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#406929 - 08/15/12 06:19 PM Why didn't you just tell?
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
I was talking to my godmother and something she said really got me upset. She said, "Well why didn't you just tell someone? You could've could you not?" And she was almost blaming me for being abused because I didn't speak up. This is one of the worst things to hear, because it makes me feel horrible. But it's not as simple as just telling someone, especially while the abuse is still happening. I would've rather DIED than anybody ever knowing what was going on. I felt filthy, disgusting, like I was a freak. Why would I ever tell? I was so ashamed, that's the last thing I ever wanted was for someone to find out. That while other kids at school were at home studying, doing homework, and hanging out with their friends, I was at home being raped by my own blood. I was raped in the ass, forced to swallow cum, and all kinds of things, I was just an object of sex, I was the filthiest of filthy. From the age of 9, I told myself UNDOUBTEDLY I would KILL myself if anyone EVER found out. I was caught once and I was about to run away and kill myself, the feeling such shame such abomination I just wanted to die right then and there. But it was sickeningly easy to convince them nothing happened, they didn't even question me! THEY JUST ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED! NOBODY in my family did ANYTHING to stop it, even though I was caught and almost caught many times, it was blindingly obvious something was going on. My family swept it under the carpet in denial. Even if I did muster up the courage for me to tell what was happening they wouldn't do anything (Not even courage, it would have to be blind stupidity, nothing could make me tell). But in fact I did once tell my mom that I hated my cousin and I never wanted to see him again, but she kept having him come over. I was hopeless. I just had to take it. Telling was NOT an option, ever. They don't understand how fucked up I am because of it, they say well look at your sister look how good she did. Well I was robbed of everything, and I'm only now just able to start doing things now. I JUST got out of this hell, I only JUST got to tell, and I only JUST started therapy, what the hell do they expect from me? They're blind to what I went through, they can't understand that I'm SO far behind mentally, and they expect me to be an adult when I was never a kid. I feel like I'm just shit, like I'm broken, I don't have any control over anything, I have no security. Like this whole world is a black hole and is ready to swallow me whole.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#406931 - 08/15/12 06:27 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1708
It is because of those reactions we do not tell. Fear we will be judged and the shame and guilt we feel will be amplified. Your grandmother's intentions were probably good but the delivery can sometimes be very unsettling--at the same time she was probably feeling her own guilt that she was not there for you.

I told late in life and I heard let's get the money from the church--their concern was money for themselves not by well being, nothing about my shame, guilt and hurt--it destroys and makes the healing more difficult. I think I would have rather heard your grandmother's words. I always felt shame, guilt and hurt and let or led myself to abusive situations--where I would be the one being made fun of, pushed away from a table, spat on and so much more. Why, it is all I thought i deserved. But now I know I deserve much more in life--so do you.

Others cannot or do not want to understand--so put yourself first.

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#406932 - 08/15/12 06:27 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
JoeUniverseHP Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
As it says in the Survivors of Incest Anonymous readings, incest can be a family dynamic. You are doing great by being here and being honest, sometimes there is a lot of denial with family.

Of course it was so hard for me to tell anyone, I did not tell my mother I was molested by my teacher until I was 18...I used it to blackmail her emotionally so that I could get out of the house and not have her guilt trip me about it.

Anyway...I feel your pain, to me that seems very insensitive of your Godmother...Clearly she doesn't appreciate some of the sensitive dynamics and hardships that come with being a survivor.

Joe

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#406939 - 08/15/12 07:34 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Such phrases are incredibly abusive. It was the responsibility of your parents, your cousins parents and other adults to SEE what was happening, to monitor and protect you. A 9 year old should not be left on his own and have to shout from the rooftops what's being done to him in order to get help. Clearly, conditions which you didn't make or decide yourself made it so that you couldn't tell. That was the same case for me. I had no one to tell about the people outside of my immediate family that abused me, because my parents sexually abused me at a young age and taught me to take it in silence.

No one has any place pressuring you to 'hurry up' and it is sick to compare you to your sister and find you wanting. After everything you've been through, just being alive is an achievement, just making a little progress here and there. No one has any place judging you as if none of this ever happened.

