Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
carter (51), CAW1980 (34), Fissy Tsickens (53), Kris (52), Wheatthins (23)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 21 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63171 Topics
441739 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#406672 - 08/13/12 12:19 PM I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts.
bnyc Offline


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 13
Loc: New York, NY
Hey All,
I hate to be negative, but I just have to say it.

I am so F*ing sick of suicidal thoughts.

I have never attempted suicide and I am not going to harm myself now.

However, since I was a child I have had this voice in my head that says, "you really should just kill yourself" or "haven't you had enough yet? Just do it". These are typically my first thoughts in the morning. I also have them when I make a mistake, things don't go my way, and with extreme intensity when romantic relationships do not work out.

I now know that these thoughts are a direct result of the incest that occurred when I was a child. What I actually want is to have sympathy for, love and take care of the child this happened to, not kill the adult that child has grown into.

It is not a logical thought process and I hate it!

I am hoping that with a better understanding of what happened to me, the information I have about CSA recovery, and the treatment I had for PTSD these ideations will pass. I did get a 10 day break from these thoughts during my PTSD treatment which gave me hope, but I was crushed when the depression and thoughts returned.

Again I am not going to harm myself, I have survived this long with these thoughts without any suicide attempts. However, I am glad there is a place I can vent my frustrations and talk about the fact that the thoughts are there.

If anyone thinks they may actually harm themselves please call a suicide hotline like this one: 1-800-784-2433 immediately.

Top
#406682 - 08/13/12 01:16 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Hey BNYC,

I attempted suicide 2 years ago. Glad I survived, but its taken me till now to finally deal with my abuse and all the wreckage that followed. I know the voices you describe and here's how I deal with them. Now I picture the ghost of my abuser following me and I get my hands around his throat and choke him to death. Better him than me.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

Top
#406685 - 08/13/12 01:47 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: Jude]
bnyc Offline


Registered: 06/15/12
Posts: 13
Loc: New York, NY
I just tried it and it is surprisingly effective. Thank you!

Top
#406691 - 08/13/12 03:40 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
bnyc,

I don't blame you for wanting to be rid of suicidal thoughts. When I had them with frequency I used to view them as a very dangerous symptom of depression. And they are just that. But they also are "just a symptom of depression", and because I could do something about becoming less depressed that meant that I could do something about the symptom of suicide ideation. This is what gave me hope. Depression has to be fought against in everyway imaginal. Anyway you can build hope and a positive mood is the way out of depression, and therefore, the way to get rid of suicidal thoughts. I know yours have been with you for quite awhile, so it must seem like they are just a natural part of life in some sense. But they aren't natural. You have to view them as something to be rid of, and it seems to me that you are at that point now. I don't think there's anything negative about wanting to be rid of suicidal thoughts. I think that being sick of them is the first step to getting rid of them.
Try to find something you enjoy, that makes you feel good, or something that gives you a sense of accomplishment (exercise, reading, doing chores, etc.), and, even though you may not feel like doing it, give it a try. And then see how this affects the thoughts of suicide. If they stop for awhile then you've discovered a way to lessen them.

But don't forget, suicidal thoughts have a function for a depressed person. They temporarily alleviate intense emotional pain because they are an escape from dealing with life and the pain, a way out of both. This is probably why this symptom comes along with the other emotionally painful symptoms of depression. It's terrifying that out minds would do this to us, but it happens because there is something rewarding about thinking these thoughts.

I hope this helps in some way,

Casmir
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

Top
#406693 - 08/13/12 05:01 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1551
I never truly had thoughts of suicide, but throughout life would pray to die in my sleep. I could never to it to myself--but if I was taken in my sleep or at the hands of someone else or an accident it would have been ok--the pain and hurt would have been gone. As I heal, the thoughts are subsiding and I value my life more today than ever.

