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#406708 - 08/13/12 06:54 PM Two- survivor relationship
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
So i assume that I'm not the only person who is in this situation, or at least a similar one.
I went through 7 years of therapy for my CSA before I met my husband. I really feel like even though there may come times in the future for more healing for the most part I have found the light at the end of the tunnel.
For those of you that have read my other posts you know that my husband has recently come out of the denial phase and knows he needs help. But is still feeling afraid of what might happen if he opens his 'pandora's box' so to speak.
It's hard to not be offended that he doesn't want to let me see him have any feelings. When I look at his behavior I see myself before I healed. I would think that because he knows my story, and how much I struggled he would feel more at ease about talking to me.I guess I'm trying to understand, so that I won't feel as frustrated.
Any of y'all in dual survivor relationships? Do you think that this made things better or worse and why? Did you other half choose to come to you, or try even harder to keep you from seeing in because of it? etc.
Everything comes from within

#406710 - 08/13/12 07:21 PM Re: Two- survivor relationship [Re: HD001]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 380

I'm not in a relationship like that but I know a couple who is. They never talk to each other about it. She is more open than he is but she is pretty tight lipped.

I've asked a million questions of my H about his abuse. I'm annoying probably - sometimes smile I ask a million questions of other people, which is how I know about them.

I am surprised they don't mutually confide... but they don't.

#406712 - 08/13/12 07:38 PM Re: Two- survivor relationship [Re: HD001]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I survived my father's physical abuse growing up, but my husband doesn't appreciate my experiences and does everything in his power to hide his pain from me. He thinks he is protecting me, but in fact, it makes things that much worse between us.

Edited by Valkyrie (08/13/12 09:47 PM)

#406730 - 08/13/12 09:29 PM Re: Two- survivor relationship [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Thank you for your responses, I hope to hear more. Very interesting. Sometimes I wonder if my husband doesn't believe how much I struggled because he never knew me back when I was that person, or maybe he worries that talking to me about it will bring up my old pain and hurt me. If i was in his shoes, I would probably feel embarressed that my partner had healed and I hadn't. But that is me and I can only speculate. When we started dating I figured since we were both people with a past who had seen horrible things we would be able to relate on a deeper level, but now I feel like my past maybe is part of the reason he shuts me out.
Everything comes from within

#406768 - 08/14/12 04:08 AM Re: Two- survivor relationship [Re: HD001]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Yep, My loved one was raped recently, January, and besides her rape she was raped at the age of 12. So is she a survivor, most definitely.
The problem for us in our relationship is that I thought I knew how to help and deal with her problems, big mistake. When I tried to advise her and tell her about the healing process, all she wanted was my love and attention.
When she tried to advise me, all I wanted was her love and attention.
I think that at the end of the day we both ended up despising each others past abuse.
We are still in a rough spot, but I feel that this is her time to heal, and I need to helpful loving and supportive.

Don't know if this will help you?

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#406775 - 08/14/12 06:46 AM Re: Two- survivor relationship [Re: HD001]
Lavinia Offline

Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
For the number of two-survivor relationships out there, there are precious few resources available to us. I started a blog to try to make sense of my relationship and give my readers an idea of what it's like to be in our shoes, but no one is reading it so it's more of a diary at this point. Here's the link, though, if you care to visit:


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

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