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#406892 - 08/15/12 11:42 AM When will the other shoe drop???
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
My husband is almost 9 months sexually sober, regularly attends two sex addiction anonymous groups a week, meets with a therapist who specializes in CSA and sex addiction twice a month, meets with our pastors once a month, disclosed his story to his parents and our pastors, has a sponsor he meets with and just presented his "first step story" to his SAA group.

I should be really happy that he's so fully embracing recovery, and I do see some major changes in his personality - being able to relax, talk, recognize when he can't identify his feelings, etc.

However, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm still looking through our garbages trying to find evidence of acting out. I'm still checking the computers, I'm still hyper-vigilant about lights that are turned on or off, things being moved or misplaced... anything that might suggest he's acting out. I can't have sex with him and I can't fully love him right now because I'm waiting for the relapse.

This is the second time around for us. The first was when I discovered horrific, weird pornography 4 years ago. We met with our pastors and over time I thought the situation had resolved. We all figured it was a porn addiction and that was it. Now, just 9 months ago, I find out that the root of all this is his CSA, and he's been acting out, etc... Now we're getting help again and I'm still waiting for "the rest of the story" or something.

I feel like I can't relax, I can't move on. I'm stuck. I'm completely asexual around him. I don't know what it's going to take to give in and be hopeful again. Every day I wake up with dread in my stomach that there will be a new disclosure.

I can't even handle his affection for me. If he kisses me, I don't want to kiss back. I feel like somehow that would be letting him off the hook. I don't know.

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#406916 - 08/15/12 03:16 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
After my husband's first confessed infidelity years ago, I couldn't really have sex with him for a year following.

Right now, given everything else I now know, after he came forward to family and friends about his abuse which I also discovered his emotional affair, I have been suffering the exact same symptoms you described. Someone posted this article in the forum a month or so ago:

http://66.199.228.237/boundary/SA/spouse.pdf

It discusses how wives of sexual addicts may suffer from post-traumatic stress. And sister - they ain't freakin' kidding. As awful as it is to read that article, it was a comfort to know I wasn't losing my mind. Although really, I kind of was...

I cried my way through the entire article and then brought it with me to me new therapist. Luckily, my therapist had thought as much and my treatment plan follows that of traumatic event recovery.

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#406922 - 08/15/12 04:19 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
At some point though, if you do want to recover from this and salvage your marriage, you are going to have to accept that what has passed is passed.

Accept whatever infidelity he confesses to and know that it is what he is doing now that is important. It sounds like he is really putting in the work to recover.

What have you done for yourself to recover? Are you in therapy?

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#406935 - 08/15/12 07:10 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Have you gone to the sex addicts anonymous spouses meetings? S'anon or Cosa? They have helped me so much. They have given me a group who understands exactly the issues and pain I feel.

I tried to send you a pm but it says you aren't accepting pm's. I have experienced the sme things as you and would like to share more.

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#406938 - 08/15/12 07:29 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Hi Lucylives - I will fix that so we can chat.

I went to twice monthly sanon meetings. At first, when the crisis hit, it was helpful. We have a small group - at most 6 people show up and that is rare. I stopped going because my husband was the only one actively in recovery, so the meetings felt like big, sad occasions where everyone told their saddest moments and all the failures and hopelessness. I rarely found it uplifting.

I also tried a private therapy group for spouses of sex addicts. I liked it, but it focused a lot on codependency and childhood issues. I felt I was getting to understand myself better. Then, the group was cancelled four sessions in a row for lack of participation, so I quit going. I got tired of getting hyped up and working out babysitters for a group that got cancelled.

I see my husband's therapist occasionally with my husband, and I like those sessions. I have a name of a private therapist that works with the spouses of my husband's therapists' patients. I just haven't made the call yet. I keep thinking that I just need to keep moving forward.

The reason I posted this was to get some suggestions, I guess. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I don't think it is right, or good, or helpful. I just can't seem to crawl out of it and just LIVE and BE HAPPY and BE THANKFUL!

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#406944 - 08/15/12 08:11 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
With ya there, sister. I cannot stand feeling like this. I used to be happy. I was quick to laugh, make jokes, help others...

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#406981 - 08/16/12 02:22 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Silentspouse.

