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#40685 - 05/14/01 02:27 AM Talking Points - I need your help!!
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
I have already contacted a newspaper reporter and told him a little bit of my story (for those of you who are not familiar with my story, please refer to the "I'm the untimate COWARD" thread). I will be sitting down with him within the next few weeks to tell him the whole story. I know that my position as a hign ranking and highly decorated police officer is what "they" will consider news worthy. I don't want the story to be about "me". I want to use this opportunity to educate the public about the sexual abuse of children.

If you had the opportunity like I have, what would you want the public to know about our issue. What would you tell parents so they can better protect their children? What would you tell the children who may be going through this horror? What would you say to the abuser to make him realize what damage he is doing? What else would you say: statue of limitations issues (Thanks Mark C), internet safety issues. What laws need to be changed? How can we eliminate the sexual abuse of our children???

Get those creative juices flowing. I need your help. When this article is written and the television media picks it up, I will post the links so that all of us can celebrate together.

Thank You,

Brian


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#40686 - 05/14/01 10:39 AM Re: Talking Points - I need your help!!
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
There havenít been too many men in high profile who have come forward to speak in a public forum about their own childhood sexual abuse and when it does happen it is a flash-in-the-pan. A few years ago there was a hockey player by the name of Kennedy who spoke of a coach that subjected him over a period of time during his adolescence. Tom Arnold (formerly married to Roseanne Bar) admitted his childhood experience by a babysitter, on a talk show. I watched SANTANA give a television interview where he spoke of his childhood trauma. On the Sally Jesse Raphael Show I saw a young man of 15 who was a victim since the age of 11, verbally abused and condemned for what happened to him. The perpetrator was female and has had a child as one of the results of the experiences with her victim. The audience tore him apart (as did Sally) and so did the Kansas Supreme Court who found him guilty and ordered him to pay child support throughout high school + 5,000 dollars. The audience statements were; he was old enough to know better, or implied there is no age at which a male can qualify as victim and men are always the aggressors. If you say otherwise then your masculinity is questioned. As males this is what we get. My mother was just one of my perpetrators. I heard on that show it was my fault. ( I also have a copy of that show.) (Sally did hear from me but I received no response). The public has a hard time dealing with men as victims of significant trauma. Get over it! Be a man!
My concern is for you. Are you sure you are ready for the negative feedback as well as the positive feedback you might receive? Do you have a support system in place? I admire youíre courage to consider this as a course of action for your TRUTH. It is a path that I intend to take to speak my own TRUTH. The air is rather rarified in the arena you and I are proposing. Everyone who speaks on these pages has that courage. You can check out my postings on Jan. 7&19, "Self Witnessing after a long break", and "My list of effects." When I have spoken in public about my personal experience the response is dead silence (fear?), (respect?), ( disgust?) (stunned?) ------------- RJD
:rolleyes :(stuff to ponder)

[ 05-14-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

[ 05-14-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

I don't believe we can ever eliminate it, but we can reach the victims sooner and offer healing and caring.

[ 05-14-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

[ 05-14-2001: Message edited by: RJD ]


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#40687 - 05/14/01 04:26 PM Re: Talking Points - I need your help!!
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
RJD - Thank you for your concern (and the reaility check).

This is NOT going to be a one time disclosure. I am in a position where this could be my lifes work. Cops are suppose to teach the public about danger and how to protect themselves and their children from crime. I'm lucky in the sense that I do not have to worry about being distracted by having to make a living too (like so many of the people you mentioned in your previous post).

I'm not a beat cop anymore, I'm a police administrator. I have access to the media, politians, neighborhood associations, PTA's, church groups, parents and children. I also have access to a lot of police recruits as I am an instructor at the police academy. If I handle this situation correctly, this access could be NATIONWIDE!!

This is NOT going to be a "poor me" story. I am well aware that no one cares about me except for my family and close friends and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. What I do want is for them to listen to what I have to say so they are better able to bring the topic up with their children. If I am able to do this, their children won't have to go through what ALL OF US have gone through. I want to tell everyone that sex abuse is an issue that is REAL and if they chose not to talk with their children about it, it could become more REAL than they ever could have imagined.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Thank you to those of you who sent me private messages.

Lets get some discussion going here.

Brian

[ 05-14-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]


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#40688 - 05/14/01 07:24 PM Re: Talking Points - I need your help!!
Mark C Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/01
Posts: 39
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Brian here are a few of my thoughts on the subject...there is much here..you may or may not agree, but these are my thoughts...
I am not sure there is much you can say that will cause a real predator to stop offending...they don't even see what they are doing as wrong...they are very good at justifying there own actions. My offender once told me about another priest who was abusing other children. He was condemning this person, yet it never dawned on him he was doing virtually the same thing to me on almost a daily basis.

