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#406583 - 08/12/12 04:36 PM Re: I feel alone and very ashamed [Re: Jonah]
Jonah Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 18
Loc: USA
Thank you all, so much, for your responses. I had already convinced my wife to read some of the posts here and on the F&F board. I think that she is really trying to help us get through this. What i FEEL, however, is something irrational and completely different.

By trying to be honest about all of it (my abuse, my lying, my porn use, etc...) I've plunged into a situation wherin I feel that I have relenquished my control. For me, at least, my maintenance of very tight control over my abuse issues and porn use were, i think, methods that I used to protect and convince myself that I was in control of this. I KNOW that my masturbation was a way to convince myself that i was completely in charge of my body, and no one else. I think that this was a coping method that helped bolster my strength when i began to remember, and be disgusted by, how my body would respond to my abuser's touch.

The problem is that i think i've gone too far too fast. I suppose a lot of addicts and abuse victims feel this way, but i wake up in a semi-panicked state and progress through the day vacillating through bouts of all sorts of barely controlled feelings. In my desperate attempt to explain myself to my wife, I went What feels like WAY out there and discussed specifics of my actual abuse, the reasons why I pretend NOT to have an orgasm when we have sex (again, i have to be in control of how my body behaves), what porn i gravitate to and why, etc... It has been really, really too much, too fast, but it hurt me so much to see her identifying her self as the problem, watching the damage that i had done to her self esteem, that i felt i had to.

I have begun reading a book called "beyond betrayal" which started promisingly, but hasn't really discussed a lot that has been especially salient to my specific behavior issues. The horrors that i endured were inflicted upon me at a very young age by my father. For reasons that i don't entirely understand, the core of my pathology seems to lay almost completely in sexual control and maintenance of my own power in a sexual situation (i can rationalize the reasons why, but i don't know how to fix it, or if that's even possible). The book, thusfar, has largely been addressing other issues that i am fortunate enough not to have come away with. For instance: i am more comfortable masturbating and do not want to have sex with other partners, since i have all the control in that scenario. For what i assume is the same reason, having an attractive woman express sexual interest in me causes me fear rather than arousal. I worked around this dynamic with my wife through love, trust, and maintenance of an illusion of my own dominance in our encounters. It has still been very hard, though. Response to my affection on her part gets me more into the act, but any assertion of control on her part has a dramatically opposite impact. I mean, something as simple as gently moving my hand from her waist to her breast will cause me to lose my erection because i start to feel that i am no longer in control of the encounter. It was very difficult for me before my admissions. I have no idea if intimacy will even be possible between us since I've spilled the proverbial beans.

Lastly, i have been accessing the board from my ipad for multiple reasons. Ironically, being in my study and near my computer (where i would self medicate with porn) now brings me anxiety. Moreover, i know my wife doesn't yet trust me to be there, or even fully understand yet why i did what i did. I think that an hour long session of computer use would probably end our marriage at this point. And, sadly, damned Apple products do not allow Flash to function (which is how i think your chat boards work). Instead of making excuses, i am going to try and get past these little problems because i feel i could really benefit from a visit to the healing circle.

Thank you very much for the time, patience, courage, and grace that you've all shown to one another.

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#406630 - 08/12/12 11:56 PM Re: I feel alone and very ashamed [Re: Jonah]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Remember, Jonah, you are not in a race. There is no set time table for recovery. I know it may feel like there is, but there really isn't.

Give yourself grace in your healing journey my friend.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#406793 - 08/14/12 10:30 AM Re: I feel alone and very ashamed [Re: Jonah]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Jonah,

I hear you, and I'm so sorry you're suffering in this way.

Some additional thoughts.

1. Some anti-anxiety medication might be useful, and you might ask your therapist about that.

2. In dealing with your wife, you might thank her from the bottom of your heart for finding out about your porn habit. You could tell her the truth that you were not hiding it from her, but that you have actually spent your entire life locked up with it, hiding the abuse and everything to do with it from the entire world. Let her know the truth that it was not a betrayal of her trust, but a totally compulsive life-long pattern to do with a specific trauma from your childhood. You could tell her that, like many of us, you had no choice about whether to share it or not. The habit of secrecy about the abuse is so strong that nothing short of a major life crisis event could force the story out of you. Thank her for providing that life crisis (her discovery of the porn) so that the trauma can start to be let out of your system. Let her know that it is like a giant pus-filled old sore that has been growing inside you all these years. And thank her for pulling out the stoppers and forcing it out into the light where healing can happen. Let her know the enormous kindness of that act. It was the only way the story could appear, and it needs to be out in the light. Let her know how vulnerable you are now because of this and how delicate the situation is because of that. But that it's the delicacy of a new plant growing or of a birth. It's like you've been in a torture prison all these years and she is the one who opened the door.

Above all, thank her and give her love for being open and let her know this has nothing to do with her, it's not distancing from her or pulling away or an expression of dissatisfaction or lack of love.

Remember, you haven't done something to her by hiding this porn thing. The hiding is a fact of your abuse, it's part of that pain. The hiding has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the abuse. Don't let it get to be a guilt issue. just celebrate that something forced open the door.

Let her be the hero who opened the door and set you free to talk and see the light of the sun.

I hope this is helpful,

Danny

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#406837 - 08/14/12 08:51 PM Re: I feel alone and very ashamed [Re: Jonah]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Jonah,
Jut know that you are not alone bro. We are all here for you and have felt and still feel some of the shame and loneliness that you feel. I hope you hang around and share your thoughts and what helps you. It helps others I think. Welcome but so sorry you are here at the same time
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#406839 - 08/14/12 08:55 PM Re: I feel alone and very ashamed [Re: Jonah]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I think most survivors of child sexual abuse relate well to porn and drinking. Porn is a natural for men who were subjected to sexual abuse because that is mostly how we learned affection. Drinking helps numb the pain and shame of being abused. Or so I thought. Best of luck in your recovery. It will help if your wife is in your corner also. My wife has helped me sooo much man. It ultimately comes down to you though. Best of luck
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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