I tell you that I'm so happy that your H is doing all that he can to heal, its great.
Now you.
You need to realize and brace yourself for the small setbacks that Might come in his healing journey. In AA we call it research, when people relapse.
You need to try and understand that ITS NOT PERSONAL, he is not doing this to hurt you. He is confused and hurting and trying to cope.
I really hope that you are in treatment or in a group. You also need to heal from this.
One of the common happenings is, the husband heals relatively quickly, (Sometimes) and the wife has not dealt with the damage that she has been on the receiving end off. The husband is then trying to be a nice guy and make right for the past, but all the wife sees is evil and the same person that she has always seen. The husband then becomes confused and feels that nothing he does will ever be good enough.

It is the hardest thing to let go of the past, but it is essential. We cannot change the past but we can change the future, allow us to do that.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#407000 - 08/16/12 02:59 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Whome - the situation you described above I think is correct. He's doing good, I'm the same bitter person.

He says, "You look pretty today."
I say, "Any woman within 20 feet of you looks good to you."

He says, "I love you."
I say, "That's a lie - you may love me, but there's plenty you love more than me."

I feel like a baby or a spoiled brat. I just can't move on for any length of time. Not even sure if I want to most days. He's seen everything on his porn. He finds a special sexual satisfaction in activity that has nothing to do with me. He has lied so much, hidden so much...

I think all this is hitting hard because I'm leaving this weekend with our daughter to Girl Scout camp and he'll be home all alone. The bottom line is that I don't trust him. He's probably salivating right now over all this "alone time" he gets to do whatever he wants. I found out in therapy that that is what he used to do... used to look forward to the time I left so he could act out as long as he wanted in whatever way he wanted.

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#407001 - 08/16/12 03:08 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
How much of an understanding do you have between you these days? For example, is there an understanding that if he looks at porn you will leave? Have parental controls been installed on all computers and cell phones?

I've seen recommendations such as these but have not yet enacted them personally.

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#407002 - 08/16/12 03:20 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
I've got an honest question. I'm not attacking anyone here. I'm genuinely curious.

What is the purpose of any survivor to get help, do his best to recover, show time after time he's doing his best to right a wrong, to not regain trust to salvage any relationship? What is the point for a survivor to go through all of that if there really is no chance in things working out?
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#407003 - 08/16/12 03:36 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
I guess I'm trying to figure out why even bother going through recovery if we can't be trusted? For instance, there were many times I questioned my best friend's loyalty to me because I have trust issues from being abused. Once I realized what I did I apologized many times over. We settled it and everything is fine. Or so I'm thinking now. Reading many posts about supporters having problems with trusting has me really worried now that perhaps my friend really doesn't trust me and I put in all that work for nothing.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

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#407004 - 08/16/12 04:05 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Haps Offline


Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Obi - thats a darn good question. I'm one of those partners who is holding on for hope. I want my P to heal. I want a deeper, richer life with him.

Silent, what u say so very much resonates with me. I was hypervigelant long before I knew what was going on. For me, I knew something wasn't right, but thought it was drinking. :-/ Now I know. (For the record, I know why I was brought to and attracted to this guy who I allow to make me constantly question myself, but that's been covered in other posts. These are issues from my past I had to deal with.)

Without a doubt i have experienced trauma. For me, this situation has compounded old trauma and only complicated old beliefs I've had about myself. I believed this was the way it should be. That this was the only kind of love I deserved. That I was barely lovable myself. If I could get my P to love me, that my lack of love growing up would be fixed. I was wrong.

Silent, I agree with finding a therapist that specializes in trauma. I've said it all over these boards, but one that knows how to effectively incorporate EMDR is also a huge asset.

It sounds a bit like what u are experiencing is where I am but in reverse in some ways. I'm thawing out and relaxing a bit more, and he's scared or something else. It's up to him to heal. The best part, it's yOUR turn now. wink

Also, cOnsider alanon. I know my group isn't just focused on alcohol. I'm damaged, and that's reason enOugh for my group! smile

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#407005 - 08/16/12 04:12 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Obi - the point is that both partner and survivor have gone through trauma. However, the partner is still in a role to support the survivor while their own recovery takes a back seat.

Just once, I wish my husband would hold me and comfort me without going over and over again how bad he feels. When he does that, he continues to make it all about him and not about me.