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#406941 - 08/15/12 07:49 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i totally understand and agree with you, Cloudy!

for me - at home it was the step-father who was the abuser - so who do i tell? Mom was too busy keeping him happy to even notice me - and ignored all the evidence even when it hit her in the face.

at school - the power elite were the perps - the popular, influential jocks - and in the eyes of everyone - they could do no wrong. i know some of the teachers knew something was wrong - but did nothing.

we lived hundreds of miles from my real father's family and i had no way to contact them - barely knew them in fact.

police - what's that? i don't remember even seeing one until i was in my teens. and i wouldn't have dared approach one. and this was before the days of 911 and emergency hot lines.

church? nuh-uh! step-father was a big man there, too. and i'd have been the sinner for even thinking or talking about anything so dirty as sex or perverted as what they were doing to me.

sometimes people can be such blind, stupid idiots - trying to justify their own negligence and shirking of responsibililty.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT NO ONE KNEW OR INTERVENED!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#406948 - 08/15/12 08:20 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
As is often true lately, Lee (traveler) and I are on the same page. Lots of factors, including the mother/step-dad dynamic. In my case, a nightly verbal tag team at the dinner table. And the shame I was bringing on them because they suspected I was a homo...this was the 70s (and at least their suspicions were correct!).

The perp himself was a big factor. Department head who had my classes and college plans in his hands, and bigwig in the church. He used my sexual identity disclosure against me. What did this arrogant, sick manipulator have to lose? He was married with kids.

And, well, at 15-16 I didn't know - let alone feel - I could do anything about it or tell anyone. I was too scared and intimidated to even begin to think in those terms. Never even occurred to me.

I'll reiterate what Lee said...THE SA WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

(Interesting, too, that years later the people who were in denial about everything demonstrated they were completely incapable of dealing with me adult-to-adult...and, with that, I ended the relationship).

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#406951 - 08/15/12 08:53 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 428
Loc: USA
Tell who? I didn't think anyone would care. To many saw me and yet didn't.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#406955 - 08/15/12 10:39 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
ANDREW63 Offline


Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 164
Loc: Australia
Hi Coudy, I can totally relate to what you are saying :How could I tell ? i know i couldn't tell anyone. How could i of told my family that the head of our family MY GRANDFATHER was molesting and raping me from the time i was 8 years old until i was 11 years old ,even now 40 years later i cannot bring myself to disclose to my parents it would kill my dad to find out what his father did to me .I have only now had the courage to disclose to my youngest sister who has been a massive support for me .I hope and prey that we all can someday have someone that we can trust to tell ,cheers Andrew.


Edited by ANDREW63 (08/15/12 10:40 PM)
_________________________
LOOK AT ME NOW I AM A SURVIVOR !My inner child and I are now doing this together !

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#406958 - 08/15/12 10:45 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1557
Loc: New England
My parents were drunks. I couldn't tell them anything, much less about the abuse. Who else could I tell...no one. I was totally alone.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#406959 - 08/15/12 10:45 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1557
Loc: New England
My parents were drunks. I couldn't tell them anything, much less about the abuse. Who else could I tell...no one. I was totally alone.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#407054 - 08/17/12 04:24 AM a [Re: CloudyFalls]
lbcali1978 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217
A


Edited by lbcali1978 (04/16/13 06:04 AM)
_________________________
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it

Alone

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#407065 - 08/17/12 09:11 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1708
Most do not realize many times we were conditioned not to tell--if we did tell the perp told me I would be taken away and no one would believe me or if I did not do what he wanted he would go after my brother (and I fear he still did hurt him)or my family would be hurt. I wanted to tell but feared he would act on his words and sadly, I feared no one would believe me. Today I have heard several say it is not true but then there are the truly good people who stand by me and understand--You will find some people with good hearts.

I also believe once you tell someone they are not helping you heal they should have the decency to back off and realize they are causing further damage to you. It may be best to ignore them.