Do not come off as angry against your perp...although he most certainly deserves it. I think it is important the public see and hears you taking the higher road.

As you stated, this is bigger than what happened to you...you want to take this opportunity to educate the public and dispel the myths about male sexual victimization...these are the things the public must hear...to tell boys and men who might have been abused as children that
1. they are not alone, statistics show that 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18.
2. boys/men can be victims, this is not boys "getting lucky" by being introduced to sex earlier than others.
3. Feelings of shame, guilt and the thoughts that they should have done something to stop it but didn't. These thoughts are misguided...it is not their faults, they DON'T share the blame...and most certainly they could not have stopped it.
4. Remember, this was not about sex...or some gay man attacking children...this was someone manipulating, controlling and excersizing his greater POWER over these victims. This includes their family who may have also trusted this individual.
5. Just because ones body responded in a physically stimulating manner does not mean the victim asked for it, enjoyed it, nor does it make them gay because of it. (there is certainly nothing wrong with being gay, I am just saying that many victims do experience confusion about their sexual orientation)
6. Most victims remain silent for many years, this is a known fact. The current statute of limitations in most states allows the most aggressive pedophiles to continue their rampage of destroying children's lives. There should never be a statute of limitations for crimes of sexual abuse against children....this is the equivilant of soul murder.
7. abuse victims develope manny methods in dealing with their deep pain and betrayal...such as drug, alcohol and/or sexual addictions. They may experience PTSD....Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which includes symptoms of depression, nightmare/flashbacks, emotional hypersensitivity, the inability to trust or relate in an intimate way with others etc...
8. although it is believed that most offenders may have been themselves abused as children...the vast majority of victims will NOT go on to become offenders.
9. Pedophilia is very similar to alcohol addiction, it is treatable but not curable. These individuals can't be thrown in jail for a few months and be considered rehabilitated. Nor will a few months of therapy do it either. Long term supervision/incarceration as well as extensive therapy is usually required.
10. Most of the time perps of sexual abuse are not the weird looking stranger, but a friend or family member who has established a level of trust with the victim. This is what can make healing so difficult.
11. It is normal for the victim to be angry at family members or parents...people from whom they had a right to expect help. Just remember these members of the family were also victimized by this individual.
12. It is not uncommon for the victims family to not want to talk about what was perpatrated. This in some regard may force them to accept that they allowed this heinous crime to take place. Families often feel ashamed as well and don't wan't to "air dirty laundry". This is never helpful to the victim and in fact causes secondary victimization
13. It helps if the victim has a strong support group...family and friends WHO WILL LISTEN, to what the victim has to say about what was done to him or her. I think this can go a long way in helping one heal...unfortunately we know that in many cases families do not want to talk about it. This prevents the victim from feeling validated, and can often hinder healing.

Well there are probably several more points but I can't think of them at the moment...if I do I will add them here. Again, I hope this helps....Mark


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#40689 - 05/15/01 07:26 PM Re: Talking Points - I need your help!!
Brian B14 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Mark,

I agree with everything that you said. You even mentioned a few things that I have not thought of. Thank you for your help.

I can't believe all the information on sex abuse that is available on the internet. I found a site that has all the statue of limitation laws for all the states in the country. I've got some work to do.

If anyone has a informational site that they have found to be particularly helpful, please post it.

Thank you to everyone for the words of encouragement. I finally was able to reply to all of your private messages. They really meant a lot to me. Thanks again!


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#40690 - 05/27/01 02:43 AM Re: Talking Points - I need your help!!
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
One thing you should try to mention, females can and do abuse children. Often it's more covert, but it's probably 3 to 5 times as common as people think, maybe even more. Accurate statistics are hard to find, because female abuse is ignored by society. If you can, try digging up some referance material. Female to male abuse is especially hard for society to accept, and often leads survivors to be victomized twice. I think thats important enough to mention. BTW courage is doing the right thing in the face of fear. I don't think there is a more accurate way to describe what your going through. Be proud, even if things don't happen the way they are supposed to. I'll be routing for you, i hope you get your message out. You have allready helped thousands of children, and you may help anyone who has been abused to expose themselves. I know you think that you made a mistake, but remember, you did something, and that means a lot, no matter what happens. Best Wishes.


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