Trust takes time given the level of deceit, betrayal, and hurt that partners suffer. We have our own process. It is often slower because we expend so much energy trying to prop up our survivors until they heal.

The point is, given all the hell survivors put their partners through, they need to give us the time and the space to recover as well. First we forgive, then we trust.

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#407075 - 08/17/12 11:03 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi All
Well Obi, the reason we go through this is so that we no longer live like dysfunctional idiots. I would never want to go back to what I was, NEVER. So even if I do it just for myself, that is good enough a reason.

Gaining trust does take time, I abused my wife for 20 years, thats a long time. It is not going to be fixed in 3 or 4 months, it will take time.
My only regret is that I did not know this before and that I had not sent her to a T for some guidence, I dont even know if her current T actually has a clue, so I am going to take her to a CODA group and a ALAnon group to see which she prefers.
Funny thing is that she thinks I want her to go to these groups so that they can turn her to somehow think what I am thinking. Yeah the hurt runs deep.

I know that it will come right, it is painful but I do truly love this beautiful lady and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.

So girls, Please never neglect your healing and therapy, (including haps)
You Guys are great and the support you provide is life saving, but you need to also save yourselves and the kids and the dogs and cats, Damn woman are tough.

Hang in there all.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#407078 - 08/17/12 11:18 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Hi Obi.

I appreciate your question because my husband says the same thing to me sometimes.

I don't know what exactly the answer is. My short answer is that if the survivor is getting help, doing his best to recover, gaining trust... that all ought to be for himself first and his partner second. The point of a survivor going through all that, even if the relationship doesn't work out, is so that the survivor can be healthy, happy, be a phenomenal parent, a good employee, etc. If the survivor only wants to do that work to save a marriage, I'm guessing there's going to be a low success rate.

On the other hand, what is the point for the spouse? Going through being at home alone with the kids while the survivor attends multiple therapies, taking on the debt load that comes with those therapies, supporting the survivor emotionally, doing the hard work of trusting again, loving again, FORGIVING THE TRAUMA that the survivor has inflicted on the spouse, going through all the sexual dysfunction in the relationship, all the tears, the hurt, the lies, the disclosures.... all knowing full well that the survivor may relapse, may begin to lie about the acting out... and then 1 or 5 or 10 years down the road you are RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU WERE because there are absolutely no guarantees but there's a lot of bad history.

I think it goes both ways.

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#407079 - 08/17/12 11:19 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Take everything I say with a grain of salt because I'm just really down right now....

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#407080 - 08/17/12 11:20 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
martin,

dysfunctional idiots... i can agree with that.. i'm going through therapy/recovery for me.. that is why i'm not in a relationship with a woman right now because i don't want to put anyone else through the horror and so on...

however.....

hypothetically speaking, at least in my case it would be hypothetical, what if i were to go through all this, fully recovered, my spouse or friend or whatever has gone through recovery as well and still can't trust? uses past against me. the world still believes the myths and i get cast out of society based on myths and past things that i have paid my debt to?

it still raises the point of why even bother if we still get labeled and kicked out..

now, i know it's just a hypothetical and has not happened to me... but this has happened... rob brown is a perfect example of that of where he was totally cast out, by his wife, family and society around him... no matter what he does to better himself he still is being cast out and treated less than the scum on a piece of rhino excrement... i don't blame him for how he feels and how he is down a lot when he's constantly being treated like that...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#407081 - 08/17/12 11:24 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
That's OK you to are allowed to feel overwhelmed, as long as it does not turn into depression. It is a tough path that you are walking right now.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#407082 - 08/17/12 11:32 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Obi

it is a risk that we take and if the wife does not learn to forgive and heal, well then it is out of our control. I dont completely believe that people are that ignorant that they will completely ostracise someone that has been abused as a child. Remember that each case is different, If it where a common happening, then I would agree with you, I feel that these are reasonably isolated cases.
Please correct me if I am wrong, I am still learning, but there may have been other factors in this particular situation.

Healing for both is always a good idea. ALWAYS. It is better to have two functional people than one dysfunctional partnership.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#407084 - 08/17/12 11:34 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Obi -

The only reason a survivor should go through ANY of this is to help make himself a better, whole, and happy person as he deserves to be. I'm not saying that doing it for another cannot be an impetus or motivating factor, but it SHOULD NOT be the reason.

