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#406892 - 08/15/12 11:42 AM When will the other shoe drop???
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
My husband is almost 9 months sexually sober, regularly attends two sex addiction anonymous groups a week, meets with a therapist who specializes in CSA and sex addiction twice a month, meets with our pastors once a month, disclosed his story to his parents and our pastors, has a sponsor he meets with and just presented his "first step story" to his SAA group.

I should be really happy that he's so fully embracing recovery, and I do see some major changes in his personality - being able to relax, talk, recognize when he can't identify his feelings, etc.

However, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm still looking through our garbages trying to find evidence of acting out. I'm still checking the computers, I'm still hyper-vigilant about lights that are turned on or off, things being moved or misplaced... anything that might suggest he's acting out. I can't have sex with him and I can't fully love him right now because I'm waiting for the relapse.

This is the second time around for us. The first was when I discovered horrific, weird pornography 4 years ago. We met with our pastors and over time I thought the situation had resolved. We all figured it was a porn addiction and that was it. Now, just 9 months ago, I find out that the root of all this is his CSA, and he's been acting out, etc... Now we're getting help again and I'm still waiting for "the rest of the story" or something.

I feel like I can't relax, I can't move on. I'm stuck. I'm completely asexual around him. I don't know what it's going to take to give in and be hopeful again. Every day I wake up with dread in my stomach that there will be a new disclosure.

I can't even handle his affection for me. If he kisses me, I don't want to kiss back. I feel like somehow that would be letting him off the hook. I don't know.

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#406916 - 08/15/12 03:16 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
After my husband's first confessed infidelity years ago, I couldn't really have sex with him for a year following.

Right now, given everything else I now know, after he came forward to family and friends about his abuse which I also discovered his emotional affair, I have been suffering the exact same symptoms you described. Someone posted this article in the forum a month or so ago:

http://66.199.228.237/boundary/SA/spouse.pdf

It discusses how wives of sexual addicts may suffer from post-traumatic stress. And sister - they ain't freakin' kidding. As awful as it is to read that article, it was a comfort to know I wasn't losing my mind. Although really, I kind of was...

I cried my way through the entire article and then brought it with me to me new therapist. Luckily, my therapist had thought as much and my treatment plan follows that of traumatic event recovery.

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#406922 - 08/15/12 04:19 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
At some point though, if you do want to recover from this and salvage your marriage, you are going to have to accept that what has passed is passed.

Accept whatever infidelity he confesses to and know that it is what he is doing now that is important. It sounds like he is really putting in the work to recover.

What have you done for yourself to recover? Are you in therapy?

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#406935 - 08/15/12 07:10 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 358
Have you gone to the sex addicts anonymous spouses meetings? S'anon or Cosa? They have helped me so much. They have given me a group who understands exactly the issues and pain I feel.

I tried to send you a pm but it says you aren't accepting pm's. I have experienced the sme things as you and would like to share more.

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#406938 - 08/15/12 07:29 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Hi Lucylives - I will fix that so we can chat.

I went to twice monthly sanon meetings. At first, when the crisis hit, it was helpful. We have a small group - at most 6 people show up and that is rare. I stopped going because my husband was the only one actively in recovery, so the meetings felt like big, sad occasions where everyone told their saddest moments and all the failures and hopelessness. I rarely found it uplifting.

I also tried a private therapy group for spouses of sex addicts. I liked it, but it focused a lot on codependency and childhood issues. I felt I was getting to understand myself better. Then, the group was cancelled four sessions in a row for lack of participation, so I quit going. I got tired of getting hyped up and working out babysitters for a group that got cancelled.

I see my husband's therapist occasionally with my husband, and I like those sessions. I have a name of a private therapist that works with the spouses of my husband's therapists' patients. I just haven't made the call yet. I keep thinking that I just need to keep moving forward.

The reason I posted this was to get some suggestions, I guess. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I don't think it is right, or good, or helpful. I just can't seem to crawl out of it and just LIVE and BE HAPPY and BE THANKFUL!

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#406944 - 08/15/12 08:11 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
With ya there, sister. I cannot stand feeling like this. I used to be happy. I was quick to laugh, make jokes, help others...

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#406981 - 08/16/12 02:22 AM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Silentspouse.

I tell you that I'm so happy that your H is doing all that he can to heal, its great.
Now you.
You need to realize and brace yourself for the small setbacks that Might come in his healing journey. In AA we call it research, when people relapse.
You need to try and understand that ITS NOT PERSONAL, he is not doing this to hurt you. He is confused and hurting and trying to cope.
I really hope that you are in treatment or in a group. You also need to heal from this.
One of the common happenings is, the husband heals relatively quickly, (Sometimes) and the wife has not dealt with the damage that she has been on the receiving end off. The husband is then trying to be a nice guy and make right for the past, but all the wife sees is evil and the same person that she has always seen. The husband then becomes confused and feels that nothing he does will ever be good enough.

It is the hardest thing to let go of the past, but it is essential. We cannot change the past but we can change the future, allow us to do that.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#407000 - 08/16/12 02:59 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
silentspouse Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Whome - the situation you described above I think is correct. He's doing good, I'm the same bitter person.

He says, "You look pretty today."
I say, "Any woman within 20 feet of you looks good to you."

He says, "I love you."
I say, "That's a lie - you may love me, but there's plenty you love more than me."

I feel like a baby or a spoiled brat. I just can't move on for any length of time. Not even sure if I want to most days. He's seen everything on his porn. He finds a special sexual satisfaction in activity that has nothing to do with me. He has lied so much, hidden so much...

I think all this is hitting hard because I'm leaving this weekend with our daughter to Girl Scout camp and he'll be home all alone. The bottom line is that I don't trust him. He's probably salivating right now over all this "alone time" he gets to do whatever he wants. I found out in therapy that that is what he used to do... used to look forward to the time I left so he could act out as long as he wanted in whatever way he wanted.

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#407001 - 08/16/12 03:08 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
How much of an understanding do you have between you these days? For example, is there an understanding that if he looks at porn you will leave? Have parental controls been installed on all computers and cell phones?

I've seen recommendations such as these but have not yet enacted them personally.

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#407002 - 08/16/12 03:20 PM Re: When will the other shoe drop??? [Re: silentspouse]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1306
Loc: kansas
I've got an honest question. I'm not attacking anyone here. I'm genuinely curious.

What is the purpose of any survivor to get help, do his best to recover, show time after time he's doing his best to right a wrong, to not regain trust to salvage any relationship? What is the point for a survivor to go through all of that if there really is no chance in things working out?
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

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