hardships that come with being a survivor.

Joe

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#406939 - 08/15/12 07:34 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Such phrases are incredibly abusive. It was the responsibility of your parents, your cousins parents and other adults to SEE what was happening, to monitor and protect you. A 9 year old should not be left on his own and have to shout from the rooftops what's being done to him in order to get help. Clearly, conditions which you didn't make or decide yourself made it so that you couldn't tell. That was the same case for me. I had no one to tell about the people outside of my immediate family that abused me, because my parents sexually abused me at a young age and taught me to take it in silence.

No one has any place pressuring you to 'hurry up' and it is sick to compare you to your sister and find you wanting. After everything you've been through, just being alive is an achievement, just making a little progress here and there. No one has any place judging you as if none of this ever happened.

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#406941 - 08/15/12 07:49 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3451
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i totally understand and agree with you, Cloudy!

for me - at home it was the step-father who was the abuser - so who do i tell? Mom was too busy keeping him happy to even notice me - and ignored all the evidence even when it hit her in the face.

at school - the power elite were the perps - the popular, influential jocks - and in the eyes of everyone - they could do no wrong. i know some of the teachers knew something was wrong - but did nothing.

we lived hundreds of miles from my real father's family and i had no way to contact them - barely knew them in fact.

police - what's that? i don't remember even seeing one until i was in my teens. and i wouldn't have dared approach one. and this was before the days of 911 and emergency hot lines.

church? nuh-uh! step-father was a big man there, too. and i'd have been the sinner for even thinking or talking about anything so dirty as sex or perverted as what they were doing to me.

sometimes people can be such blind, stupid idiots - trying to justify their own negligence and shirking of responsibililty.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT NO ONE KNEW OR INTERVENED!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#406948 - 08/15/12 08:20 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
As is often true lately, Lee (traveler) and I are on the same page. Lots of factors, including the mother/step-dad dynamic. In my case, a nightly verbal tag team at the dinner table. And the shame I was bringing on them because they suspected I was a homo...this was the 70s (and at least their suspicions were correct!).

The perp himself was a big factor. Department head who had my classes and college plans in his hands, and bigwig in the church. He used my sexual identity disclosure against me. What did this arrogant, sick manipulator have to lose? He was married with kids.

And, well, at 15-16 I didn't know - let alone feel - I could do anything about it or tell anyone. I was too scared and intimidated to even begin to think in those terms. Never even occurred to me.

I'll reiterate what Lee said...THE SA WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

(Interesting, too, that years later the people who were in denial about everything demonstrated they were completely incapable of dealing with me adult-to-adult...and, with that, I ended the relationship).

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#406951 - 08/15/12 08:53 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Tell who? I didn't think anyone would care. To many saw me and yet didn't.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#406955 - 08/15/12 10:39 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
ANDREW63 Offline


Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi Coudy, I can totally relate to what you are saying :How could I tell ? i know i couldn't tell anyone. How could i of told my family that the head of our family MY GRANDFATHER was molesting and raping me from the time i was 8 years old until i was 11 years old ,even now 40 years later i cannot bring myself to disclose to my parents it would kill my dad to find out what his father did to me .I have only now had the courage to disclose to my youngest sister who has been a massive support for me .I hope and prey that we all can someday have someone that we can trust to tell ,cheers Andrew.


Edited by ANDREW63 (08/15/12 10:40 PM)
_________________________
LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

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#406958 - 08/15/12 10:45 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
My parents were drunks. I couldn't tell them anything, much less about the abuse. Who else could I tell...no one. I was totally alone.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#406959 - 08/15/12 10:45 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
My parents were drunks. I couldn't tell them anything, much less about the abuse. Who else could I tell...no one. I was totally alone.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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