The problem here is that CSA comes with a terrific amount of collateral damage. If the partner is unable to get passed that, then the survivor needs to accept that as the partner's issue.

Disappointing and heartbreaking after all that struggle? Absolutely. But sometimes that is the sad reality.

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#407085 - 08/17/12 11:36 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Obi, i absolutley see your point. It is exactly why i suggested we split after i found out about the cheating. I am not the same woman he married. I now assume everyone is deceitful. That is a 180 for me.

What helps me to help my husband see my perspective (sometimes) is to illustrate how its kind of similar. So because of the abuse, my husband is not trusting. I have never abused him or even lied to him, but he found it difficult to trust me after more than a decade together. Now i am in a situation where i am expected to trust the very person who violated my trust but he expects me to behave differently than he has been able to? I would love to argue that his mistrust is misplaced but it is actually irrelevant to this discussion. The bottom line is, its really hard. Its hard even if its not the person who violated the trust that you are tryingto trust. Its UNnatural to turn around and do it to a person who has demonstrated over years that he shouldnt be trusted. were you a trusting person immediately after you were violated? I want to want to trust my husband. But I can't. I don't know how long it will take. I hope it's soon because it is misery to have your life interwoven w someone you don't trust.

I think for the survivor who wants to throw in the towel because his partner can't get over it, he shouldn't. Wouldn't you want your next relationship to thrive ? What is the point of the pain and the work if you will just turn around and muck up the next relationship w the same toxic behaviors? Whether my husband and I make it as a couple I want and need for him to get well. I want it for him. He's smart, funny, kind, driven. But I need it for our kids. They deserve a whole dad way more than I deserve a whole partner.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#407087 - 08/17/12 11:52 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
(((GoodHope)))

I second GoodHope's sentiment. My ability to trust anyone is shattered. Everyone, until further notice, is guilty until they prove otherwise.

But then, I am constantly shocked and awed by the kindness of strangers. The small but vital kindnesses people have shown me in my darkest moments remind me there is still some good left in this world.

So at least I trust in that.

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#407547 - 08/22/12 11:25 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
This is probably one of the best threads I've read. I'm astounded by what I've seen here, and how it echoes things in my life. I was molested as a kid by a neighbor's babysitter. I hid the truth for decades and then, about five years ago, had probably the dumbest affair in the history of affairs. I wasn't attracted to the other woman. It was just stupid. And mean. The other woman wanted to hurt my wife. She befriended her. She hung around. She brought her daughter to our house. She suggested that she could pick up our kids from preschool if my wife and I were busy. It was horrible. Somehow, I didn't know how to get out of the relationship! It may seem odd, but I felt trapped. (By the way, she had been raped in college and never got therapy. She told me that for a period of time, she would target men and seduce them. I learned later from therapy that she had clearly targeted me. That doesn't excuse me. But it helped me to understand what happened.) Anyway, my wife has many times used the phrase, "Waiting for the other shoe to drop...." It's painful, for me to hear. There isn't another shoe to drop. I have no intention of ever being unfaithful to her. I've had years of therapy, and I've grown tremendously as a man, a father and a partner. Just last night, she told me that she can't trust me and feels convinced that I'm lying to her all the time. I was in the dumps about it today, which is why I came onto the site here and, for the first time, read posts on this section. Usually, I just read the Male Survivor postings, which is also where I have always posted.

As for the comments and struggles here, I have a few things I'd like to add:

First, I try to keep in mind my main goal, I believe, of stopping the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. That can only happen with honest communication and conscious healing. I don't want to pass my terrible legacy onto my kids. And I don't want to inflict pain and suffering on my spouse.

Second, take each day as it comes, especially when the feelings of shattered trust descend like a terrible storm cloud.

Finally, the "survival" of the marriage or the forgiveness of the spouse who cheats is less important than the health and safety of kids and us ourselves. I desperately want my marriage to survive, but I know that by acting desperate, I'll only endanger it. My spouse has done so much for me. It's time for me to the be the strong one. I know that I provide an enormous lift to her, and I'm going to focus on that, focus on being a good partner and a good friend and dad, and the best man I can be for myself.