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#407091 - 08/17/12 12:23 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:59 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#407358 - 08/20/12 10:56 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
Thank you guys for the support, I can relate with a lot of your stories. This whole thing just sickens me, I'd say it's one of the hardest things to deal with, this question, but the truth is, everything about what happened is the hardest thing to deal with. I tell myself, "It's over, it's done. I'm okay now, it's not happening anymore, and never will again." But it happens every time something reminds me, and it haunts me everywhere everyday. It replays in my mind and in my dreams. I wish it was as simple as saying it's done and gone and just living today in the here and now.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#407369 - 08/21/12 12:43 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
It wasn't even on my radar screen until I was 51. Until then, I never really understood why my main goal since I was 12 was to die. People are just plain ignorant sometimes. And the answer to your godmother's question was, "No, I really could not have told."

God bless.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#407371 - 08/21/12 12:52 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: KMCINVA]
Sterling Offline


Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 278
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
good stuff! I like what you guys wrote hir.

Goran

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#407417 - 08/21/12 01:05 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Like I always say...My dad never molested me, but set the perfect stage for my uncle to operate.

He was a rager. So much aggression and conflict there wasn't really a healthy forum
(or time) to disclose something such as this.

Also, like I told my mom, my uncle was a master manipulator. It wasn't always easy and sometimes pain was involved, but he made me feel special, he made me feel like it was almost normal...

I the end,I had no real defense, with such an immature mind.

I guess, I told in my own way, but you had to be listening...


Problem Child (AC/DC)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#407473 - 08/21/12 08:34 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I got to say, I waited until I was 37 to say something.. I have asked and cried over this... Why didnt I say something?? Why O' why didnt I ? I guess because I was so young that I was scared too and then later I was ashamed of it.. The main thing is that I finally did say something and started healing
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407478 - 08/21/12 08:59 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 616
Loc: VA
A shrink told me that "these things" (CSA episodes) typically blow up when "we" are in our late 30's or early 40's. I was 42. It's aggravating that we can't go back and tell somebody about it when it happened, but that's a grown-up's regret, not a child's fault. Peace!

John

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#417745 - 11/30/12 09:40 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: unhappycamper]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
RIIIIISE FROM YOUR GRAAAAVE

My T has said based on what I do recall and my behavior / body language in discussing it that the perp must have threatened me and I just don't remember. The whole aftermath is a blank; my clothing was drenched in water and unwearable (why I was undressed in the first place) but obviously somehow I got through the rest of the school day (somewhere, doing something) and was seen at home by my parents without raising suspicion. Maybe (pure supposition, no evidence) he left me there naked and took my clothes to a laundromat - only would have taken 40-ish mins to dry them and I sure would have stayed where I was put since I was naked in the school bathroom stall.

Later it didn't feel real or like it had really happened to me instead of being something I'd just watched happen. And by the time I was sure it was real, 4 years later, there were other crisis issues hurting my family and I didn't want to make them sadder.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#417752 - 11/30/12 10:51 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: unhappycamper]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 735
Loc: Southeast USA
.
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#417759 - 11/30/12 11:50 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
While I am sure others have covered quite a bit I can only share why I didn't tell for three years - because I was 4-7 year old boy who had no idea what trauma he had been subjected to and was made to feel even more guilty about it by my perp. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Period.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#417762 - 11/30/12 12:02 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 616
Loc: VA
Even after 18 years of flashbacks, I don't remember if I told, if anyone found out, if there was any legal or medical consequence--I don't remember anything that might have happened after I rolled onto my back and found he was gone.

John

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#417766 - 11/30/12 01:55 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1383
Why didn't I tell? It's all about secrets, that's why. It's ALL about secrets. Asking why we didn't tell is the wrong question. If any question needs to be posed, it should from us: "Why didn't you ask?"
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#417767 - 11/30/12 02:37 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
tulula Offline


Registered: 11/30/12
Posts: 3
Loc: midwest
My bf came forward recently in an effort to stop his father from continuing the very long and tragic string of abuse onto his nephews. Now that the scum bag is behind bars he feels comfortable enough to talk about going to therapy. J(bf) and have been dating for 5 months. I know that doesn't seem like a long time and it isn't.
I am the first girlfriend he has been open with about the abuse, and there are a MILLION questions I want to ask but I don't want to alienate him or make him feel like I am inspecting like a judge at a dog show, considering the short length of time we have been together. But I have found myself at this point in our relationship where I can't wrap my head around why he didn't come forward sooner. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse but it occurred much later in my life and only once. It was an isolated event and I know it's wrong to compare the two but it's hard to see past my own anxiety of fight or fight, wanting to burn this monster who hurt him, not upsetting him further by my own emotions and on top of it all being patient enough to hear and understand him without bombarding him with questions.

