I guess I'm trying to figure out why even bother going through recovery if we can't be trusted? For instance, there were many times I questioned my best friend's loyalty to me because I have trust issues from being abused. Once I realized what I did I apologized many times over. We settled it and everything is fine. Or so I'm thinking now. Reading many posts about supporters having problems with trusting has me really worried now that perhaps my friend really doesn't trust me and I put in all that work for nothing.

Obi - thats a darn good question. I'm one of those partners who is holding on for hope. I want my P to heal. I want a deeper, richer life with him.

Silent, what u say so very much resonates with me. I was hypervigelant long before I knew what was going on. For me, I knew something wasn't right, but thought it was drinking. :-/ Now I know. (For the record, I know why I was brought to and attracted to this guy who I allow to make me constantly question myself, but that's been covered in other posts. These are issues from my past I had to deal with.)

Without a doubt i have experienced trauma. For me, this situation has compounded old trauma and only complicated old beliefs I've had about myself. I believed this was the way it should be. That this was the only kind of love I deserved. That I was barely lovable myself. If I could get my P to love me, that my lack of love growing up would be fixed. I was wrong.

Silent, I agree with finding a therapist that specializes in trauma. I've said it all over these boards, but one that knows how to effectively incorporate EMDR is also a huge asset.

It sounds a bit like what u are experiencing is where I am but in reverse in some ways. I'm thawing out and relaxing a bit more, and he's scared or something else. It's up to him to heal. The best part, it's yOUR turn now.

Also, cOnsider alanon. I know my group isn't just focused on alcohol. I'm damaged, and that's reason enOugh for my group!

Obi - the point is that both partner and survivor have gone through trauma. However, the partner is still in a role to support the survivor while their own recovery takes a back seat.

Just once, I wish my husband would hold me and comfort me without going over and over again how bad he feels. When he does that, he continues to make it all about him and not about me.

Trust takes time given the level of deceit, betrayal, and hurt that partners suffer. We have our own process. It is often slower because we expend so much energy trying to prop up our survivors until they heal.

The point is, given all the hell survivors put their partners through, they need to give us the time and the space to recover as well. First we forgive, then we trust.

Hi All
Well Obi, the reason we go through this is so that we no longer live like dysfunctional idiots. I would never want to go back to what I was, NEVER. So even if I do it just for myself, that is good enough a reason.

Gaining trust does take time, I abused my wife for 20 years, thats a long time. It is not going to be fixed in 3 or 4 months, it will take time.
My only regret is that I did not know this before and that I had not sent her to a T for some guidence, I dont even know if her current T actually has a clue, so I am going to take her to a CODA group and a ALAnon group to see which she prefers.
Funny thing is that she thinks I want her to go to these groups so that they can turn her to somehow think what I am thinking. Yeah the hurt runs deep.

I know that it will come right, it is painful but I do truly love this beautiful lady and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her.

So girls, Please never neglect your healing and therapy, (including haps)
You Guys are great and the support you provide is life saving, but you need to also save yourselves and the kids and the dogs and cats, Damn woman are tough.

Hang in there all.

Heal well
Martin

Hi Obi.

I appreciate your question because my husband says the same thing to me sometimes.

I don't know what exactly the answer is. My short answer is that if the survivor is getting help, doing his best to recover, gaining trust... that all ought to be for himself first and his partner second. The point of a survivor going through all that, even if the relationship doesn't work out, is so that the survivor can be healthy, happy, be a phenomenal parent, a good employee, etc. If the survivor only wants to do that work to save a marriage, I'm guessing there's going to be a low success rate.

On the other hand, what is the point for the spouse? Going through being at home alone with the kids while the survivor attends multiple therapies, taking on the debt load that comes with those therapies, supporting the survivor emotionally, doing the hard work of trusting again, loving again, FORGIVING THE TRAUMA that the survivor has inflicted on the spouse, going through all the sexual dysfunction in the relationship, all the tears, the hurt, the lies, the disclosures.... all knowing full well that the survivor may relapse, may begin to lie about the acting out... and then 1 or 5 or 10 years down the road you are RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU WERE because there are absolutely no guarantees but there's a lot of bad history.

I think it goes both ways.

Take everything I say with a grain of salt because I'm just really down right now....

martin,

dysfunctional idiots... i can agree with that.. i'm going through therapy/recovery for me.. that is why i'm not in a relationship with a woman right now because i don't want to put anyone else through the horror and so on...

however.....

hypothetically speaking, at least in my case it would be hypothetical, what if i were to go through all this, fully recovered, my spouse or friend or whatever has gone through recovery as well and still can't trust? uses past against me. the world still believes the myths and i get cast out of society based on myths and past things that i have paid my debt to?

it still raises the point of why even bother if we still get labeled and kicked out..

now, i know it's just a hypothetical and has not happened to me... but this has happened... rob brown is a perfect example of that of where he was totally cast out, by his wife, family and society around him... no matter what he does to better himself he still is being cast out and treated less than the scum on a piece of rhino excrement... i don't blame him for how he feels and how he is down a lot when he's constantly being treated like that...

That's OK you to are allowed to feel overwhelmed, as long as it does not turn into depression. It is a tough path that you are walking right now.

Martin

Obi

it is a risk that we take and if the wife does not learn to forgive and heal, well then it is out of our control. I dont completely believe that people are that ignorant that they will completely ostracise someone that has been abused as a child. Remember that each case is different, If it where a common happening, then I would agree with you, I feel that these are reasonably isolated cases.
Please correct me if I am wrong, I am still learning, but there may have been other factors in this particular situation.

Healing for both is always a good idea. ALWAYS. It is better to have two functional people than one dysfunctional partnership.

Martin

Obi -

The only reason a survivor should go through ANY of this is to help make himself a better, whole, and happy person as he deserves to be. I'm not saying that doing it for another cannot be an impetus or motivating factor, but it SHOULD NOT be the reason.

The problem here is that CSA comes with a terrific amount of collateral damage. If the partner is unable to get passed that, then the survivor needs to accept that as the partner's issue.

Disappointing and heartbreaking after all that struggle? Absolutely. But sometimes that is the sad reality.