I have thought about this for a while but never posted it......I don't think.

There are effects of my H's CSA that I actually appreciated before I knew where it came from. That is not to say that I don't still appreciate these 'effects' if we want to call them that ....and perhaps they are not totally from the CSA - he feels they are related though so I go with that.

For example:

He has pretty much a zero interest in porn. On a scale of 0-10 he is like 0.5. I always liked that about him.

If a female comes on to him - he will bolt. There is no turn on for him. He can't be pressured. He feels very insecure about his reaction to these situations. Personally, it's not an 'issue' I take any great strides to change. Recently though he had a customer who was just WAY to aggressive with him and I found it very annoying that she would pursue him knowing he was uncomfortable. I've seen his reaction to this stuff....it's obvious he is uncomfortable. I have had some choice words for her rolling around in my head but I've never gotten a chance to say them.

I watched him very closely with my nieces and nephews when we were dating and he was always very sweet and gentle with the kids. I knew he'd be a good dad and he is. That probably has very little to do with his CSA - but I like to say it.

He never goes to 'gentleman's clubs' - that is a stupid name for them but I'm going to go with it. I can count on 1 hand the number of times he has gone in the last (almost) 20 years that we have been together.

Now....the list of examples of things that I didn't/don't appreciate is somewhat longer but I find it an odd thing that some of the stuff I really like about him is perhaps a strong result of something I really wish had never happened to him.

It's such a crazy world sometimes.

I agree that it is hard to know if some of these traits are after effects, or if this is just they way he is regardless.
However, I strongly believe that ever cloud has a silver lining. I think it's great that you are looking for positives, even during the storm. I'm glad that your husband has you.

I was just thinking about this topic myself this past week.

My H doesn't like strip clubs. Never has.

He genuinely likes and enjoys the company of women. I had never before, nor since, met another man who has. Of course, that also plays into the list of things I don't like....

Thank you for such a positive post. I like to tell myself that some of who I've become from being a survivor isn't all bad. For example, I can see that my compassion for others and my sense of justice is connected to my experience as a survivor since I know what its like not be be treated fairly and compassionately in ways that non-survivors wouldn't know. The term post-traumatic growth comes to mind when I consider the unlikely positive outcomes of being a survivor of sexual abuse, meaning that unique insights can come from surviving a traumatic experience. On that note while sexual abuse impacted my life significantly I refuse to deny it or feel disempowered by it. On the contrary, I am at a point in my life where there is much to be learned about myself from embracing my history.

One of the things that has always confused me is so many girl's reactions to my genophobia. I'll flinch at an explicit comment, I'll reffuse to say the s word, and a common reaction is "how sweet!" people assume it's some sort of prudery or old fashioned values, indeed I have often thought I'd have been better off a hundred years ago when such things were more normal.

most of my friends are also female, indeed, but friends is all they are, in fact I had one friend of mine speculate that the chief reason the relationship thing has gone no where is my reactions to anything beyond friendship are just so alien and abnormal, for all that people mistake them.

Needless to sayk, I have never done, nor would have a desire to do porn, or attend anywhere specifically devoted to this either.

For me though, despite how sweet most girls tend to think it is, genophobia is just another bad consequence, the nightmares, the shocks whenever someone says something explicit and I'm not prepared or diverting it etc.

I'm not saying this is the way it is for your husband sugarbaby, or that you shouldn't feel as you do, just that I've noticed myself that society's perceptions around this are just plane wrong.

"I can see that my compassion for others and my sense of justice is connected to my experience as a survivor...."

My H was a champion for those bullied in school. He wouldn't stand by and watch. I always thought that was cool.

"...the nightmares, the shocks whenever someone says something explicit and I'm not prepared or diverting it.."

My H was the same way. He is better with that now but it is still upsetting to him.

"..old fashioned values.."

That is EXACTLY what I thought it was.

Sugar baby- I agree with you on those, my husband too has ZERO interest in porn and that makes me happy, also the bad and ugly side with that is that he wants very little to do with anything sexual... it's hard to appreciate those money's now, knowing where they came from...
Mine also, will make a great father because I see him with his nieces and nephews!

I wish you well in the "support role" of your husbands journey. I wish you well!

He has also been a champion for those being bullied. He hates that. He takes it a bit to personally, I think, but from the stories I hear from high school - his tolerance for a bully was pretty low and he'd take them on to save some poor kid getting pushed around.

I know of one man who is boarderline mentally retarded who still thinks the world of H for his protective actions.