Suwanee, thank you for your story. It gives me hope that I'm not screwing anything up by not asking "why didn't you tell someone?".
_________________________
Tulula

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#417774 - 11/30/12 03:19 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I didn't tell for a number of reasons, probably the biggest of which is that I didn't understand that I could. You know, the words "rape" and "molestation" are one thing. The reality is something else. And the idea--the version that appears in Websters or something--is never the same as what actually happens, especially when we never like to look at things with clear eyes in our culture. The neighbor/babysitter who molested me told me that it was fun. It wasn't fun. It hurt. It was humiliating and terrifying. But he said it was fun. He told me that this is what people do, that this was how we'd get ready to have sex with girls. He told me that I liked it. Sometimes, while that shit was happening, I laughed. And yet I was so scared. I felt like he might kill me. And it hurt me, physically and emotionally and psychologically. I was just a piece of meat to him, and I had no idea how to deal with that. I was a piece of meat, and he used me. And I felt humiliated and utterly dirty. And so, no, I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't know that what happened to me was rape. Well, there was a part of me that knew, but I didn't want to believe it. I was scared that it was true. I was scared that I'd become a child-molester. But if my mind ever thought of what happened to me, I just turned my head away and tried to bury the thought. I was ashamed and scared, and I just wanted that reality to go away. That's why I never told someone. When I finally opened my mouth, what I said was, "Fucked up shit went down at.... when I was a kid." That was actually the word I used. Not rape. Not child abuse. Fucked up shit. And that's the truth. That was the phrase that I had in my mind for what had happened. I literally lacked the language to tell! And I also knew... I swore... that I would take my secret to the grave. And I would have if those secrets and the terrible way I dealt with them hadn't blown up in my life about four years ago.

So, no, what your godmother said was hurtful, wrong, misinformed, and destructive. But I'm glad you posted about it, because that's a common sentiment out there in the world, where so many people would rather blame the victim, would rather pretend that this sort of thing doesn't happen.

Well, hey, motherfuckers, this does happen! And it is HIGH TIME THAT IT STOPPED!

Bob

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#417892 - 12/01/12 09:51 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1264
Loc: Northern Ohio
Bob, you put that whole concept into words so well!!
_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#417897 - 12/01/12 10:30 PM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: CloudyFalls]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 184
Loc: Puget Sound
As a toddler what are you supposed to say? What reference do you have to compare what’s being done to you? In my case when everyone knew, no one did a thing, my father a very devout man basically said it was gods will that his father did me; how are you supposed to deal with this as a 4 year old; let alone at any age? I answer this listening to “dirty blvd”, just where I belong, dirty blvd; dead or dying. It’s so hard to live with yourself, you can see yourself just fading away, and don’t care, just take me in my sleep please; I just need peace please, I’m so tired of fighting, and don’t care anymore, if don’t wake up tomorrow someone listened to my prayers.
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#417908 - 12/02/12 03:47 AM Re: Why didn't you just tell? [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Suwanee
No, I'm not telling anyone about that at age 13.

Sorry about the ending rant.

Will


Will - don't be sorry for the rant - i hope it helped to express it. instead, be sorry for the boy that even knew that those things were possible.

and - NO - it is not possible to tell these things at age 13 - except in VERY unusual circumstances. or at 14 or 16 or... even less at 11 or 9 or 7 or... Obviously none of us were in those circumstances - because here we all are now, collecting on secret deposits in a secret account that kept on accruing compound interest.

Lee


Edited by traveler (12/02/12 03:49 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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