Bnyc, you need to address these thoughts and learn you are valuable. I am glad you do not believe you will harm yourself. But please seek help and address these thoughts--and once you accept the abuse and who you are--the thoughts should subside. Because we all have down days--I had little sleep for days, thoughts of the abuse keep running through my head, I fight it with affirmations, but the thoughts keep me awake. So i know there are bad periods but I am learning I am good and so are you

Take care of yourself.


Edited by KMCINVA (08/13/12 05:16 PM)

Top
#406695 - 08/13/12 05:16 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Originally Posted By: bnyc
Hey All,
I hate to be negative, but I just have to say it.

I am so F*ing sick of suicidal thoughts.

It is not a logical thought process and I hate it

Let me hit you with some logic: The brain likes patterns, be they good or bad. We form patterns of speech, patterns of behavior, patterns of thought. Even patterns of suicidal thought.

Recognize it for what it is: an entrenched pattern. You're ready to move on but you haven't re-organized your thoughts enough yet to defeat the pattern. It will come one day but be aware, we cannot control our thoughts. Only our actions and emotional responses. So you can change for the better but that does not mean your brain will cease to surprise you with self-destructive thoughts. Healing doeas not mean those go away forever. Healing means we learn to deal with them in positive and healthy ways.

One more thought about thoughts. When I was afraid of certain thoughts (in my case I welcomed thoughts of death but I was pre-occupied by thoughts that I would abuse others) these fears themselves became like a boogey men for me. I would freak out if I had a thought about a small child I saw, accuse myself of secretly wanting to abuse. I got so worked up about the fact that I was having those thoughts that it seemed to reinforce them and add to their frequency. So I changed up my approach with therapy. I realized "automatic thoughts" will happen. It is what it is. Don't react just ignore it and move on. Know what? I stopped having those thought once I stopped freaking out about them. Weird hunh?
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

Top
#406696 - 08/13/12 05:18 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
I don't want seem like a tool here, but something I heard Dr.Phil say the other day really put the futile nature of suicide into perspective for me. He said something to the effect of when you commit suicide all the pain and sense of failure that you feel within yourself gets transferred over to your loved ones. In an essence, suicide will only cause more hurt.

Top
#406771 - 08/14/12 04:56 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: scottyg]
UKHEALING Offline


Registered: 08/05/12
Posts: 14
You have just described exactly what I am goin through right now can this get better because I was thinking that the only way to deal with this was suicide. It has got worse since I started to focus on this element of my life and the cast my back to the abuse I suffered. Did you find this scotty?

Top
#406772 - 08/14/12 05:23 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
UK -

it always gets worse before it gets better. But it DOES get better, if you keep working at it. that happened to me, too - and i thought i would have been better off to have "let sleeping dogs lie." it's like opening Pandora's box and all the nasty creepy-crawlies come rushing out. suddenly you have to face them - all the bad memories start to surface as well as emotions that you haven't felt in years. and you have to deal with them and it is scary and exhausting and painful. but eventually they start to lose their power and you get stronger.

ask questions, get help, find support. we can all help each other.

hang in there - and you'll make it.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#406774 - 08/14/12 06:20 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: traveler]
UKHEALING Offline


Registered: 08/05/12
Posts: 14
Thank you Lee for your kind words.


Edited by UKHEALING (08/14/12 06:20 AM)

Top
#406790 - 08/14/12 10:05 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
The book I recommended the other day, Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain has been somewhat helpful for me in finding ways to restructure my patterns. Essentially it's about what we see and how to see things differently by setting particular types of goals, setting up particular patterns of positive reinforcement, etc.

For example, thinking about suicide is essentially a visualization exercise in which you visualize a way out of the problem (via self killing). Noticing that pattern, you can then start to visualize others that you can go to so that options for the visualization process become available.

It's interesting, and the exercises are fun to do.

Danny

Top
#406791 - 08/14/12 10:13 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Danny, I like the Statement that you made. "To think about suicide is essentially visualizing it."

It shows the importance of filling our minds with happy thoughts and happy places and great things to do.