Thank you for your posts, and that goes double for Valkyrie, Goodhope and silentspouse.

Stay strong and keep healing.

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#407556 - 08/22/12 01:50 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Saying when will the other shoe drop is a way of setting negative thoughts into motion. Maybe it should be , will the other shoe drop. I am a big believer in positive thinking and that negative thoughts can lead to negative outcomes. Just my opinion though.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#407632 - 08/23/12 09:41 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Hope, you are soooooooooo right. We did nothing to not deserve their trust but they don't trust us. My husband took the trust I had in him and destroyed it and I am supposed to just turn around and say ok, I trust you. It is not going to happen. I did that quite a few times and got slapped upside the head (not physically) over and over again.

Not only did I lose my trust in him, but I lost my trust in people and even worse, I lost the ability to trust myself. That is the biggest tragedy in all this.

I am working on trusting myself again and my perceptions.

Also, Silent, searching for evidence did nothing for me except make MY life miserable. When and if there is somethig to know, I have to trust that God or the Universe will give me the information. If I spend my days looking for it, my days will be absolutely miserable and not have a moments peace or happiness. It is so hard not to search because my life could be put in danger again but I have no life anyway if it is spent looking for evidence.

Sorry country, but I can't say "if" the other shoe drops. I have learned from experience that living with an addict I can only be cautiosly optimistic. I hope and pray thaat it doesn't happen but my husband IS an addict and relapse of some sort is a part of addiction. I hate even putting that into words but it is what it is.

Trust broken is very difficult to get back. As a survivor, my husband's trust was broken by strangers 30 some years ago. Does he trust now? No, if he did we wouldn't be here. So after 30 years he still has a hard time trusting. It has only been like 2 years for me and I m supposed to trust completely? I will trust him more when he trusts me more. It has taken many survivors years and years to get some trust in people again so I will not feel rushed. I will when I do, if i do.

The only thing i can trust is that God will help me through.

Please survivors, heal for yourselves and maybe your marriage will survive. You deserve healing whether your marriage survives or not. If you do the work and heal and your marriage doesn't survive, at least you will walk away with a healthier and happier life ahead of you.

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#407633 - 08/23/12 09:46 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Also, silent, the searching, detective work and focussing on what they are doing can become an addiction in itself. For me, it could be quite numbing and made me feel like i had some control over what was going to happen and that was an illusiion for me. The numbing part of it kept me from feeling the feelings I was feeling like sadness, grief, FEAR and kept me from looking at my own issues and figure out how I got here in the first place. I thinkk it was a way of "surviving" the PTSD and was the best I could do at the time.

That is just what it was like for me........I am not assuming everyone feels the same as me. wink

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#407646 - 08/23/12 12:31 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I too also became hypervigilant in response to trauma caused by all of my husband's revelations of infidelity. Obsessively check phone records became an addiction, and like lucy said, a false sense of control. I'm learning to wean myself off it.

I realize now it is just sipping poison. Every time I do it. But then, my husband is an addict, so it is also a method of leverage so he understands boundaries.

The whole thing sucks.

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#408016 - 08/26/12 05:19 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
I was finally able to get back here and post and I wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to give me advice and comment. I'm also glad this thread helped you, Robert1000.

For some unknown reason, things have really settled down lately. I think I may be in some sort of denial, LOL. I am so sick and tired of being sad! I am forcing myself to be happy - and it seems the more I fake the happiness, the more genuine it becomes.

I haven't lost that feeling of dread, though. That pit in my stomach that just aches with loss and anger and jealousy. I think I'm a bit caught in limbo - husband still early in recovery and me still in the early stages of real forgiveness. Trust is impossible, but I think I *have* to function without trust for awhile. It takes time to earn it back, and in the mean time, I have to keep going.

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#409272 - 09/06/12 08:29 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Gabskitty Offline


Registered: 08/27/12
Posts: 7
Loc: Missouri
I am so happy to see posts from other spouses who have been through this.I have caught him developing relationships with women online, of course there's the pornography, he "only" wants BDSM sex, but he doesn't want me at all. We have no children because he would never be intimate with me! Going to see a therapist tomorrow. I love him, but it is so hard.

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