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#406890 - 08/15/12 11:34 AM Yo yo
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
I feel like I am a yo yo.

I am new. I am still trying to figure things out. I have recently read When the Man You Love Was Abused. I know only sketchy details. I have been in this relationship for over 2 years. This is what I don't understand: Why do survivors disappear, withdraw and surface again acting like there is nothing wrong? My boyfriend and I do not live together. Sometimes he will disappear in the middle of a texting conversation. Sometimes he will cancel our plans. We are usually in contact several times a day at his initiation and then out of the blue nothing but a few words for 2-3 days then he is back like nothing ever happened. In the mean time I feel like the girl holding the flower saying he loves me he loves me not he loves me he loves me not. After so many times I am about to tell him that this will not work any more. It is hurting me and hurting our relationship. I truly love him and want to support him in his recovery, but this is beginning to feel disrespectful, rude and dishonoring. If he just communicated that he needs time to think, clear his head or whatever, I can give him the space he needs, no problem. I have asked him several times to do just that. It just kills me that he drops off the face of the earth with no warning. This week he has been talking about marriage and yesterday he dropped out of our text conversation and I haven't heard anything since.

I would appreciate any insight or advise anyone can give me.

Confused2

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#406891 - 08/15/12 11:40 AM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I think my wife read that book as well. Does he see a therapist or has he seeked help about his past? It says alot that you took the time to read an try to understand him.


Edited by Country (08/15/12 12:49 PM)
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#406893 - 08/15/12 12:03 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
He has seen a counselor. He showed me this website, but I don't know much more than that. Just recently I found out his abuser is deceased.

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#406899 - 08/15/12 12:54 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Well as a survivor I know that we are usually or were good at forgetting our own fault very quickly. Then really hammering home faults of others to make u seem superior and make us feel better.
Is he seeing a therapist regularly ?

We withdraw as a defense mechanism. We are good at that. It is mostly how we have survived as kids and adults. The acting like nothing is wrong is a survival instinct too.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#406907 - 08/15/12 02:00 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
He is not currently in therapy. I just don't know if I can cope indefinately with this duality in our relationship. It is like with one hand he beckons me to come closer and with the other hand he holds me at arm's length like a police officer signaling for someone to stop where they are. Withdrawal from a close relationship just hurts. It feels emotionally abusive. Makes me feel like I have to jump through hoops for his love and sometimes I'm good enough and sometimes I'm not. It just isn't healthy and I don't know if there is anything I can to. I either have to suck it up or consider ending the relationship. And that would be really hard because I love him.

C2


Edited by Clueless2 (08/15/12 02:00 PM)

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#406912 - 08/15/12 02:30 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Those are all traits of a CSA victim. I know it don't help you buty advice would be for him to get into therapy regularly an maybe you go with him. It worked for my Wife and I. Maybe others can add some advice to help you.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#406917 - 08/15/12 03:19 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Originally Posted By: Clueless2
He is not currently in therapy. I just don't know if I can cope indefinately with this duality in our relationship. It is like with one hand he beckons me to come closer and with the other hand he holds me at arm's length like a police officer signaling for someone to stop where they are. Withdrawal from a close relationship just hurts. It feels emotionally abusive. Makes me feel like I have to jump through hoops for his love and sometimes I'm good enough and sometimes I'm not. It just isn't healthy and I don't know if there is anything I can to. I either have to suck it up or consider ending the relationship. And that would be really hard because I love him.


Yes, I did this. As a CSA/ emtional abuse victim I didn't feel like I was worthy of loving relationships and I had serious trust issues. So I pushed away like he does now to test my wife. If she went away, then I was right. She didn't love me and she couldn't be trusted. If she stayed then she was clearly not seeing the real me, the discpicable person who is unworthy of a loving relationship. Time to push away some more. Either way the partner always looses: this is a test you will always fail. Even if you win, you loose because this push/pull will go round and round like a carnival ride with no attendant.

There is only one thing you can do: demand a healthy relationship. Tell him it is not OK to do this anymore and tell him you know it will never stop unless he seeks counseling. How do you know this? Only because evey single partner on this forum has asked the same question 1,000 times and the answer always comes back the same. Two words: BOUNDARIES for you / THERAPY for him.

C2 he needs to choose because it isn't fair to be treated this way. You put a lot of time into this relationship and no one wants to cause a relationship to fail. But if he does this for years on end (and he will if you tolerate it) it will fail anyways. Now is the time to make your demands. Beat the Christmas rush! He can seek therapy and you will support that effort with forgiveness and accaptance OR he can go round and round on his emotional roller-coaster alone. You gotta to make a stand for you. If he's ready to help himself. Fantastic. We're here waiting with open arms. If not... well that's a choice he'll have to live with -not you. Life is too short to waste on maniacs. Except me...turns out I was pretty worth it. Who knew?
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#407010 - 08/16/12 05:42 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Clueless2 Offline


Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
Thanks for the advise. scottyg. As usual, he acted like nothing was wrong. I was clearly upset, and he seemed unphased by my demeanor. He made excuses and tried to put it back on me for not calling. I told him that when he drops off the face of the earth it hurts me and it hurts our relationship and I am a big girl and can handle about anything, but silence. In the past I have held back and not told him how I feel but that isn't fair. I can't protect him. I have to tell him how I feel. I have to tell him how his actions impact me. Now, only time will tell, but I can't tolerate the unhealthy behavior anymore.

I have other concerns, but one at a time. I will encourage him to get connected with MS.

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#407564 - 08/22/12 02:16 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.

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#407575 - 08/22/12 05:02 PM Re: Yo yo [Re: Clueless2]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I'll second Scotty on this, C2, as I clearly recognize the distancing behavior I've had. I recognize the avoidance and the wish for everything to appear "normal". Indelicately, it's a load of &*^$%! Since you're quite aware of how the behavior's affecting you, imo, you're anything BUT clueless.

The only caveat I'd make is that if you decide to move on - particularly as you've two years invested - you'll have to stick to your guns...and that may be difficult those times when you're feeling lonely. Keep friends close to you - your friends, not his - who will support you.

It's perfectly okay to get on with YOUR life.

@scottyg - beat the Christmas rush? LOL

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