Awesome post man

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#406795 - 08/14/12 10:43 AM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: bnyc]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Thanks Martin. I was just thinking about this again. So much of what we do in healing is revisiting the old wounds. We've got to find a new way to heal that doesn't mean revisiting the past.

This thread relates to the forgiveness threads to me in a way. We have these coping mechanisms that circle each other. We dwell on the past and this makes us miserable while apparently being part of the healing process. SO we conjure up all this misery and terrible brain chemistry and set up massive triggers that create instant washes of horrible brain chemistry, then we think about killing ourselves because we're so depressed.

Then we do this so often that we have to say (like bnyc), "However, since I was a child I have had this voice in my head that says, "you really should just kill yourself" or "haven't you had enough yet?"

We actually get to the point where we just see the terrible pattern and get so tired (like I was this morning), that we say it again: "can't I just die so that it's all over?" For me sometimes, this feels more exhaustion from having done a thousand laps rather than depression.

I think sometimes we just get tired of doing the same reps over and over again. So I totally agree that we have to train ourselves to "fill our minds with happy thoughts and happy places and great things to do."

That way we start growing new patterns. It's hard work, but I think it's worth it.

Danny

ps: I realized after I posted this that I hadn't said why it reminded me of the forgiveness threads. We have to stop telling our abuse story compulsively after it's been expressed to someone else for healing. The more often we tell the story and hate the abuser, the deeper the pattern of telling and retelling gets. The deeper that pattern gets, the harder it is to step away from it and begin to heal. Healing has to mean putting the abuse away into the past where it belongs and finding the self one ought to be without it. Note: I'm not saying we should deny it: we just have to let it go.


Edited by DannyT (08/14/12 10:46 AM)

Top
#406802 - 08/14/12 01:47 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: UKHEALING]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Yeah... my suicide ideation -that's what the clinical term is for it- was not a direct result of me focusing on my abuse. Quite the opposite, I burried my abuse and the shame I felt. I went on drug and alcohol benders. I was horribly alone. I could not hold a job. I was transient moving town to town, state to state. I became homeless. I didn't care about myself at all anymore. That is when I started really trying to kill myself. But I am a huge fuck-up. As a lifelong failure I even ruined my own suicide. A little joke.

Luckily for the men here today we have this forum, a place where we all share our experiences. Although the details are unique, our big issues are always the same. I look at those raw abuse issues like this:

There is an elephant in the room of the mind called abuse. As it's an elephant in the room, we've spent a lot of time and energy arranging our mental furniture to disguise the elephant. My elephant lived in the room of my mind for 32 years. One day, it's just too much... too crowded if you will. We scream, "For fuck's sake there's a damn elephant in here!"

Now that it's finally revealed our first mental reaction is to explore this "new" mystery animal. Look at it from every angle. Measure the pile of dung it's left. Some of us even ask ourselves if it really IS an elephant or just a big, grey chest of drawers. Those guys need serious help, thank your stars you're not them. So you're at that exploratory stage UK. It's all very new and intense and rather shocking. Mood swings, debilitating depression, a lack of connection to the outside world, a sudden paranoia about one's own thoughts and motives. The elephant in the room becomes a three ring circus.

That is why we always stress THERAPY, tTHERAPY, THERAPY. That will help sort all this out. If you're horribly depressed get some meds from your doctor. Suicide is a crying shame. There is no shame in wanting to end your suffering through prescription medication. And as we always say here, be good to yourself. Have the faith that you're going to make it through. You've come this far. There's no reason not to belive that in some months time it will be YOU, UKHEALING, writing your own lame extended metaphor in this forum for a new survivor who's wondering how it will ever get any better. It does and the pay-off is superb!
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

Top
#406809 - 08/14/12 04:00 PM Re: I am OK, but I am sick of suicidal thoughts. [Re: scottyg]
UKHEALING Offline


Registered: 08/05/12
Posts: 14
Thanks Scotty, I know what I need to do I am already feeling better from reading peoples post and kind words, I have already started using some techniques with my anxiety and its working i know its only been a day like.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.