A

Warrd,

You are not alone - you are not "the only one". I left here for over 6 months once ... for me it was the thought that I wasn't improving and I was sick and tired of hearing guys say that it was possible to heal cuz for me it didn't seem possible.

You mention you're not making sense about a part of you not wanting to heal. That thought could have come straight out of my journal. I'm there a lot. My therapist has tried to explain that it makes sense - that, even though there is pain and hurt and depression - it's what I know. And with my past - the unknown is worse than the pain. So we are working on me accepting that it's ok to not know (UGH) what the outcome of something may be. And accept that it COULD be something good.

Friends can be a difficult subject too. I want friends, but how can I have a friend when I can't tell them anything about me? When I'm afraid they'll drop me, or worse - laugh at me. But if I can't be honest with them, how can I expect them to be with me? Are they friends then??

I understand turmoil, confusion, and feeling lost. Sometimes just knowing someone else is lost in the same forest can help it seems. Even if the other person is no where near me - they're "here". You are not alone. Not here. There are too many of us that understand so many different aspects.

A new "motto" I'm trying out ...

"It's ok to give up on others. It's myself I cannot give up on."

i know ... hokey - but it works sometimes.

hey, Warrd!

i know what you mean about staying awake so you won't dream. i've done that a lot, too - all my life. i'm not sure it helped - but it made me think or feel like i was in control - and that was important to me. i couldn't control much else. and when are you any more vulnerable than when you are alseep? now that i think of it - it was also probly because some of the abuse happened or began while i was sleeping. now that i have forced myself to go to bed earlier and get more sleep, i definitely feel better - both physically and emotionally. but when i have a set-back - like right now, i revert to that old pattern of wakefulness.

another thing you said also struck a chord with me -

***"But I think a weird part of me don't want strength to heal. Because then I wold have no hurt and wound to feel sorry for myself about. I'm not making sense."***

i think this makes a lot of sense - i have felt the same. it's like - the present version of me is the only one i know and i am familiar and - while i am not comfortable with my self - i am accustomed to my present self. if i change, i don't know what i will be like or who i am any more. and one of the few things that has been stable throughout my life has been this secret inner hurt that i have protected and almost cherished. like Gollum in "Lord of the Rings" with his "precious." if i give that up or lose it - then what? it has defined me for so long. the unknown is often more frightening than the known and hated.

anyway - just want you to know that you are not alone in this... and i have been changing since 10 months ago when i started therapy. it is slow - so i do get a chance to become acquainted with the new and improved parts of me. and i actually like the emerging me better than the old me. hope you find the same.

Lee

I have felt like that before. For me it is like at first it was recovery overload. I would check in from time to time. But I read alot more here now and it helps to see what works for people and what doesn't work. To see their feelings and then I relate to them. It helps me

A

A

T

Hey Warrd it is good to see you back . It is dificult to find own balance in reading,sharing,posting. I'm trying to find/read things that will inspire me moving me away from my passivity and negative self image. One of best things that I've found here is connecting to other brothers, isolation is terrible and I have problems sometimes with isolating myself, it is hurtfull to feel loneley.Keep searching,you are not alone !

I found myself in pity parties as well. But in my mind only, I wouldn't let anyone into my parties.

Nope. The feelings you share are universal to CSA Survivors in my experience. I was a victim of Incest and there seems to be serious comonality in the cyclical nature of the efforts to deal. I will go headstrong for a bit and then dodge it. I also Identify with feeling as if no one has the "skill set" to understand my point of view with it. Incest complicated all my relationships and none of them work like they are supposed to. I have always felt like I wanted others to like me. I guess to sleep I have used bendryl and a safe bed to medicate. That is how I do it...Good Luck

Geoff